You're The Only One
by Hotaru Nakama
Summary: Distraught and confused over his loss of powers, Ichigo is struggling with life now that he is no longer a substitute soul reaper. He turns to the only person he knows can help him figure things out. Kis/Ichi. Angst. Rated M for later chapters.
1. I Run To You

**A/N: **Hello, everybody! Right now I am a little unsure of the direction I want 'Healing' to take, although I do fully intend on continuing and finishing it, but until I have a clearer picture of where it's going, I'm going to keep posting other things. This is just a random idea I had one night that I started writing, I love the Kisuke/Ichigo pairing and I wanted to explore it a bit. This story will be more about the relationship between them, however I will most definitely go into why Ichigo lost his powers, though it might be slightly less than canon because I don't very closely follow what's happening in the manga. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy!

Credit goes to Whitney Houston for her song "I Run To You". I changed part of the lyric to make it make more sense for Ichigo, but the song and rights belong to her.

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><p><strong>I know that when you look at me<strong>

**There's so much that you just don't see**

**But if you would only take the time**

**I know in my heart you'd find**

**[Someone] who's scared sometimes**

**Who isn't always strong**

Ichigo adjusted the strap of his backpack over his shoulder, then stuffed his hands in his pockets as he made his way out of the schoolyard and onto the sidewalk. Fallen cranberry and gold-colored autumn leaves crunched beneath his tennis shoe clad feet and he tucked his nose into the blue and white scarf wound around his neck to ward off the chill of the wind on his face, although the late October sun was still considerably warm on his back. It was like the weather couldn't decide if it was ready to make the transition into fall or not, but it was coming anyway, forcing its way in like a horde of Hollows forcing their way into the world by ripping a hole in the sky.

_Dammit._

He sighed quietly to himself, seeing Orihime, Chad and Uryu already standing outside the school in a cluster, watching him approach. No matter where he went, everything reminded him of his time as a substitute shinigami. Everywhere he looked were reminders of Soul Society, Rukia, Byakuya, Renji and all the others. The memories clung in his mind like cobwebs that refused to be swept away no matter how many times you try to sweep them down. And boy, did he try, every single minute of the day.

"Oi, Ichigo, all of us are going down to the noodle shop with Tatsuki and Keigo, want to join us?" Uryuu asked, stepping into the ginger-haired teen's path, the sunlight creating a hard glare on his thin-rimmed glasses that he had to push back up onto the bridge of his nose.

"No, thanks, gotta go home," Ichigo mumbled, not meeting any of their eyes as he passed by, instead staring down at the leaf littered sidewalk. He didn't want to be rude, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to be around his friends as they had all started the journey that would ultimately lead them into the war of the three worlds, fighting side by side to save their friends with whom they no longer had any contact, preserving a city in a dimension they could no longer reach. No, he couldn't be with them now, especially not Uryuu, not when the memory of impaling his friend with Zangetsu was still so strong. The biggest, most stubborn cobweb of them all. He just wanted to be left alone.

"Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime called after him in her concerned feminine voice, no doubt watching him retreat with those wide, tear-filled coffee eyes.

Ichigo clenched his jaw, closing his spiced-chocolate eyes as he willed himself not to turn around and scream at her to just _shut up_, _one more 'Kurosaki-kun' from you and my head is going to __**explode**__,_ then immediately hated himself for thinking such things. The burnt sierra haired girl was a good, loyal friend, a kind and loving spirit, and further more she was head over heels in love with him. She would undoubtedly do just about anything for him, and here he was mentally ripping her to shreds over it. His shoulders slumped even more. _You're a real piece of work, Ichigo_, he silently berated himself, though he couldn't make himself turn around to apologize to her, either. Instead he picked up his pace to just short of a jog, his breath billowing out in front of him in white puffs and his heart pounding in his ears. Vaguely he became aware that he was going in the opposite direction of his house, but he also was unable to make himself turn around. It was suddenly as if he had no control over his mind or body, his feet moving of their own accord, the light wind seeming to push him along like some large, invisible hand.

He was almost sure he was having another panic attack; they'd been happening more and more frequently lately, so he felt pretty confident in being able to recognize the signs of one coming on. They happened mostly at night after the horrible nightmares that woke him from his sleep, but sometimes they came randomly during the day. All of a sudden a memory would hit him or something would set him off and all at once he couldn't seem to make his lungs drag in air, his skin would break into a cold sweat and he'd start shaking uncontrollably. He didn't even realize that he'd broken into a run, his legs pumping eagerly to carry him away from the others, his breath billowing out from his mouth in gusts of glimmering white in the cold air, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. Where was he going? He didn't know and frankly, didn't really give a shit right now. As long as it was somewhere far, far away.

It didn't occur to him that he was heading in the opposite direction from his house until he finally slowed to a brisk walk, panting and still trembling though a bit more calm now. He glanced around to get his bearings on where exactly he was when his eyes fell on a familiar building just a few feet up ahead on his left.

_The shoten._

Ichigo hesitated, glancing behind his shoulder in the direction that would take him back home and considered turning around. He hadn't been in the shoten since before the Winter War, avoided it like the plague, actually, and had no contact at all with Urahara, Tessai or Yorouichi in almost six months. _It would be rude just to storm in there uninvited, wouldn't it? Or maybe, would they be happy to see me? I have missed them... But still, I spent so much time there with Rukia, Renji and the others... The memories might be... too much for me right now. No, I should turn around and go home now, Yuzu probably already has dinner cooking and dad will get worried if I don't come home._

But even as he resolved in his mind to go back, his feet seemed to pay him no mind and carried him further down the road, up the pathway and onto the wrap-around porch of the shoten. Ichigo bit into his lip, his muscles feeling like jelly as he contemplated the front shoji, then slowly pushed it open and stepped into the entryway. Suddenly, it all made sense why he'd come here. There was only one person who could help him figure things out now.

He needed to talk to Kisuke Urahara.

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><p>Well, there is the introduction. I know it's a bit shorter than my first chapters on the other fics, but the subsequent chapters will be longer. Please leave a review to tell me what you think!<p>

**Love,**

**Hotaru Nakama**


	2. Fix You

**A/N: **This story is turning out far more angsty and dark than I had originally intended, therefore if anyone has a problem/trigger with self-injury I'd suggest you stop reading as there is mention of it in this chapter. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy!

**Song for this chapter:** Coldplay - "Fix You"

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><p><strong>Lights will guide you home<strong>

**And ignite your bones**

**And I will try to fix you**

The bell above the door jingled softly as the ginger-haired teen crept inside, glancing around the familiar front room of the place where he'd spent so much time before but hadn't seen in months. Everywhere he looked the phantom images of himself, Kisuke and the others appeared; sitting in the dining room drinking tea as they discussed Bountos and rebel zanpakuto, and how to infiltrate Hueco Mundo in order to rescue Orihime. Endless hours in the underground training room with Kisuke, bleeding, sweating and growing stronger with every blow and counter-attack given and received. Standing in this very spot in the entryway, laughing his ass off as he watched Renji running around like a chicken with its head cut off to do all the chores the shopkeeper delegated to him, all while that red-haired brat Jinta taunted him and called him a free-loader. A lifetime of memories existed in every corner of this place. Being here again felt like getting a bucket of ice water thrown in his face, leaving him shivering from top to bottom.

He was so lost in his reverie that he didn't even see the shopkeeper walk in, fan in hand but lowered at his side, his worried eyes shadowed by his dark green and white striped bucket hat. "Kurosaki-kun?" He asked uncertainly, looking the boy – _No, he's not a boy anymore, _Kisuke thought, _He's a young man _– up and down several times.

Ichigo jolted like he'd just stepped on a live electrical wire, meeting the other man's gray eyes with almost panicked red-brown orbs. "Oh, I, um, uh, hah..." He stammered, his hand almost subconsciously reaching back for the door. "H – Hi, U – Urahara-san." _What the hell am I doing here? I'm such an idiot, this was a terrible idea. _"Um, g – gomen, I shouldn't h – have come in here, this was s – stupid, I'll just l – leave now..." He turned on his heels, ready to bolt.

Kisuke stepped forward, holding out a hand as if to stop the teen, but didn't touch him. "Wait, you just got here, you don't have to go running off so fast," the shopkeeper tried to sound casual, but couldn't help the edge of concern that colored his voice. _Ichigo, what is wrong? You look terrible. _His smoky eyes trailed down the expanse of the former substitute shinigami's form, moving from his face over his body; those brandy-colored eyes that used to hold such fire and determination were now dull and melancholy, encircled by dark, purplish-black bags that told of many restless nights. His soft peach skin was sallow and looked tightly stretched over cheekbones that weren't so prominent before, his face much thinner now. He'd let his hair grow back out to the longish, shaggy style it was in right before he'd lost his powers, but the orange locks had lost their luster and hung limp and oily around his shoulders. And Kisuke was sure nothing had changed about the Karakura High School uniform, but it looked different in a way the shopkeeper couldn't quite place. Then it dawned on him.

_That outfit used to fit him like a glove, hugging him in all the right places to show off his muscular, toned body. Now he's gotten so thin it just hangs on him, _Kisuke mused sadly. He needed to keep Ichigo there long enough to figure out what was going on with him. "Are you okay, Ichigo?"

Ichigo looked back at him with deer-in-the-headlights wide eyes, but then recovered and put on his best 'everything is fine' smile. The one Urahara learned a long time ago was completely fake. "Of course, I've never been better! What would make you think otherwise?" He gave a throaty, disingenuous laugh. "I just... Um, well, I've been looking for a job because I need to start raising money for my own car. Tou-san is letting me use his right now, but I'll need one for when I go off to college next year. So, I was wondering if you have some work around here that needs to be done?"

_Well, at least that's a lie I can work with. _"Actually, I'm glad you asked because we have been looking for some more help around here. Since Renji-kun hasn't been around the shop has gotten quite messy with no one to sweep the floors and help me clean up. And I think I can afford to pay you enough if you're up for the job. Can you start today?"

For the first time since he'd walked in the teenager's cocoa eyes lit up, and Kisuke released an inner sigh of relief at the sight. "Yeah, sure," Ichigo agreed, slipping off his shoes and dropping his backpack next to them on the floor.

"Great. Well, you can start by moving some boxes up here to the front room, they're in the back," Urahara instructed, knowing full well Tessai had already moved them to the right spot earlier in the day. "I'll show you which ones," he said, turning toward the hallway as the ginger-haired teen followed him.

"Okay, no problem. So, you haven't seen Renji at all lately? What about Rukia or Byakuya? Anybody?" Ichigo asked, hoping that he didn't seem overly eager for the information.

"Iie, Kurosaki-kun, I'm afraid I haven't. With Aizen captured and the war over, I suppose the old man doesn't see much of a need to send any shinigami to Karakura Town these days," Kisuke replied, hating to see the crestfallen look on Ichigo's face when he glanced over his shoulder.

"Oh... Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense," Ichigo answered quietly, chewing his lip as he adverted his eyes from Kisuke's gaze. _Of course it does, you're such a baka, Ichigo, why would you think they would come around? To check up on me? Yeah, right, _he reprimanded himself once again.

"I'm sure they miss you as much as you miss them."

Ichigo gave the shopkeeper his infamous scowl. "Who said I miss them at all? I'm _happy _they're gone."

Kisuke had to stop himself from chuckling out loud. _Right, I'll believe that when a pig flies through my shop. _"Of course you are, Ichigo-san. Gomen."

The two didn't speak for a long while after that except for Kisuke telling Ichigo what needed to be done and Ichigo asking him a question or two as he worked. When he was finished with the floors that Ururu had already mopped and dusted off the already clean surfaces, Ichigo turned around to face Urahara.

"Well, I guess if everything is done for today I'll get on my way home. Need me back tomorrow?" The ginger-haired youth asked, starting over to the door to gather his things.

"Actually," Kisuke spoke up, unsure why he was so desperate to keep Ichigo with him. It's not like he'd gotten anywhere with him in the last couple hours. "I was hoping you'd stay for a bit and have some tea with me. Tessai and Yorouichi won't be back for a while; they took Jinta and Ururu out to the noodle shop for dinner. Stay and keep an old, perverted shopkeeper company?"

_You came to talk to him, so do it, _Ichigo turned back and smiled a little. "Hai, I can stay for a little bit. Just let me call Yuzu, she gets upset if I don't call her and let her know I'll miss dinner." He fished his cell phone out of his backpack and made the call to his sister, then followed Urahara into the shop's little kitchenette.

The pair once again fell into a comfortable silence as Kisuke put the kettle on the stove while Ichigo set out to make them a little snack to go along with their tea. Once everything was prepared they sat down at opposite ends of the small table in the dining area, sipping their tea silently for a few moments. Kisuke watched Ichigo closely under the brim of his hat, taking in the sight of him and trying to recognize him as the same boy he once knew. When Ichigo lifted his hand to take a bite of food, the sleeve of his shirt fell back slightly and Kisuke caught site of a small, red mark on his arm.

"What happened to your arm, Kurosaki-kun?" Kisuke asked, trying to sound casual and not show the intense stab of fear that went through him.

Ichigo startled, his hand darting up to push his sleeve back down. He suddenly had that panicked expression back on his face that Kisuke had seen earlier. "I – It's nothing, really. I just knicked myself w – while shaving the other day..."

"On the wrist?" Kisuke pressed, one pale eyebrow quirking.

Ichigo gave him a murderous glare. "_I said it's nothing_," he spat out more vehemently than he intended to.

Kisuke sighed, removing his hat so he could look into the boy's eyes, his ash blonde hair falling into his slate gray eyes. "Come on, Ichigo, we both know that's not true. What's going on? Why won't you tell me? You've always talked to me about things before."

"There's... Nothing to talk about..." Ichigo mumbled quietly, hating the way his voice cracked as he spoke, running his hands over the ornate designs on his cup.

Kisuke said nothing in response, just gazing at his former student with sad eyes. Then suddenly, Ichigo folded over, burying his face in his arms on the table. A choked sob escaped from his chest a moment later, then his lean shoulders were trembling and his entire body was shaking with silent cries. Kisuke watched helplessly for a moment, then finally threw caution to the wind and risked getting the crap beat out of him, getting up and going over to the ex-substitute shinigami. He reached out and tentatively touched Ichigo's back.

"Ichigo, it's okay..." He began.

"No, it isn't!" Ichigo suddenly wailed. "I – It's not o – okay, n – nothing is fucking okay a – anymore! It's not, s – so stop telling m – me that!"

The older man's eyes widened, and before he could think better of it he was pulling the younger male into his arms, rubbing his back gently.

"W – Why, Urahara-san? W – Why did this happen to m – me? I d – don't know what to d – do, I don't k – know who I am without being a sh – shinigami. It was m – my life for so l – long... And they w – were my f – friends... Why did I suddenly l – lose everything?" Ichigo whispered brokenly, sobbing heavily against the shopkeeper's chest.

"I don't know, Ichigo-kun, I really don't know," Kisuke admitted, raking his fingers through Ichigo's bright orange locks. "But, I promise I'm going to help you figure it out."

He sat there with the younger man as everything he'd been holding inside for so long came out in a rush of tears and hiccuping sobs, whispering reassuringly to him and stroking his hair. And by the time the teen finally calmed down and went home, the shopkeeper had resolved to do everything in his power to make things right for Ichigo again.


	3. Cut My Life Into Pieces

**Warning:** EXPLICIT detail of self-injury/cutting in this chapter. If this is a trigger, go back now. Also, translations for the Japanese terms I use can be found in my profile. And yes, I have been using song titles for the chapters, as well as the title of the story. Check out 'You're The Only One' by Maria Mena, if you haven't. Credit is given where credit is due. Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews, please keep reading and telling me what you think! The song for this chapter is "Last Resort" by Papa Roach, credit is given to them and I do not claim rights to any of their material.

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><p><strong>It all started when I lost my mother<strong>

**No love for myself and no love for another**

**Searching to find love upon a higher level**

**Finding nothing but questions and devils**

Ichigo slowly trudged home and sneaked as quietly as he could into the dark Kurosaki home. It was nearly midnight when he arrived back at his house, and he didn't want to wake up his tou-san or little sisters. He was emotionally and mentally exhausted from his visit with Kisuke, and he wasn't in any mood for his father's questions or lectures.

He still couldn't believe how much he'd opened up and let the shopkeeper see the depth of agony he was in. Affection like Kisuke had shown him was a foreign thing to him, something he hadn't allowed anyone to do since his mother died. Sure, Renji was a touchy-feely guy, always patting his back or ruffling his hair, and every now and then he was known to let Yuzu kiss him on the cheek before he left for school or said goodnight to her, but that was all. His father's idea of physical contact was a roundhouse kick to the face or a hard punch in the stomach. Truth be told, Ichigo was more used to the violence and pain than loving touches, but the way Kisuke held onto him was unlike anything he'd felt in a long time. It still made him shiver to remember the feel of those rough but gentle fingers carding through his hair, resting against the strong chest of his former sensei and feeling the warmth radiating from his body.

Ichigo couldn't deny that it had felt really, really good, but the mere thought that he'd let his guard down so much and shown such vulnerability made him feel sickeningly weak. After putting his things away he padded upstairs on silent, quick feet and made his way into the bathroom, kneeling down at the toliet. Despite trying to use the deep breathing techniques his father taught him to control his nerves, the room spun and his stomach lurched painfully, forcing him to heave and lose the little bit of dinner Kisuke had gotten him to eat. Soon his stomach was completely empty and he sat dry heaving for several minutes until his insides finally quite churning, the episode leaving him quivering and feeling as if his skin was on fire. Shakily reaching out to flush and close the lid of the toilet, he slumped back against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest as he gasped raggedly to catch his breath.

_What the hell is wrong with me? I used to be stronger than this. Come on, Kurosaki, fucking pull yourself together_, he shut his eyes tightly, willing the vertigo to go away, then stood on unsteady feet and made his way to the medicine cabinet. As he brushed his teeth, his brandy eyes fell on a box of razors his father had left open sitting on the back of the sink. A swell of sudden, blind rage turned his vision blood red. Isshin _knew _his son was harming himself in some way, though he didn't know the full extent of Ichigo's growing dependance on cutting. Why the fuck would he leave razorblades out in plain sight?

Anger and lust for the sharp object warred in his mind, but his fingers seemed to not to pay any heed to his thoughts, reaching over and pulling out a small, glinting blade. He put his things back in the medicine cabinet, then shut off the light and headed for his bedroom. Slipping out of his school uniform, he slid into bed and pulled the blankets up to his chin. At first he curled onto his side and just simply tried to fall asleep, comforted by the weight of the razor blade clutched in his palm, but the next thing he knew his eyes were open, staring at his empty closet. The same closet Rukia made into her bedroom while she stayed with him. The part of the Kurosaki house that now drove him to the absolute brink of insanity more than any other. He swallowed thickly, feeling his heart speed up again. Once more he tried to flop onto his other side, now facing the window, commanding himself to go to sleep. But again within seconds he found himself staring back at that damned empty closet, the anxiety rising up from his chest like bile.

With a soft growl of frustration, Ichigo pushed himself up and stalked over to the closet, slamming the door shut so hard that he was sure the bang would wake his family. He stood completely still, his panted breath the only sound in the room, and listened closely for any movement from the girls' room. All was silent. He made his way back over to the bed, but instead of climbing back in and curling up he sat on the edge of the bed, flipping the razor blade around and staring at it as if transfixed on something rare and beautiful. He stopped, holding it between his thumb and forefinger, licking his lips. His heart quickened with anticipation as he lowered it to his arm, pressing gently.

_One, two..._

The first cut was a shallow, little one on his forearm, right under where the bend of his elbow was located. The second was closer to his wrist just above the one Kisuke spotted earlier, and was longer and slightly deeper. A sigh of relief escaped Ichigo's softly parted lips as he watched the blood rise and trickle slowly down his arm, pooling in his palm. Using the fingers of his other hand, he smeared the red streaks over his skin, both cringing and secretly delighting in the sting of touching an open wound. It reminded him of battle, the bite of a katana cutting into his flesh, the hot, sticky wetness of blood trailing down his body. The only time he'd ever felt truly alive was fighting, battling hollow and shinigami alike, wielding power beyond his wildest imagination. Now, feeling so weak, and frail, and _mortal_, he ached for the sense of being powerful once again. Cutting was the only thing that gave him that sense, the only part of his life he felt he had control over. It was up to him and him alone how deep he cut, how many cuts he made and where to put them on his body.

He passed the blade to his other hand, bringing it down on the opposite arm, making a slice on his bicep and one on his shoulder. He made a third in the crook of his arm.

_Three, four, five..._

Ichigo heard himself make a quiet sound in the back of his throat. He felt the material of his boxers tighten around his groin area, and felt the wave of shame and self-digust that always followed his arousal that accompanied the pain. _Sick, I'm fucking __**sick**__. _Tears burned his eyes, but he knew he couldn't stop now. _Six, seven, eight, _a long, shallow slice on his stomach, a second on his left hip, another on his right thigh. Before he knew it his skin was littered with thirteen varying marks; one for every squad in the Seireitei. Finally he let the bloodied razor fall to the floor, trying to control his breathing and calm his quivering muscles. One hand snuck down inside his boxers, grasping the hard heat that had formed between his thighs.

Usually it was images of his battles, the memory of adrenaline and fear sloshing together inside him to create an intoxicating, addictive high that brought him to climax. He tried to focus on those memories tonight, but someone kept sneaking into his mind, breaking through the violent mirages. Smoky eyes piercing right through him, wisps of messy blond hair, a deep voice and gentle hands. No matter how many times he stopped to push the images away, every time he started again Kisuke's face would dance in front of his eyes, the feel of his fingers in his hair, rubbing his back making goosebumps raise on the back of his neck. He bit into his lip until he tasted blood to keep myself from crying out as he came. He flopped back onto the bed, still hearing that deep, rumbling voice and feeling those rough fingers all around him.

When he finally calmed again, he went back to the bathroom to clean off the soiled razor and put it back in the box, then cleaned himself up with tissues which he flushed down the toilet. After returning to his room he decided he wouldn't get any sleep there, so he collected his blankets and pillows and went downstairs to the futon in the living room. A glass of water and some crackers to calm his stomach later and he was curled on his side, looking up at the poster of his mother that hung on the wall. It was far better than the damn closet.

"Oyasumi Nasai, okaa-san," he whispered up to Masaki's beautiful, comforting face.

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><p>The next morning, Ichigo woke to the sun brightly shining through the blinds in his face and the sounds of people in the kitchen. He took his blankets and pillow upstairs and threw on some clothes, heading back downstairs. As usual, Yuzu was standing in front of the stove cooking breakfast while Karin sat at the table, drinking a glass of juice. Upon hearing footsteps enter the kitchen Yuzu turned around, giving her brother a wide smile. Her wide, honest eyes made Ichigo's heart ache and his stomach churn fitfully, and he found himself avoiding her gaze.<p>

"Ohayo, Ichi-nii," she said sweetly, not seeming the least bit bothered by the avoidance from him.

"Ohayo," he mumbled back, managing to give her a little smile as she passed him a cup of hot tea. Her eyes light up at the recognition and she leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek, making him want to cry all over again. _You're just so good, Yuzu. Almost too good. I'm sorry for being such a shitty brother... _He took his tea and sat down at the table across from Karin, finding it easier to meet her dark, petulant eyes. "Ohayo, Karin."

"Mm," she hummed disinterestedly in reply, almost making Ichigo laugh out loud. _And you, Karin, you're just a much less fucked up version of me. Yuzu is sweet and naïve, but you know how this life can chew you up and spit you out. Don't forget that and I'll have one less sister to worry about._

"Ichigo."

The orange-haired teen cringed inwardly at the harsh sound of his father's voice. He gulped down the rest of his tea and stood up to leave, in no mood for another run-in with Isshin. Grabbing his backpack which he'd brought over to the counter, he started past his dad until the older man pushed him back gently and stood in his way.

Ichigo sighed deeply, then put on his best scowl when he looked at the doctor. "What?"

Isshin reached into the pocket of his slacks, producing a handful of pills and a blood-soaked, wad of wet tissues. "I found these in the trashcan yesterday. Why haven't you been taking them? And what about these tissues that were clogging up the toilet?"

The teen made a quick glance in his sisters' direction. Karin stared out the window like she wasn't paying attention, but Ichigo could see her tapping her foot on the leg of the table nervously. Yuzu was openly watching her brother and dad, chewing her lip. "Do we have to talk about this now?" Ichigo hissed, glaring back at Isshin.

"You're damn right we do," Isshin barked. "I told you to start taking them, because it will help you. And we talked about this... problem..." He pointed to the tissues.

"And I told _you _already, I tried and they don't do shit," Ichigo snapped back, anger burning in his spiced-chocolate eyes. "Besides, any _problem _I have is none of your business."

"They _would _if you would take them like you're supposed to," the older man argued, stepping aggressively toward his son who met him toe-to-toe. "And it is my problem Ichigo, you're my son."

"Oh really, am I? I've hardly noticed with the way you act like I'm not even here half the time. And what exactly would the pills do for me, _tou-san_?" the teen added the last word mockingly. "Will the fucking pills give me the life I had back? Can they bring back my friends and make everything okay again? Is kaa-san going to come back from the dead if I take your fucking drugs? Huh?"

"Ichigo, that's enough..."

"No, tou-san, I don't think it's even _close_ to enough. All _you _want to do is shove pills down my throat to shut me up and turn me into a goddam zombie with _no _emotions. Well, that's not going to happen. I just lost _everything _that meant anything to me, and nothing is going to change what happened or fix things. So, all I'm trying to do is just survive. And if it bothers you how I'm coping with this, I'm really sorry, but you don't have the right to medicate me into a stupor just because you're a shitty father who can't handle his kids. Shove your damn, worthless pills up your ass!"

"All right, that is it, I've had it with you! This is going to stop!" Isshin grabbed for Ichigo's arm.

"Stop it, please," Yuzu's broken, sobbing voice reached Ichigo through the roaring of his blood racing in his ears. "Please, stop fighting... Please, Ichi-nii, stop..."

Ichigo stared at his sister helplessly, feeling tears rise in his eyes. Shoving past his father, he bolted out of the house and onto the sidewalk, running so hard and fast his legs felt like they were going to fall off with the strain.

He didn't stop until he reached the shoten.

**'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind**

**Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine**

**Losing my sight, losing my mind**

**Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine**

**Nothing's all right**

**Nothing is fine**


	4. Who Knows

**A/N: **Thank you so, so, so, SO much for all the love and support for this story, it means so much to me! This chapter's title is courtesy of the song "Who Knows" by Natasha Bedingfield. Listen to it, the lyrics fit so well for Kisuke and Ichigo at this point in the story. Love you all to the moon and back!

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><p><strong>I'm in like with you<strong>

**Not in love with you quite yet**

**My heart's beginning to**

**Slightly overrule my head**

**Who knows if I am ready or not?**

**Only time will tell**

**Who knows if we are ready to make this something?**

**Who knows?**

"We're not open for another two..." Kisuke's words died on his lips when he turned from the inventory list he was looking over and found Ichigo in the doorway. "Hey, what are you doing here this early? You're supposed to be at school."

Ichigo didn't answer, standing frozen in the doorway of the shop. He stared at the shopkeeper with stricken, hollow eyes, shaking from end to end.

Urahara frowned, setting the paper down and starting toward the ginger-haired teen. "What's wrong? Oi, talk to me..."

Ichigo shook his head as if to shake himself out of his trance, meeting Kisuke's gray eyes with his own weary cinnamon ones. "I... I guess I'm just tired. Didn't get much sleep last night. Could I... go lie down for a while?"

"Ichigo, onegai, tell me what happened," Kisuke pleaded, lightly touching Ichigo on the arm, making the boy flinch and back away slightly. They both looked over when Tessai peeked into the room.

"Oh, domo, Kurosaki-san," the large man said, wiping his hands on a dishtowel.

"Domo, Tessai-san," Ichigo replied quietly, then looked back at Kisuke. "Is there somewhere I could rest? Then we'll talk about it."

Kisuke gave him a suspicious look, but slowly nodded, pointing down the hallway at his room. "You can lie down in my bed for a while. I'll bring you tea and something to eat when you wake up. If you want, you can use my bathroom as well."

Ichigo nodded, bowing at the two men as he murmured a 'thank you' before heading down the hall to the room Kisuke had shown him. It was a small room, simply done in soft earthen tones, a tranquil and comforting space with a queen-sized bed, nightstand with a lamp on top, and a small TV against the wall opposite the bed. An odd feeling passed over him when he looked at the bed, imagining Kisuke lying there at nights, maybe with shorts and a beater on, maybe naked. He felt heat in his groin area and quickly pushed the thoughts away, then headed for the bathroom to clean up. Afterward he came back into the bedroom and crawled under the covers, letting his mind wander back to the argument with his father. They'd always had somewhat of a strained relationship, but ever since he lost his powers it had gotten so much worse, to the point where they could hardly be in the same room without screaming at each other. Isshin's angry, harsh tone rose up in his mind:

"_What the hell has gotten into you, Ichigo? You've turned into a mess!"_

"_Your behavior is setting a terrible example for your sisters; think of what you're doing to them!"_

"_If you're kaa-san knew you were acting like this, she'd be so ashamed of you."_

"_You aren't even my son anymore, my son wouldn't let himself become so weak!"_

Sniffling, Ichigo put the wet, cold washcloth he'd retrieved from the bathroom over his eyes, the way he used to do to block out the memory of the day his mother died. He brushed away the stray tears that had escaped down his cheeks, lying there and breathing slow and deep. A moment later he felt a soft weight added to his on the bed, then a soft, furry, warm body settled against his and began purring softly in his ear. He reached a hand up slowly, scratching the black cat behind her ears.

"Y – Yoruichi-san?"

"Hai," the shape-shifting woman replied in her deep, masculine feline voice. "Don't worry, it's just me."

Ichigo released a soft breath, removing the cloth from his eyes and looking into the black cat's bright golden eyes. He pulled her onto his chest as she nuzzled into his neck warmly, her contented purring growing louder when he started to scratch behind one furry ear. Yoruichi curled more deeply against him, her tail waving softly as they both began to fall asleep.

"If I wake up and you're lying on top of me in naked human form, I'm going to kill you," he grumbled, his lips quirking into a hint of a smirk.

The cat released a soft, deep chuckle. "I'll behave myself," she replied gamely. "I promise."

"Yeah," Ichigo scoffed playfully, burying his face in her soft black coat, his eyes growing heavy and closing. "I've heard that one before."

This time they laughed together, then Yoruichi watched as the boy slowly fell asleep, his fingers lightly stroking her until they finally went still and his hand fell to his side. Soon the cat-woman joined him and they slept peacefully together until, two hours later, Kisuke walked into the room and cleared his throat softly.

"Yoruichi-san, may I speak to Ichigo alone for a moment, onegai?"

"Of course," she agreed, glancing back at the former substitute shinigami reassuringly before gracefully leaping off the bed and padding from the room. Ichigo watched her go, then sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with a yawn.

"Gomen, I guess I slept longer than I should have," he apologized, then offered the shopkeeper a quiet 'thank you' when Kisuke set a cup of tea in his hands.

"That's all right, you looked like you needed it," Kisuke replied as he settled on the bed next to the teen, sipping at his tea as he looked at him curiously. "So, you said we could talk after you woke up. Want to tell me what really happened?"

Ichigo sighed quietly, staring into his cup and saying nothing.

"Onegai? I just want to know how I can help you," the blonde man urged, reaching over to grasp Ichigo's hand gently.

The teen stared at their clasped fingers, a shiver running through him as his mind went back to his fantasies the night before. Tightening his grip on Kisuke's hand, finally he answered, "Got into a fight with tou-san, we've been arguing nearly constantly these past couple months. He wants to act like he knows everything, like he can tell me how to run my life, but he doesn't understand anything. All he does is get mad at me and wants to force me to take antidepressants. I've told him they don't help, it's not like the pills take away my problems, they just make me feel like a zombie. I tried explaining that, but he never listens to what I say, he just wants to lecture and yell at me..."

Kisuke frowned, listening carefully before he responded, "I'm sure he doesn't mean to come off the way he does. Remember, he's a doctor, so his first instincts are to try and fix the problem medicinally. He's just trying to help you and doesn't know what else to do."

"But you should hear the things he says to me!" The boy exclaimed. "Like I'm a huge disappointment to him, or I'm a terrible nii-san to my sisters, and my kaa-san probably hates me now. How is that supposed to _help _me?"

"He said that about your kaa-san?" Kisuke's eyes darkened, running his thumb subconsciously over Ichigo's knuckles.

"Yeah, he loves to bring her up when he and I are in a fight. I guess it's because he knows it's the one thing he can say that will hurt me the most," Ichigo mused, taking another sip of tea, still focusing on the feeling of Kisuke holding onto his hand. _But it feels so different here with you, safe and comfortable. I wish I could stay here forever, that I never had to go back home. _"I guess I'm not any better, in that way, I've been known to say some pretty awful things when I lose my cool... This morning I called him a shitty tou-san."

"There are so many opportunities in life to say the wrong things, Ichigo-kun, especially when you're angry. But I know you didn't mean what you said to him, and I strongly doubt he meant to say those things to you in that manner, although his frustration doesn't give him the right to say it, anyway. You want me to try and talk to him? Isshin and I go back a long way, and we've always been able to get through to each other when no one else could. Maybe I can knock some sense into him, metaphorically speaking, that is. And until you both clear your heads enough to have a sensible conversation, you're more than welcome to stay here. Number one; you have to go to school every single day like you're supposed to, no hiding out and avoiding life. And two; you have to call and let your family know where you are. I'll help you out, but I won't be party to a lie."

Ichigo smiled softly and nodded. "Hai, that all sounds good, and I promise I'll follow your rules in return for you letting me stay. Arigatou, Urahara-san."

Kisuke smiled back, reaching over to ruffle Ichigo's bright sherbert tresses, his eyes softening when the teen nuzzled softly against his fingertips. "Hey, you know you can just call me Kisuke, and you're more than welcome," he grabbed the phone and handed it to Ichigo. "Now call your tou-san, let him know where you are, then tell him I want to speak with him soon. Tessai and I are nearly finished with lunch, so after you're done wash up and come eat."

Ichigo nodded, hesitantly looking down at the phone as Kisuke got up and left the room, closing the door behind him. With a deep, steadying breath he pressed the 'on' button, then slowly dialed his home phone number. It rang twice before someone picked up.

"Moshi moshi, Kurosaki residence," Yuzu's sweet but sad voice came on the line.

A sort of guilty relief washed over Ichigo that it wasn't his father, and he answered in a gentle tone, "Oh, hey there, Yuzu..."

"Ichi-nii! Are you okay?" His little sister cried in surprise and the same sense of relief he felt.

"Hai, I'm okay. Look, I'm really sorry for what happened earlier between tou-san and me. I know it scared you and I felt really bad that you were upset when I left..."

"You don't need to be sorry, Ichi-nii, tou-san shouldn't say the things he does to you. I just wish you two wouldn't fight, that you could get along like you used to. I love you both, and I don't want anything to happen."

"I wish we didn't fight, either, Yuzu, but don't worry, nothing bad is going to happen. Tou-san and I might fight sometimes, but we always work things out in the end. And no matter what, I'm still here for you and Karin whenever you need me, okay? I know things are screwed up – _I'm _screwed up right now – but I'm your nii-san no matter what," he bit his lip, then added a bit hoarsely, "I love you, too, imouto."

He could hear her smile, and his heart broke all over again. "Are you coming home tonight?"

"Uh, no, actually that's partially the reason why I called. I'm gonna stay at the shoten with Kisuke-san a few days until things blow over with tou-san and me. Will you tell him that for me, onegai? Oh, and tell Karin I said I'm sorry, too."

"Okay, I will. Take care of yourself, and come home soon, I miss you," she told him, sounding so much like their mother that he wanted to cry all over again.

"I miss you, too, but I'll be home in a couple of days. I'll talk to you later, okay, Yu?"

"Okay, sayonara, Ichi-nii."

"Sayonara," he said, then hung up the phone and walked out of the bedroom, starting down the hall for the kitchen when he was cornered by Ururu and Jinta. "Hey, Ururu," he smirked at Jinta. "Hey, brat."

"Come play with us!" Ururu begged, reaching her little hand out for Ichigo's. Jinta scowled and crossed his arms, glaring at the older teen.

Ichigo laughed softly and nodded, accepting the little girl's hand. "Okay, we'll play until they say we have to come in and eat."

The kids agreed and they all headed outside to start up a game – baseball, much to Ichigo's chagrin. Meanwhile in the kitchen, Kisuke stood by the sink, washing some vegetables off for a salad, watching Ichigo with the kids when he heard Yoruichi clear her throat behind him. He glanced back at her, now in fully dressed human form, and raised a curious eyebrow as her golden eyes bore holes into his head.

"Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into with Ichigo, Kisuke?" She inquired, crossing her arms and leaning against the doorway.

"What do you mean, Yoruichi-san? He's going through a rough time and I'm helping him, nothing more and nothing less."

"Oh, come on, I know you far better than that. You know just as well as I do what's happening between you and him. It's clear every time he looks at you or you at him, something beyond the relationship you had before is forming, at least in his mind. And what you're doing is only putting more ideas into his head. You best be careful, before things get out of control."

"I appreciate the warning, old friend," he said passively, starting to mix the veggies together in a bowl. "But, I do know what I'm doing, and I can assure you that nothing beyond a desire to help guide him out of this mess he's going through is in my mind. He may be confused right now, but I'll make sure he's clear about it as well, if you're assumption is right that he is feeling something more. I can take care of it, don't worry."

"Famous last words," she replied, disappearing down the hall.

Kisuke sighed, turning his attention back to the teen playing with the two kids in his front yard. Ichigo turned and caught his eye, giving him an affectionate smile that made Kisuke's heart flutter and his stomach clench all at once. _I do wonder if she is right, perhaps I'm letting this go too far. It would be wrong of me to give him the wrong idea about us when he's so vulnerable, but am I even sure of my own feelings? I'm not so confident that when this is over, I can remained unattached. But to stay unattached to him now would be to abandon him, and I'm not willing to do that, either. I will take my chances, however foolish that might prove to be._


	5. We Found Love

**Song for this chapter:** Rihanna - "We Found Love"

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><p><strong>Yellow diamonds in the light<strong>

**Now we're standing side by side**

**As your shadow crosses mine**

**What it takes to come alive...**

**We found love in a hopeless place**

It had been a week since Ichigo had unofficially moved into the shoten, and he had yet to speak to his tou-san, although it wasn't for a lack of trying on his part. Each time he'd called either Yuzu or Karin answered, telling him that Isshin was holed up in his clinic and refused to answer the phone in his office. Kisuke tried several times as well to reach his old friend, but didn't have any more luck than Ichigo at reaching him. The teen realized he had left a couple of things at his house, plus he needed more clothes, so at last Kisuke said he would accompany Ichigo back home and they could try and talk to Isshin together. On Wednesday, Kisuke picked Ichigo up at school and drove over to the Kurosaki home, pulling up to the curb and looking over at Ichigo, who he noticed had gone a bit more pallid as they reached the house.

"You going to be okay?" The blonde shopkeeper asked, touching Ichigo's shoulder gently.

Ichigo took a deep breath that he released in a trembling sigh, then nodded. "Hai, I think so."

"I'll be right there with you," Kisuke promised as they got out and walked up to the house. An odd feeling passed over Ichigo that he was somehow trespassing into the home, like he didn't belong there and should be asking permission to enter. _Why? It's your own damn house_, he reminded himself forcefully, taking his shoes off and setting them on the steps beside Kisuke's before they walked inside.

"Yuzu, Karin? Uh, t – tou-san, you guys home?" Ichigo called softly into the house, glancing around, then looked up when he heard footsteps rushing down the stairs.

"Ichi-nii!" Yuzu exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.

The orange-haired teen's cheeks flushed deep red at the display of affection in front of Kisuke, making the older man chuckle. Despite his embarrassment, he found himself smiling helplessly and rubbing her back lightly. "Good to see you, imouto," he told her sheepishly. "Where are Karin and tou-san?"

Yuzu finally broke away from her brother, saying a quick hello to Kisuke whom returned the greeting with a smile, then answered, "Karin is at a sleepover with her soccer teammates, and tou-san is still over working in the clinic. He barely comes out of there anymore," she added sadly.

"Yeah, I guess he's really mad at me this time. Kis and I..." he stopped himself, blushing even more deeply at the slip of using Kisuke's nickname. "I mean, Urahara-san and I are going to go over there and see if we can talk with him, then I'm gonna come back and grab some things before we go back to the shoten."

The young girl's eyes saddened. "You aren't staying home?"

"Iie, not yet," Ichigo answered, biting his lip. "But hopefully soon, I just have to make sure things are square between tou-san and I. I don't want to put you and Karin through listening to us fight anymore, it's not fair."

"All we want is you back home, Ichi-nii. I'm worried about Karin, since you left she's been really withdrawn, she won't talk to anyone, even me, and just stays away from the house. She seems really upset."

Ichigo sighed softly, running a hand over his face and through his hair. "Well, I'll talk to her soon and make sure that she's okay, but right now let me deal with tou-san, all right?"

Yuzu nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek, then started for the kitchen. "Okay, good, I think she really needs to talk to you. While you're talking with tou-san, I'll make us some tea."

Ichigo smiled and nodded, then looked at Kisuke who nodded and motioned for him to lead the way. They made their way from the main house into the adjoining clinic, starting down the hallway to Isshin's office. Subconsciously, Ichigo found himself reaching over to grasp Kisuke's hand, relaxing with the gentle squeeze the man gave his wrist. _I don't think I've ever been this afraid to face tou-san, and I don't even know why. Thank __Kami that Kisuke is here with me, I couldn't get through it without him_, Ichigo held onto Urahara's hand until they reached Isshin's closed office door, then released him and knocked on the door.

"I'm busy," the doctor gruffed from the other side of the door.

His son gave Kisuke an anxious look and swallowed thickly, but the shopkeeper urged him to continue and Ichigo called back in a soft, quivering voice, "Tou-san... I – It's me."

"What do _you _want?"

Ichigo backed away from the door, feeling his eyes burn as he stared at the floor. Kisuke cleared his throat and spoke up. "Isshin, old friend, Ichigo and I are both here, we just want to talk. Will you let us in, onegai?"

"No, I said I'm busy, now buzz off."

Kisuke let out a breath of frustration. "Fine, have it your way," he said, but instead of walking away he placed a hand on the doorknob and sent a shock of kido into the lock, shattering it, then pushed the door open.

Isshin looked up from the pile of papers he was signing at his large desk, glaring at the shopkeeper. "I believe you're breaking and entering, _old friend_," he growled out snidely.

"Tou-san, stop it," Ichigo interrupted the men. "I get why you're mad at me, but what's your problem with Kisuke?"

"Gosh, I can't imagine what it is, Ichigo," Isshin continued in his sarcastic, biting tone. "Maybe because he's kidnapped and hid my son from me?"

"Kidnapped? You've got to be shitting me!" Ichigo exclaimed incredulously. "It's not like he sneaked into my room one night and grabbed me from my bed, I went to him myself, and he's not been 'hiding me', either! Have you listened to the dozens of messages I've left, telling you where I was and that I wanted to talk?"

"You could have come and faced me instead of running away like a coward," Isshin argued.

"Yeah, well, the last few times I've 'faced you like a man' this is all you do to me! And as far as being a coward, you're -"

"All right now, both of you, lets stop this and talk like rational adults. Isshin, when Ichigo came to me and told me about the argument you'd gotten into, I told him that he could stay with me for a while to clear his head and let you calm down." _Though I see that didn't exactly work, _he mused, but thought better of saying it aloud.

"I see, and why did you think you had a right to stick your nose in my son's business? Haven't you done that enough? Every time you get involved with him, something bad happens. It's your fault he's even in this situation to begin with!"

"Nandayo? How the hell is it Kisuke's fault!" Ichigo shrieked, looking ready to walk across the room and pummel his father. Honestly, Kisuke wasn't far behind that point, but he wanted to keep a cool front in front of his former student.

"Ichigo," Kisuke attempted to placate the boy, though he had to force down his own rising anger. "Why don't you go have some tea with your sister while I talk with Isshin?"

"Nani? But, I don't want you to – " Ichigo started to argue, but Kisuke stopped him with a staying hand.

"It's okay, Ichigo, just go back into the house and have some tea with Yuzu. I'll be out in a few minutes."

The former substitute shinigami looked as if he wanted to argue further, but then he nodded reluctantly and left in the direction they came. When he passed by the shopkeeper, he reached out so their fingers lightly brushed each other, a gesture Isshin clearly saw and didn't like one bit. When Ichigo was safely out of the clinic, Kisuke walked into the physician's office, locking the door behind him.

"May I sit down?" He asked, motioning to the chair by the desk.

"I'd rather you didn't," Isshin ground out through clenched teeth.

Kisuke sighed and took of his hat, raking his fingers through his shaggy blonde locks. "Look, I know you've always blamed me for everything Ichigo has been through, and believe me, I've done my fair share of beating myself up over it, too. But, we can either stand here and lay blame about how he got into this situation, or make a plan to get him out of it. He's in real trouble here, Isshin, but I have to tell you, he seems better since he's been with me. He's eating a bit more, sleeping better, and even if he's cut himself while he's been there, he's making an effort to stop. I believe it was all the stress at home, with the conflict between you that was getting to him on top of the other stuff."

"Basically, you came to throw it in my face that you're better for him than his own tou-san? Because, if that's all it is, you could have spared yourself a trip. My son made it quite clear to me a long time ago he chose you. What are you doing to him this time? Experiments? Or are you just trying to get him in bed?"

"Of course not! He's asked me to figure out why he lost his powers, yes, but nothing we've done together goes beyond that. I am his friend and his former sensei, that's all. Not that it should be any of your business, anyway," Kisuke narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest.

Isshin glared back, slowly getting up from his desk and leaning over so he was in Kisuke's face. "Iie, of course not, nothing my son does is my business, is it, Kisuke? Not with you around to sweep him off his feet and fix all his troubles, right? But I know you far better than he does, and you don't do _anything _without an ulterior motive. You'll help him, all right, all the way into your bed so you can satisfy your perverted needs."

"You're being absurd, Isshin! And yes, if you want me to be honest, I think I can do a hell of a lot more for him than you have. At least I don't verbally and emotionally abuse him!" The blonde-haired man shot back, his gray eyes flickering with fiery anger.

"Iie, you would _never _do such a thing, you'll just sexually assault him then toss him out like garbage once you've gotten from him!" Isshin raged, grabbing Kisuke by the collar of his shirt as the other man raised his fist in self-defense.

"Stop it! Kis, onegai, just stop!" Ichigo suddenly burst into the room, having come back when he heard the men shouting. He placed himself between Kisuke and Isshin, his enraged spiced-chocolate eyes throwing daggers at the raven-haired man. "He's right, tou-san, I'm getting better with him because he's not always criticizing and putting me down the way you do, or making me feel like shit because I might get down sometimes. All you make me do is feel like some huge failure; to you, kaa-san, and the girls! _He _listens to me and makes me feel better! And..." He glanced at Kisuke, then continued, his voice shaking a bit. "And maybe I _want _to be with him like you're saying, maybe I want him to love me that way, because I... I think I love him, too."

Isshin stared at his son incredulously, his mouth agape. "You think he _loves _you, Ichigo? Come on, you can't be that naive! You're just some good-looking, young kid that he wants to sleep with, then he'll throw you out and never have anything to do with you again. He'll ruin you!"

Ichigo looked down for a moment, chewing his lip, then looked back at Isshin with defiance. "Nothing he can do to me is as bad as what I've already been through. And either way, I think you're wrong." He turned around, meeting the shopkeeper's eyes. "Can we go now? Onegai?"

"Hai," Kisuke smiled at him gently, slipping his arm around Ichigo's shoulders. "Let's go."

Ichigo's mouth turned up in a soft smile and he leaned into the older man's embrace, sliding his own arm around Kisuke's waist as they turned for the door.

"Ichigo," Isshin warned in a low, dangerous tone. "If you leave this house with him again, don't even think about coming back."

Ichigo only hesitated for a moment before nodding. "Okay," he said dismissively, walking out still tucked close to Kisuke's side.

Isshin watched in stunned silence as his son left with his old friend, then released a howl of rage as he banged his fists on his desk, disrupting the papers lying on top. Neither Kisuke nor Ichigo even flinched at the sound, not stopping until they came back to the front of the house and saw Yuzu standing there, looking toward the clinic nervously.

"It's okay, Yu," Ichigo promised his little sister. "But, we'll take a rain check on that tea, okay? And you and Karin can stop by to see me at the shoten any time you want."

"I – Ichi-nii?" She whispered, tears rising in her eyes.

He stepped forward, kissing her on the forehead as he enveloped her warmly in his arms. "Everything is going to be all right. Be strong, for yourself and Karin. And if things get bad here, you can always come live with us," he looked to Kisuke for confirmation, smiling again when the blonde man nodded.

Yuzu sniffled and nodded a bit sadly, hugging Ichigo tightly before letting him go and stepping back. "H – Hai. S – Sayonara, Ichi-nii."

"Hey," Ichigo scolded gently, touching her chin with his fingertips. "No goodbyes, just 'see you later'."

She nodded again, wiping her eyes and watching as the two men left the house. They made their way down the walkway and climbed into the car where they both just sat for a moment, Ichigo burying his face in his hands with a sigh.

"Gomen, I didn't mean to get you involved in this between him and I. Now I've ruined your friendship and -"

"Ichigo, urusai," Kisuke told him suddenly.

Ichigo lifted his head, blinking in surprise. "N – Nani?"

The shopkeeper slid over on the seat, wrapping his arms around the teen's smaller frame and bringing their faces close together. Ichigo sucked in a breath and held it, his heart racing in his ears and his blood singing as he breathed in Kisuke's heady scent of masculinity.

"I said, 'urusai'," Kisuke murmured, brushing his fingertips along the sharp line of the orange-haired boy's defined jaw.

Then he brought his lips down against Ichigo's mouth and kissed him ever so gently.


	6. If Only

**A/N: **Hey everyone! Sorry this chapter took longer, but I've had a busy few days. Hope it's worth the wait! And sorry to disappoint anyone who wanted more Ichigo/Yuzu/Karin moments, but I promise that will be in the next chapter, I'm deciding which way to go with it now. Love you all, enjoy!

Don't you guys DARE make fun of me for this, haha, but this chapter's song is "If Only" by Hanson. I freaking LOVE them, so if anyone has anything smart to say... Well, just don't! :P

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><p><strong>If only I had the guts to feel this way<strong>

**If only you'd look at me and want to stay**

**If only I'd take you in my arms and say**

**"I won't go, 'cause I need you"**

Their kiss was extremely brief, just a feather-light brushing of soft lips in the breath of a second before it was over, but Ichigo played it continuously in his mind the entire way back to the shoten – or 'home' to him now. He kept visualizing Kisuke's head tilting forward toward him, smoky eyes heavy-lidded and his pale, thin lips closed and slightly puckered, reaching out for his own. The sweet smell of Kisuke's warm, light breath puffing against his face lingered in his nose; green tea, mint and a faint hint of the sake he'd taken a shot of before going to face Isshin. His scruffy beard lightly scratched against Ichigo's soft, hairless cheeks. Ichigo quivered inside as he recalled not only the softness and sweetness of Kisuke's mouth, but what he felt beneath the momentary connection of their lips; tenderness and sincerity, respect and care, like the teen was the most precious piece of fine china in the world and if he so much as touched him the wrong way, he would break. Ichigo hadn't felt such a loving, honest touch in so long he couldn't even remember the last time. He ached for more, but also felt uncertain terror settle inside him.

_He's my sensei, for Kami's sake! What in the hell am I doing kissing him? But then again, **he **made the first move, so maybe it's okay... But still, it's so weird! I've never felt this way about someone before, and I never expected it would be Kisuke, of all people. And I can't believe I actually said that in front of him to tou-san. Maybe I was wrong to say that I think he feels the same about me, and it made him feel like he needed to make some kind of a move so I wouldn't think he was rejecting me... Oh, hell, I don't know! This is all so fucked up..._

Kisuke found himself in a similar state of shock at his impulsive actions. He barely noticed the death grip in which his fingers held onto the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white, as he stole glances at Ichigo out the corner of his eye.

_Dammit, I'm no better than Isshin said I am, taking advantage of his vulnerable state like this. He's confused and I should be the one helping him figure things out, not pouncing on him like a ravenous animal whose just caught the prey they've been so hungry for. It's only going to hurt him in the end and drive him further into his darkness. I'm so stupid... But it felt so good at the same time, kissing him after I've wanted him for so long. I can't even believe I'm admitting that, but it's true. Who could blame me? He's a beautiful, intelligent, talented kid. But either way, I need to be more careful in how I approach this, it needs to be on his time and not mine. I can wait for what I want, this is about him. Just remember that... _He kept opening his mouth to say the words aloud, then promptly snapped his mouth shut again, not sure if it would help or hurt. It was all he could do not to bang his head on the wheel repeatedly for being so stupid. At the same time, though, he couldn't help the undertone of giddy excitement that Ichigo responded to his advance. Could this really be the same kid who went into fits of hysteria every time Yoruichi appeared in front of him naked? The mere fact that he didn't outright push Kisuke away or act completely disgusted had to count in the shopkeeper's favor, right?

A somewhat awkward silence fell between them, persisting from the time they arrived back at the shoten, lasting throughout dinner with Yoruichi, Tessai and the kids, who uncomfortably watched the two avoid eye contact and blush if they happened to reach for something at the same time and their hands brushed. Neither said much of anything until Ichigo finally mumbled something about homework, quickly excusing himself from the table and all but running back to his room. He _did _pull out his chemistry book for the exam they were taking in a few days, but found he couldn't really concentrate, so instead he decided taking a nice, hot, relaxing bath would be good for him. Grabbing some fresh sleeping clothes and a towel from the upstairs linen closet, he made his way downstairs to the springs in the underground training room.

The healing water of the springs didn't have the same effect it used to when he still had his shinigami powers, but the heat did relax his taut muscles and eased the last of the tension from his mind. He dipped backward to wet his long, sherbert-colored locks, then settled back against one of the large rocks, letting his mind wander away from the conflict with his tou-san and his new situation with Kisuke. After he relaxed for a while, he found some bathing supplies at the edge of the water, grabbing the shampoo to start washing his hair. But just as he reached for it, a lighter skinned hand picked it up instead.

"Mind if I do that?" Kisuke's soft baritone voice asked from behind him.

Ichigo looked over his shoulder at the blond man, flushing as he tried to keep himself from thinking of the part of the shopkeeper hidden from him by the water. He smiled slightly, his cheeks flushing a dusky pink tint. "Hai, arigatou."

Kisuke let out a soft breath of he didn't even know he was holding in. He squirted some of the gel-like liquid into his palm, lathering it up before he began gently massaging it into Ichigo's scalp. The younger man sighed happily, leaning back into Kisuke's touches, both of them relieved the strangeness that fell between them after their kiss wouldn't last. At least this was an exchange they were familiar with; many times after training Ichigo would be so exhausted that he could barely stay on his feet, so Kisuke would take him into the springs, letting the water heal any injuries he acquired while he washed the sweat and blood from his peaches-and-cream skin. They stayed quiet a few moments, Ichigo releasing a few soft, content groans as Kisuke's fingers skillfully rubbed and scratched his head, until he finally spoke up about what he was thinking.

"Something weird happened today I wanted to ask you about. At my house, when you sent me out of the room..."

"And you ignored me and came back anyway," Kisuke added with a smirk.

Ichigo laughed sheepishly. "Yeah, sumimasen, but anyway... Right before I heard you both yelling and ran back, I thought I might have... felt something. It was like when I used to sense reiatsu, even though I sucked at it I could sense it a little bit, and I felt like I could again today. A lot weaker than I used to, but still, it was there."

"Oh? That's very interesting," Kisuke mused, bending Ichigo's head back gently to rinse the shampoo out, then moved on to washing his body. He made sure to keep his touches light and non-suggestive, not wanting to make Ichigo feel rushed.

"Any idea how or why it could have happened?"

"Well, as you know, the results of most the tests I've run have come up inconclusive, so I'm not entirely sure. However – and this is still just a theory, keep in mind – I have some reason to believe that you haven't completely _lost _your powers, but that they are lying dormant within you. Basically, I think because you expended so much of your powers during the war that you essentially short-circuited yourself, and now you have to replenish and build yourself back up after you've recovered. Your emotional and mental stress could also be negatively affecting your spiritual pressure, so once you start improving on that front, it will also help you to regain the strength you had before."

The ginger-haired teen bit his lip, unsure whether or not he dared to hope Kisuke was right. "Is there a way to confirm that?"

"Hai, I believe so, there are some more specific tests I can run that will hopefully give us some answers either way, but it might take a while," Kisuke warned, gently massaging the soap into Ichigo's skin before rinsing him off again, then allowed Ichigo to switch places with him so the youth could return the favor.

"I don't care how long it takes as long as we get somewhere with it," Ichigo answeredwhile beginning to wash Kisuke's shaggy blonde tresses.

Kisuke smiled at the fierce determination in the younger man's voice. _Now that sounds like the Ichigo I used to know._

After Ichigo finished helping Kisuke bathe, they both settled close together in the hot water, just soaking and relaxing until it was time for bed. They waded back to the spring's edge, getting out and drying off, then dressed back in their night clothes before heading back upstairs. The others were just turning in for the night themselves, so Kisuke ushered Jinta to his room while Ichigo scooped up Ururu from where she'd fallen asleep on the futon, carrying her upstairs and tucking her in bed, missing the days when he used to do the same for his sisters. Yuzu and Karin were really growing up too fast, and Ichigo realized he was all but missing their teen years. Pretty soon they'd be driving and having their first boyfriends. He cringed at that last thought, not wanting to consider all the teen guys he'd likely have to shred to pieces if they hurt his baby sisters.

_But, I guess I'm the only one hurting them now, _he admitted to himself sadly as he made his way to his room, trying to think of what he was going to say to Karin. He planned to corner her sometime the next day after her soccer game in the afternoon. Isshin was not likely to show up as he'd still probably be stewing over Ichigo and Kisuke, so he could actually have some time alone with her. It was bound to be a difficult conversation, but it needed to be done.

Crawling into bed, he let his mind wander from his sisters back to Kisuke, drifting to sleep with cloudy sky eyes, scratchy whiskers and soft lips whirling through his mind.

Meanwhile, Kisuke lie just a few feet away, tossing and turning as he tried to will away the uncomfortable _problem _that resulted from Ichigo's touches on his body and in his hair. He finally drifted off only to find the orange-haired teen haunting his dreams, those calloused, warm fingers touching him everywhere, sending his mind into a blissful oblivion and setting his body on fire.


	7. Breaking The Habit

**A/N: **This chapter is longer to make up for the pause between chapter five and chapter six. Also, Karin doesn't mean what she says to Ichigo, she is just upset. Ichigo will be okay, and they'll have a chance to talk things out and be okay again. Also, I just had to add a bit with my favorite redhead (and yours, too, admit it!), but there won't be much of him and Byakuya in this story. It's all about Kisuke and Ichigo. Anyway, love you all, and just trust me that I will make everything okay again!

**Song: **Linkin Park - "Breaking The Habit"

* * *

><p><strong>I don't want to be the one<strong>

**The battles always choose**

**'Cause inside I realize**

**That I'm the one confused...**

**I don't know how I got this way**

**I know it's not all right**

**So I'm breaking the habit**

**Tonight**

People's nightmares revolve around their worst fears; some dream about plummeting to their death from high places, while others have wild animals chasing them, blood-thirsty and gnashing their sharp teeth, or screaming and kicking inside a coffin as they are buried alive. Children dream of ghosts in the basement or monsters under their bed, while older people's worst nightmares consist of watching themselves die, or major world disasters. Whatever they might be, they exist to bring out the worst fears we harbor in our subconscious, to force us to confront the demons we run from in the daylight.

Ichigo Kurosaki's nightmares were all about _failure_; failing to protect his loved ones, inability what was needed of him to save everything that mattered, falling short of being the man he wanted and needed to be for everyone. The scenarios were always different, but the theme never changed.

_He ran as fast as he could up the grassy side of Sokyoku Hill, feeling the shaky weariness in his bones after struggling so long and hard to get to the top, hid mind on the only person who mattered in that moment: Rukia. At last he could see the Sokyoku, the small, raven-haired woman lifted up on the cross, and the circle of shinigami that enclosed her. So close, he was **so **close now, just a little further and..._

_He froze in place just feet away from Rukia, unable to move or even breath as the great fire bird spirit of the Sokyoku screeched to life, the release of immense spiritual pressure nearly knocking him over as it soared toward her at amazing speed. He stared up at it, wondering why Byakuya or Renji weren't doing something to stop it. Why was Renji just watching her with sad garnet eyes, and Byakuya staring at the ground like it wasn't even happening? The breath he was holding came out in an animalistic howl of agony._

"_RUKIA!"_

_Her eyes found his just seconds before the tremendous phoenix engulfed her in flames, and she let out a shrill scream as her body was incinerated to dust. Ichigo dropped to his knees, clawing at the earth as he screamed her name over and over, tears streaming down his cheeks and his heart feeling like his heart was burning to ashes, like Rukia's body, in his chest. His reiatsu burned out of control, overwhelming him and starting to eat him from the inside out, killing him with his own power..._

Ichigo jolted awake, sitting straight up in bed and shoving the blanket into his mouth to stop the scream that threatened to erupt from his throat. It took several minutes before he realized he was back in the shoten, not in Soul Society, lying in bed. He tried to lie back down and fall asleep, but found he couldn't with the way his heart still hammered in his ribcage, the sweat beading down his body. Eventually he got up, changing his wet clothes before walking out to the darkened hallway, making his way down to the second to last door on the right. Sliding the door open and closed again as silently as he could so not to wake the sleeping man inside, he crept over to the queen-sized bed, standing over Kisuke.

"Kis? Um, K – Kisuke?" he whispered, gently tugging on the sleeve of Kisuke's night shirt.

The blonde man grunted softly, his eyes fluttering open and searching around dazedly until they fell on the boy standing beside the bed. "Mm, Ichi?" He muttered sleepily, looking around for his clock. "What time is it?"

"Three-fifteen in the morning, gomen," the other answered, shame evident in his voice. "I didn't mean to disturb you this early..."

"S'okay," Kisuke reassured him, gazing up into his lost, sad cinnamon eyes. "Can't sleep?"

"Iie," Ichigo admitted, looking down at his feet sheepishly. "I had a pretty bad nightmare about Rukia."

Kisuke frowned worriedly, nodding as he pulled back the covers, patting the space beside him. "Climb in, you can stay with me tonight."

Ichigo nodded, crawling into the large, comfortable bed and curling up at the shopkeeper's side, enjoying the closeness of their sleep-warmed bodies. He rested his head on the older man's shoulder, cuddling down close to him under the blankets. "Arigatou, and gomen again for putting you out like this. I know I've been a lot of trouble for you since I came here."

"Hey, I don't want to hear any more of that," Kisuke scolded him gently, resting his chin on the boy's soft citrus-colored locks as he breathed in the scent of his shampoo. "You know it's no problem, I was the one who volunteered to help you." He ran a gentle hand up and down the expanse of Ichigo's back through his shirt. "Want to talk about the dream?"

Ichigo shivered at the memory, pressing himself closer to the other man's slightly larger body as he shook his head. "Maybe tomorrow, I'm really tired right now. Can – Can we just go to sleep?"

Kisuke sighed softly, but nodded in acquiescence, lightly running his fingers through Ichigo's hair. "Hai, go ahead and sleep now, we can talk tomorrow."

Ichigo curled up closer, nuzzling into the shopkeeper's neck. "Arigatou, oyasumi nasai."

"Oyasumi nasai, Ichigo, sleep well," Kisuke murmured, stroking the boy's hair and rubbing his back until his breath evened out and his body fully relaxed. _I wish I knew what more to do for you, _Kisuke pondered sadly, holding Ichigo tightly against his chest as if physically protecting him from the nightmares. _But just try to trust me and we'll do this together. I promise it won't always be this hard, you'll be okay in the end. I'll be here by your side to make sure of it. _He brushed a soft kiss across the orange-haired teen's furrowed brow, smiling when Ichigo's face softened at the touch. "I'll always be here for you," he whispered against the shell of one peach-skinned ear, slowly following the younger man into sleep.

Neither one saw the crimson spiked pony-tail of the tall shinigami who crouched down outside, peering into the small window of Urahara's bedroom with a thoughtful frown. He slowly got up once the men inside were asleep, keeping his reiatsu concealed as he made his way back to the street where his midnight-haired noble taichou awaited him.

"Arigatou for letting me use the private Kuchiki senkaimon, Taichou," Renji said softly, bowing respectfully to the noble.

"There is no need to be so formal when it's just you and I, watashi no koi," Byakuya answered in his deep, calm voice, brushing a soft kiss over Renji's lips as he laced their fingers together. "And you are welcome, but onegai, do not make it a habit. If someone found out and told Yamamoto-soutaichou that I am allowing you to come to the living world to see Kurosaki, it would cost us both our positions in the Gotei 13."

"Hai, I know," Renji acknowledged, returning the kiss as he rubbed Byakuya's soft knuckles with his rough, calloused thumb. "And I really do appreciate you putting yourself on the line for me. I just had to check on him, but I promise, this will be the only time."

Byakuya nodded, glancing toward the dark shoten, then back into Renji's garnet eyes as he slipped his arms around the larger-framed man. "How is he?"

Renji sighed, leaning into his lover's embrace. "He doesn't look very good right now, but I guess Urahara-san is taking care of him. Not much we can do about it now anyway, ne?"

"Not right now, I'm afraid, but things may resolve themselves in time. We'll just have to see how it plays out from here. Now, shall we go? I, for one, would rather be home in bed with you than standing here on this street corner with such unpleasant thoughts."

Renji smiled, claiming Byakuya's mouth a bit more firmly this time. "Ah, me too, let's go."

Byakuya gave him an expression that was as close to a smile as the noble could get, tucking himself under the redhead's arm before opening his family senkaimon and following his lover back toward Soul Society.

–

Kisuke and Ichigo were both up bright and early the next morning, immediately going down to the shopkeeper's laboratory to begin the examinations needed so Kisuke could prove his theory. It was Saturday, so they had several hours before the kids, Tessai or Yoruichi woke up, not that any of them would have interrupted anyway. They broke for lunch with the others, then went right back to work until Ichigo looked at the clock and headed out for his sister's game at two-thirty.

"You sure you don't want me to come with you?" Kisuke inquired before he left.

"I think it's better that I talk with her alone first, but arigatou," Ichigo answered as he started for the door, "Be back soon!" He called over his shoulder.

"Ja ne!" Kisuke called, waving to him at the door before he turned around to go back to the lab and look over the processing results of the examinations they'd run. Yoruichi stood in the doorway to his lab, glaring at him with scrutinizing golden eyes. "Does my feline companion have some more insight to impart on me?" He asked, jovially sarcastic.

Yoruichi shook her head disapprovingly, her waist-length violet ponytail swishing back and forth like a tail. "Baka-ka," she sneered, then shifted into black cat form and slunk away.

Kisuke couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up from his throat, walking back to the laboratory and closing the door. _You're probably right, my old nakama..._

–

Despite everything still being damp from the morning rain shower, it was actually a beautiful day if somewhat chilly, prompting Ichigo to walk to the soccer field instead of taking Urahara's car. Droplets clung to the vibrant colored leaves, making the trees appear to glisten in the sunlight as if they were studded with little crystals. He breathed in the fresh air, enjoying being outside in the sunlight rather than Urahara's dark lab, not that he minded as long as he could be with the shopkeeper. A blush rose on his cheeks as his mind trailed back to their kiss, and the memory of sleeping in Kisuke's arms the night before. It was the first night he'd slept peacefully since he left his house, missing the poster of his mother that he fell asleep and woke up to back home. He still had a smaller version of the picture in his wallet, but it didn't feel quite the same.

The sound of people shouting broke him from his reverie, and he looked up to find himself standing beside the soccer field, spectators grouped behind the tall chain-link fence watching as the junior high teams played. As he suspected, Isshin was nowhere to be found, which both relieved and made him angry at the same time. Their dad was mad at _him_, but his sister hadn't done anything wrong. Couldn't he at least put aside his own feelings to go and watch his own daughter's game? But, either way, it made it all that much easier for him to talk to her afterward. He crossed over into the park and made his way toward the game, positioning himself behind some of the parents so if his sister looked over she couldn't see him.

He ached inside when he saw Karin, how thin and pale she suddenly looked, so much like he had before Kisuke got a hold of him. Purplish-blue bruises shadowed her deep gray eyes, her raven hair that she always put into a neat ponytail was thrown messily on top of her head, held up with a red elastic band. _Oh, Karin_... He sighed to himself, guilt making his heart ache as he watched her. A while later the game was nearing an end, and Karin finally managed to get back the ball from the rival team and weaved her way through the other players to the game, setting up her kick into the goal. Ichigo held his breath as she got ready to kick it, clapping a hand over his mouth so he wouldn't yell out to her.

_Do it, Karin, do it! _He cheered silently, but while Karin was so focused on the goalie another player from the opposing team came up and knocked her off her feet, causing her shot to go wide and bounce off the goal post. The whistle blew and the point was awarded to the other team, giving them the win. Ichigo grabbed his hair in both hands and growled in frustration, stomping his feet. _Dammit, dammit, dammit! _

The other girls on Karin's team shoved by her to get to their coach, giving her disappointed glares and making Ichigo want to kick all their asses along with that little brat who ruined Karin's shot. She grabbed the soccer ball and wandered away from the huddle up, sitting down on a bench. After he addressed the girls, the coach tried to go over and console Karin, but clearly didn't have any luck as she just screamed at him to leave her the hell alone. Ichigo winced at the anger he knew concealed a world of pain in her voice, waiting until everyone cleared the area before he approached her.

"Yo," he said gently, walking over to the bench she was sitting on.

"I told you to -" she stopped her tirade when she turned and saw her brother, a look of anxious excitement passing over her face, but she quickly replaced it with a scowl she could have only learned from her aniki. "What are _you _doing here?"

"I came to watch you play. It was a good game, that was a lousy play by the other team at the end, though. You guys should have won," Ichigo said conversationally, sitting next to her and trying not to look as hurt as he felt when she moved away slightly.

"Yeah, well, if I hadn't screwed up we might have," she grumbled, dropping the ball and kicking it around with her feet.

"Iie, you were right in the pocket, that would have been a goal if she hadn't knocked you down. It wasn't your mistake," he reassured, watching her from the corner of his eye. "Like I said, that was a dirty play by them, and the ref should have fouled them on it."

"Whatever."

Ichigo sighed, clapping his hands together. "Well, anyway, you'll do it next time. So..." He glanced down, a stab of fear going through him when he saw bruises on her arms, but tried to stay calm. "How've you been doing?"

"And why should you give a shit?" She snapped, glaring at him. "You haven't up until now, so what's the point?"

"Because, I'm your nii-san and I love you, and I'm really sorry for how things have been with me. You have every right to be mad at me for arguing with tou-san, upsetting you and Yuzu and just leaving you guys behind like that..."

"You think all this is about is you and tou-san?" Karin asked incredulously. "Tou-san is an asshole, and while you can be just as much of a jerk, in general I've always sided with you in everything you've said to him. As for leaving, hai, I'm pissed about that, but just because I would have gone with you if you'd even stopped to ask how I feel. But, none of that bothers me as much as the other stuff."

"O – Other stuff?" Ichigo repeated uncertainly.

"Yeah, like the fact that you went along with tou-san all those years in lying to Yuzu and I about how kaa-san died. Or the fact that you can or at least could see spirits for most of your life just like me, but you never told me and I thought I was all alone, like some kind of side-show freak. Or how about when you were off in some other dimension fighting a war and never even said anything about it. Then when you came home, you were all weird and wouldn't talk to me or anyone, and you started cutting yourself. How is any of that supposed to make me feel, Ichigo? You're supposed to be the one person in my life that I can trust, but so far, all you've done is lie to me and shove me away."

"Kar, listen..." He started, suddenly feeling nauseated and dizzy.

"No!" She hollered back, jumping up and standing right in front of him, her fists balled up at her sides. "Why should I listen to you when _no one _even cares enough to listen to what I have to say? Just go back to Urahara's and keep on ignoring me like you always have been, because the nii-san act won't matter anyway now. Just go away and leave me alone," she spat at him, then turned and stormed in the other direction.

"Onegai, wait, Karin!" Ichigo called to her desperately, standing up to go after her.

Karin turned back, screaming at him at the top of her lungs. "_The next time you cut yourself, I hope you just __**die**_! _Then you'll become a shinigami and be away from us like you want!_"

Ichigo's eyes widened and filled with tears, his blood turning to ice water in his veins. He sunk back down onto the bench, burying his face in his hands, his breath coming out in broken, choked sobs. Regaining some composure after several minutes, he reached into his pocket, feeling around for the razor he kept there. He'd kept it there just in case. He grasped and pulled it out, watching the way it glistened in the sun, then dragged it across his skin, waiting for relief.

Kisuke walked onto the grassy field from the sidewalk, making his way to where he saw the soccer goals set up. Ichigo told him to stay away, but he couldn't help the nagging feeling in his stomach and finally went to check on him. As he approached a bench on one side of the field, he saw a form hunched over on a bench, orange hair like a traffic cone.

"Ichigo!" He called, quickening his pace over to the boy, frowning as he got closer and saw the ground at Ichigo's feet was spattered in blood. "Ichigo," he said again, his voice rising in panic.

Ichigo startled at the sound of the shopkeeper's voice, looking back at him with defeated, hazy eyes. "K – Kisuke... G – Gomen nasai..." He said, then slumped over limply, his spiced chocolate eyes sliding closed as the razor fell to the ground, soaked in crimson liquid.

"Iie!" Kisuke yelled, rushing forward to catch the unconscious boy before he fell and hit the ground.


	8. My Tourniquet

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay once again, but I am pretty sick right now and have barely been off the couch or out of bed much the last couple days. I finally had the strength to finish this chapter tonight, but updates may be slow until I start feeling better. I thank you all for your reviews, favorites and alerts you've put on this story, it means so much to me. I also thank you for being patient and understanding right now. Thank you also to unsigned reviewers Subaru and Shane.

By the way, **Subaru **- I really do appreciate your reviews and the advice, but I was a bit unclear whether or not you think my story is one instance of overusing the Japanese language. Could you please clarify for me? I love constructive criticism and will keep it in mind, but I do try to only use a few words here and there, and I've put up all the translations on my profile. Anyway, I will keep it in mind, I just wanted to see if I fully understood what you were saying to me.

And since I haven't done one in a while, **disclaimer: **I do not own the original story line of Bleach, the settings of Soul Society or Karakura Town, or any of the story's characters. All I claim rights to are the minor OCs I may create and my own plot for this particular story. Bleach is strictly the property of Tite Kubo, and this is only meant for fun. However, if Renji or Ichigo are ever put up for sale, I'd certainly put out a bid! :P I kid, I kid...

Anyway, on with the story!

**Song: **Evanescence - My Tourniquet

* * *

><p><strong>I lay dying and I'm pouring<strong>

**Crimson regret and betrayal**

**I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming**

**Am I too lost to be saved?**

He couldn't recall anything past the moment he saw Kisuke running over calling his name, nothing beyond the whispered apology he'd rasped out to the shopkeeper. He didn't even know when exactly he passed out. All he remembered was Karin screaming at him that she hoped he would die, her words making him feel like he was being torn apart from the inside out, the pain worse than having his powers so violently stripped away from him. _Stop it, just stop it, onegai, Kami make it stop, I can't do it, can't hurt like this anymore, __onegai,__**make it go away**__! Too much, it's too much, not my sister, not my baby sister... _His thoughts whirled in his mind as he groped desperately for his beloved razor blade, the only thing he knew could give him true peace. The pain shocked his body like a lightning bolt as he pressed the knife into the flesh of his wrist, pulling upward against the artery he knew was somewhere inside, all he had to do was get deep enough. It stopped hurting after a while, the physical hurt fading into the pounding of his heart and the rush of warmth that escaped through him, followed by a chilling cold down in his bones. Rivers of crimson flowed down his arms and ran off his fingers, staining the earth under his feet. His head spun, then... Nothing. No more thoughts, no pain, no cold. Just black nothingness surrounded him. A blessed void.

Blinding white flooded his vision, and for the first moment after he opened his eyes he thought he was in the Siereitei healing center. Maybe Renji or Rukia came to perform the Konso on him after he died and they'd brought him here... But, no. A face swam into his vision, surely a doctor though it wasn't Unohana-taichou, or Kotetsu-fukutaichou, or even Hanatarou. As his eyes slowly focused, he realized he was looking up into the oceanic eyes of Uryuu's father, Ryuuken Ishida. The silver-haired doctor lowered the flashlight from his eyes, looking over at someone out of Ichigo's line of sight.

"He's regaining consciousness," the doctor informed the other person.

Kisuke's careworn, pallid face appeared next to Ryuken's above him, slipping his hand into the younger male's. "Ichi-kun, thank Kami!" He exclaimed, tears clinging to his pale lashes.

The orange-haired teen's lips moved, but all that came from his throat was a soft croak. His mouth and lips were so dry, it felt like he was swallowing around sandpaper, and suddenly he became aware of the fact that he couldn't move his arms. "Un?" He grunted, struggling against the leather straps that held him in place. "Mmnuh.." he whimpered, looking back at Kisuke with panicked brandy-colored eyes.

"Stay still," Ryuken frowned at him, narrowing his azure eyes in displeasure. "Gomen for the discomfort, but standard protocol in the hospital is to keep attempted suicides restrained for at least forty-eight hours; it's a precaution so you don't try to hurt yourself – _again – _or anyone else."

Ichigo tried to speak again, but the words still wouldn't come out. _Kami, need water_. Thankfully, Kisuke seemed to understand what Ichigo was trying to ask him and picked up a small paper cup on a table next to his bed, holding the straw for him to drink some water. The teen swallowed down several large gulps, then sighed in relief and licked his lips with a freshly wet tongue.

"A – Arigatou," he whispered, still a bit hoarse but at least able to speak. His eyes slowly surveyed what he could see of the room, shivering at the endless sea of white. _This place is like Las Noches, maybe even worse_. "H – How long have I b – been here?"

"Well, it's just about one-thirty on Sunday afternoon, and you got here around five yesterday evening," Ryuken informed him. "You lost consciousness from the amount of blood you lost, which we're now giving back to you," he pointed to the bag of bright red platelets hanging from an IV pole, along with fluids. "We've also been giving you some painkillers and sedatives to help you sleep it off, which now that you're awake we'll back off on and eventually switch you over to oral medication. You got yourself pretty good, it took thirty-six stitches on both arms to close you up," Ryuken informed him, nodding at the bandages that covered Ichigo's arms from wrist to elbow. "Are you feeling dizzy or nauseated at all?"

"Mm, both of those are ringing some bells at the moment," Ichigo answered, his eyes drifting closed again. The simple act of staying awake, being conscious in his body, was exhausting. "But mostly just tired."

Ryuken nodded, glancing at the shopkeeper as he spoke. "That's to be expected. We'll give you some anti-nausea medication through your IV and let you sleep a while, then maybe later tonight you'll want something to eat."

_I don't want to even **think** of food, _Ichigo's mind retorted in disgust, but he simply nodded. "Arigatou for everything, again, Dr. Ishida."

The doctor nodded, turning around to go back out into the hall. A few minutes later a pretty nurse whose nametag read 'Sukina' came in to administer the meds, then checked his vital signs to write down in his chart before she left as well, finally leaving the shopkeeper and former substitute shinigami alone. When Kisuke sat down in the overnight chair beside Ichigo's bed and reached for his hand Ichigo pulled away, looking at the shopkeeper with hurt, angry cinnamon eyes.

"Ichi..." Kisuke started, but he was cut off by Ichigo's wounded, shaking voice.

"You brought me to Ryuken Ishida, my tou-san's friend and colleague? Why the hell would you do a thing like that? Now he's going to call tou-san and tell him what happened, not to mention Uryuu and everyone at school will probably find out. How could you do this to me, Kisuke? I trusted you, now you've practically thrown me back to the wolves."

"Stop right there, I did nothing of the sort and you know it. You were _dying_, Ichigo, and we didn't have the means to help you at the shoten, so I brought you here to Dr. Ishida. But I told him, since you are still under eighteen and need care, that I have claimed guardianship over you and not to let Isshin know what happened. Because of doctor-patient confidentiality laws, he cannot break his word. He also would never tell your friends, and neither will I. I would never be so careless," Urahara answered, the hurt evident in his voice. "And as far as trust, you obviously don't have too much in me or you wouldn't jump to so many conclusions. I thought you said you know how I feel about you."

Ichigo looked away, shame once again sweeping over him like a monstrous tidal wave. Just how many ways are there for someone to hate themselves? "I – I just don't understand w – why... Why d – do you care so much to k – keep saving me? I – I don't deserve it, I don't e – even deserve to l – live... Why couldn't you just let me die?" He sobbed, turning his face into the pillow as tears streamed down his face, his entire body trembling.

Kisuke swallowed around the lump in his throat, his heart breaking into a million pieces for the young man. Slowly he got up from the chair and crawled onto Ichigo's hospital bed, careful of all the wires and tubes connected to him, stretching out beside him as he pulled him into his arms. "Because..." he whispered into Ichigo's ear, stroking Ichigo's hair with rough, warm fingers. "A world without you in it would be no place for me, either, and I would likely die right along with you. Don't you understand? I'm a man who once lost everything, too, when I was stripped of my taichou status and banished from the Siereitei. For years I thought I had no reason to go on because everything that mattered to me was taken away, just as your powers were ripped away from you. And like you, I thought I was alone even though Yoruichi, Tessai and the kids were with me. Then one day, a stubborn, foul-mouthed, strong-willed orange-haired kid walked into my life, and everything changed," Kisuke smiled tenderly, running his fingers lightly over Ichigo's jaw and soft cheeks. "So, do you understand now? Everyone needs a reason to live, to keep fighting even when things are hard, and you're mine. Please, let me be yours in return. Aishiteru yo, watashi no koi."

Ichigo sniffled, looking up at the older man through blurry, tear-filled eyes. "I – I'm sorry, Kis, I'm s – so fucking sorry. Aishiteru yo... I..."

Kisuke silenced Ichigo by claiming his lips, this one deeper, hungrier and longer than the first they shared in his car. He clutched the teen against his chest, running his hands over his body through the fabric of the hospital gown, settling on his hips and rubbing gentle circles. Ichigo whimpered needily into his mouth, trying in vain to press himself closer to the blonde man and making a sound of frustration at the bonds that held him in place. He wanted to touch and explore the older man's body until nothing was left undiscovered to him, to _feel _him in every way possible, but knew that would have to wait. Instead he eagerly accepted Kisuke's tongue as it teased his bottom lip, asking entrance, then slid inside and explored the hot, slick cavern of his mouth. The shopkeeper reached a hand up to stroke the silky strands of bright orange as he savored the sweetness and warmth of Ichigo's lips against his, nibbling at tender flesh as his tongue wrapped around Ichigo's, sucking it gently. When they finally broke apart, both were breathless and flushed, their hearts racing in unison. Kisuke softly kissed away the tears on the boy's cheeks, then settled down with him still in his arms. Ichigo nuzzled into his warm chest, his eyes slowly blinking and drifting closed.

He was nearly asleep when the man's voice rumbled softly against his ear. "What happened?"

"I was trying to apologize to Karin for everything with me and dad, and for just up and leaving her like that. But it turns out she's angry with me for a lot more than just what's been going on recently," Ichigo bit his lip, his eyes burning at the memory of his sister's words.

"What do you mean? What else would she have to be angry with you about?" Kisuke frowned.

"Think about it, Kis, I've lied to her about nearly everything for the last couple of years; Soul Society, my shinigami powers, being able to see spirits when I was young like she can now. There's a whole list of things I've kept her in the dark about, including the way mom died. My question is what _doesn't _she have a right to be mad at me about?" He sighed wearily, his next words coming out in barely a whisper, so quiet Kisuke wasn't sure he even heard Ichigo correctly, "Sh – She ran away from me, and when I tried to go after her she yelled at me, '_I hope the next time you cut yourself, you just die.' _And... It all hurt so bad, hearing what a shitty brother I am and how much I've hurt her, I guess I hoped so, too."

"Oh, Ichi," Kisuke murmured sympathetically as he gently rubbed the back of Ichigo's neck. "Gomen nasai, this is my fault for dragging you into this mess. If I hadn't put the hogyoku in Rukia's gigai, none of it would have happened. But, would you like _me_ to go and talk to Karin?"

"I don't know if that's the best idea. As much as she hates me right now, I don't think she's too fond of you either. Gomen for saying that, but..."

"Iie, you're probably right, and I can't say I blame her much on that end," Kisuke sighed, running a hand down his face. "Well then, I'll just bring her to you so you can work it out yourselves. And I'll be here this time so she won't say anything like that again, I'll just step in if things get too heated."

Ichigo smiled, leaning up for another kiss. "Arigatou, I think that's a good idea."

"Good," Kisuke smiled back, returning the kiss as he rubbed Ichigo's side. "Now get some rest and later on you can have something to eat. I'll have Tessai bring us something by so you won't have to gag down the hospital junk."

Ichigo laughed softly, the sound warming Kisuke from the inside out. He kept Ichigo in his arms until the boy drifted to sleep, then got up to make a phone call back to the shoten to let them know he wouldn't be home tonight. As he stood in the hallway talking softly on his cell phone, he didn't see the pair of dark, venomous eyes peering at him from around the corner.

"You thought he was so much better off with you, now look where he is," Isshin growled under his breath, turning around and stalking back to the elevator before Kisuke could spot him. "You haven't seen the last of me, Kisuke. I'll get my son back before _you _wind up killing him!" He stepped into the elevator, glaring at the blonde man one last time before the doors closed.

Meanwhile the shopkeeper hung up and quietly went back to Ichigo's room, curling up in bed with him again. Tomorrow he'd be having a _very _long, stern talk with one little girl.

_I'll do anything to make this right for you again, watashi no koi_, Kisuke vowed silently to himself as he fell asleep, his face nuzzled into Ichigo's soft hair.

* * *

><p><strong>Love Always,<strong>

**Hotaru Nakama**


	9. Gomenasai

**A/N: **Eek, this chapter turned out long! Sorry about that, but there was a lot to cover, plus I wanted to make up for taking longer to update than before.

**Question time: **Would you all prefer longer chapters that are slightly more spaced out like this, or shorter chapters like I did before and quicker updates? I'm just wondering, because I'm used to writing longer chapters, but I don't want to keep you all waiting so long. So, I'll let you decide and tell me which you'd rather have.

Thanks so much again for all the great responses, I love you guys!

**Song: **Tatu - Gomenasai

* * *

><p><strong>What I thought was a dream, a mirage<strong>

**Was as real as it seemed, a privilege**

**When I wanted to tell you, I made a mistake**

**I walked away...**

**Gomen nasai 'til the end**

**I never needed a friend**

**Like I do now**

"Knock it off," Ichigo scowled at the shopkeeper who was currently feeding him lunch and pretending to play airplane with the rice on his chopsticks. He tightened his lips, actually trying not to laugh. "Or I'll have you kicked out."

Kisuke pouted teasingly. "Hey now, is that any way to speak to your love who has been here taking care of you for the past two days?"

"When he's acting like a baka-ka, yes," Ichigo grumbled around the bite of food Kisuke finally gave him. He swallowed and licked his lips, sighing as he met the blonde man's smoky eyes, "I do appreciate it, though. Not just this, but everything you've done for me. You know you really don't have to stay if..."

"Urusai," the older man said affectionately, kissing the teen's words away. "I was only kidding, of course I want to stay with you. Besides, Dr. Ishida might release you today anyway, so neither of us will have to be here much longer."

"Let's hope so," the seventeen year old replied, wiggling his arms as he looked down at the straps that still held them down. "Even if I can't go home, I wish they'd at least take off these restraints..."

"I think I can help you with that," a female voice said from the doorway.

Both men looked over and smiled at Ichigo's nurse. "Hey, Sukina-san," Ichigo said softly.

The petite woman with mousy brown hair and hazel eyes smiled back as she came into the room. "Hey there, how are you feeling today?" She grabbed the blood pressure cuff hanging beside the bed, strapping it around Ichigo's upper arm.

"Okay," the teen replied, unsure why he felt almost embarrassed. He winced as the cuff tightened uncomfortably on his arm. "Don't they ever let you leave? You've been here since yesterday afternoon."

"Getting sick of me already?" She giggled when Ichigo blushed deep pink. "I had to work a double-shift this weekend, but I get off in about two more hours. We'll probably be going home at the same time, actually," she gave him a sidelong glance, smiling.

The teen's brandy eyes lit up. "Really?"

She nodded. "I'm pretty sure, hai, unless Dr. Ishida changes his mind when he comes in to check on you. But, all the social workers and psychologists you've spoken to seem to believe you're stable enough to go home as long as someone is there to keep an eye on you," she added, shooting Kisuke a look.

Kisuke nodded. "You can definitely count on that."

Sukina smiled, taking Ichigo's temperature and checking his other vital signs before finally releasing his restraints. "Feel better now?"

Ichigo moved his arms experimentally, wincing at the pain the action elicited, but then smiled and nodded. "Much bettter, arigatou."

Kisuke smiled and stood up. "Now that you're a free man, I think I'll go run my little 'errand'. Sukina-san, will you keep Ichi-kun company while I'm gone? It won't be more than a few minutes."

"Y – You don't have to do that," Ichigo stammered at the young nurse, feeling the heat in his face travel all the way up to his ears. He didn't know why, it's not like he'd ever been attracted to a woman, but they still made him so damn nervous. There was just something odd about being in the presence of the opposite sex that made him unsure of how to act. "You probably have a lot more important stuff to do, other patients to see..."

"Oh, iie, until someone pages me I don't have anything of importance right this second. I'm all yours, Ichigo-san," the nurse said brightly, plunking herself down on the chair Kisuke just vacated.

"Oh, great..." the teen muttered, staring down at the floor as he balled the sheets in his fists.

Kisuke laughed, leaning over to kiss Ichigo as he ruffled his hair. "You two have fun now," he added in a whisper, "If I find out you put the moves on the nurse while I was gone, I'm gonna kill you myself."

"Fat chance," the teen grumbled, but caught sight of Sukina watching them and turned his face before his lips met Kisuke's so the shopkeeper got his cheek instead. "See you when you get back, don't be long."

Kisuke chuckled again, shaking his head before grabbing his keys and jacket and heading out of the room. He took the elevator down to the first floor and walked outside, breathing in the fresh air. It wasn't being in the hospital that he minded so much, especially since being there with Ichigo meant his young love was still alive, but a bit of claustrophobia was bound to set in after two days of sitting in the same room. At least there was a chance they'd be getting out of there today, he couldn't wait to get Ichigo back home. Letting his thoughts wander, he drove to Karin and Yuzu's school, waiting for the final bell to ring as he watched for the dark-haired girl to walk out, then went over to meet her.

"What are _you _doing here?" Karin snapped at the shopkeeper icily. If looks could kill, he would have been dead on the spot.

"You need to come with me, Karin," Urahara said calmly but firmly, pointing toward his car. "I need to take you somewhere."

"I'm not going anywhere with you. It's all your fault that my family is falling apart."

Kisuke crossed his arms over his chest. "Excuse me? I'm not the one who drove my aniki to nearly kill himself."

"N – Nani?" Karin stammered, her eyes widening. "Ichi-nii tried to...?"

"You have no idea how badly you hurt him with what you said. He was already barely hanging on the edge, and you gave him the final shove. Now, come with me, Ichigo's in the hospital and he wants to see you."

Karin shook her head furiously, backing away. "I – I can't go see him... He's going to hate me..."

"He doesn't hate you, on the contrary, he thinks _you _hate _him_. He just wants a chance to explain himself, and to say what he wanted to tell you that day before you fought. But, I'll only let you see him on the condition that you don't say anything else to upset him, and that you listen to what he has to say."

Karin stared at the ground, chewing her lip, then finally nodded. "Okay," she agreed quietly.

Kisuke nodded, leading her to his car and opening the passenger side door for her, then climbed in himself and drove them back to the hospital. When they got back to Ichigo's room, they found Ichigo curled onto his side in bed, dozing lightly.

"Ichi," Kisuke said softly to rouse him.

Sleepy brandy eyes slowly blinked open, focusing on the blonde man. "Mm, hey, you're back," he hummed, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.

"Hai, and I brought somebody with me," he peeked around the corner where Karin was hiding out in the hallway. "Come on, it's okay."

The young girl hesitated, then slowly walked into the room, freezing in the doorway at the sight of her brother sitting in bed, hooked up to machines with bandages covering both arms. "Ichi-nii..." She breathed, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Hey, kiddo," he said gently, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked down at his arms, then back at her, "It's, uh, not really as bad as it looks. Really, I'm fine now. But look, I'm really sorry for everything, I..."

"Baka!" she exclaimed, cutting him off as she stumbled forward and fell against him. "Don't apologize to me when you're like this, it's _my _fault! Gomen nasai, Ichi-nii, I didn't mean what I said. When I said I hoped you died, _I didn't mean it_!" She wrapped her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder.

Ichigo gasped softly, at first not moving or knowing what to do. Emotion was common with Yuzu, but he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Karin cry in front of him. It just wasn't like the normally tough, stoic twin. But still, the sounds of her broken sobs made his older brother instincts kick in to high gear and he cradled her against his chest, rubbing her back in soothing circles.

"It's okay, imouto, I know. I know you didn't," he reassured her in a quiet tone, rocking her in his arms. "You don't have anything to apologize to me for, I understand why you're angry with me, and I'm the one who's sorry. He sighed, bringing her to rest on his lap, her head still cradled on his shoulder. "When okaa-san died, I just felt so guilty that I blamed myself. I guess I still do, and maybe tou-san also blames me, even though he's never come right out and said it. Neither of us wanted you or Yuzu to ever find out, so we made up the story that she drowned chasing me into the river that day. As you got older, I didn't know how to tell you that I could see spirits, even though I suspected you could, too. I didn't want to face it, because I don't want you to go through what I went through, and it was the same when all this stuff happened with the shinigamis. Tou-san and I were just trying to protect you and Yuzu from it all, we didn't want you to get involved where you could be in danger."

Karin's cries slowly tapered off until she was just lying in her brother's lap quietly, letting him comfort her as she held onto him. "I – I know you were trying to protect us, I just wish I would h – have known sooner. A – All this time I've felt like a freak, like I was the only one who could see them. S – So, those guys that were around before, they weren't human, were they?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Iie, they're shinigamis in the 13 court guard squads," he hesitated a moment, then asked quietly, "Have you seen any of them lately?"

Karin gnawed at her bottom lip, then slowly nodded. "I wasn't supposed to tell you. That weird, red-haired guy with the tattoos has come and gone a few times. And that white-haired boy, Toshiro, is he one of them, too? He comes every now and then."

"He's the 10th division taichou," he confirmed, resting his cheek on top of her head.

"That must be why he got so mad when I called him a little kid," Karin nodded, snuggling closer to her brother.

Ichigo chuckled softly into her hair. "Yeah, he gets a little sensitive when people talk about how small he is. Gomen, I know you kinda liked him."

"Did not!" Karin said defensively, scowling at Ichigo when he laughed again, this time along with Kisuke, then she sighed deeply and shrugged. "At least we can still be friends, I hope."

Ichigo nodded. "Hai, once you get past the icy demeanor, he's actually a really nice guy. Say, did you talk to Renji at all when you saw him? Did he say why he was here?"

"He just wanted to look in on you, he said, to make sure you were doing okay."

Ichigo caught Kisuke's eyes and shared a smile with him, then settled back with Karin. "Arigatou for coming, Karin, it makes me feel a lot better having talked with you."

Karin smiled back at him. "Me, too," she answered.

The three continued talking until Karin's phone rang with a call from Isshin telling her to come home for dinner. Ichigo cringed at the angry tone he heard come over the line, hating that he had to send his sister back home to Isshin. She got up after they hung up, hugging Ichigo and surprising Kisuke with a hug as well.

"Come and see us at the shoten sometime, Karin," Kisuke told her. "We'd love to see you."

She nodded enthusiastically. "I'll stop by as soon as I can, maybe Yuzu will come with me."

Ichigo and Kisuke smiled and nodded. "Sorry we can't give you a ride home, imouto, but I think tou-san might kill us on sight if we go near the house," Ichigo said.

Karin sighed. "I don't know why he's acting this way, but I'll try and talk some sense into him if I can. Yuzu and I want you to come home. No offense, Urahara-san," she added.

"None taken," Kisuke said softly, "I know Ichi misses being with you guys all the time as well."

She nodded a bit sadly, giving Ichigo one last hug and exchanging 'I love you's with him, then finally left. Shortly after she was gone, Dr. Ishida came in with a few papers in hand.

"Konnichiha, Ichigo-san," the snowy-haired doctor said, sitting down in a chair across from the teen. "I have your discharge papers here, but we have some things to discuss first."

Ichigo nodded, settling against Kisuke who had just sat beside him in bed. "Hai, I know."

"First and foremost, I have an agreement here that says you promise not to hurt yourself again, but if you do, I have the right to admit you into the psychiatric ward for evaluation and possible extended treatment here in the hospital. Normally, I would have done that when you came in this time, but after speaking with Kisuke I have decided to release you into his care to give you another chance."

"I won't be trying anything like this again, I promise," he agreed. "Once was enough for me to learn my lesson."

Ryuken nodded, handing Ichigo the document to sign his name to before he continued, "Secondly, I would strongly recommend that you get into some kind of follow-up counseling, whether it be group therapy or a one-on-one session with a psychologist. Here is a list of mental health professionals in the area, onegai, do yourself a favor and look one up. Counseling can be very beneficial as it's a safe space where everything you say is confidential. Just consider it," the doctor said, giving Ichigo a second paper with names and phone numbers.

Ichigo swallowed nervously as he skimmed the list, nodding. "I'll think about it."

"All right, then all you have to do is sign this last release form and you're free to go."

Ichigo signed his name to the other document and took the sheet of instructions for at-home care of his arms, making his follow-up appointment with Dr. Ishida to get his stitches out. Soon everything was all said and done, and Kisuke packed up the few things Yoruichi had brought to them in the car, then came back for Ichigo. The orange-haired teen smiled at him when he re-entered the room, pulling him in for a kiss.

"Let's get the hell out of this place, ne?"

Kisuke smiled, scooping the younger man up into his arms, planting another kiss on his lips. "Let's go."

* * *

><p>Ichigo rested against Kisuke in the hot springs, keeping his arms up on the rock behind him as the older man's hands slowly massaged soap into his skin. Overall it had been a good day; he finally settled things with Karin, he was finally out of the hospital, and Yoruichi, Tessai and the kids made him and Kisuke a 'welcome home' dinner with all their favorites, including chocolate cake just for Ichigo of which the teen devoured two pieces. His stomach ached dully now, but it was worth it.<p>

"So, what are you planning to do next year?" Kisuke asked, rinsing off Ichigo's body then continuing on with his hair.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Ichigo asked, realizing he was nearly asleep on his feet.

Kisuke smirked a bit. "Remember you told me you needed to work here to save up a car for next year when you go to college?"

"Oh, that..." Ichigo said sheepishly, chewing on his lip as he thought. "That, uh, was kinda just a cover-up lie because I wanted to be with you," he admitted shyly, that sweet blush tinting his cheeks again.

Kisuke chuckled, planting a soft kiss on Ichigo's bare, wet shoulder. "For some reason that doesn't surprise me. But while we're on the subject of confessions, I have one for you; I really didn't need anyone else to help me clean up the shop, Jinta and Ururu already do that stuff. It was just a ploy to get you to stay."

Ichigo smiled, humming in contentment at the feeling of Kisuke's hands working in his hair. "We're even then, I guess. Actually, I have been thinking a little on what I want to do after graduation. Tou-san always wanted me to go to medical school and eventually take over the clinic, but I doubt he still wants me to take over now. I've been thinking maybe..." he trailed off, looking down shyly, like he wasn't sure if he should say it.

"Nani? You can tell me," Kisuke encouraged, rinsing the shampoo from Ichigo's hair, then settling his arms around his waist.

"I was thinking maybe I could become a psychologist, help people who are dealing with the same things I am now. Just talking to you, knowing that you care and understand has been the most helpful thing for me. If I could, I'd like to be able to do that for someone else, particularly teenagers."

Kisuke smiled as he rubbed Ichigo's sides gently. "Ichi, that would be great. You'd be really good at it, too, having been through what you have, you could relate to them in a way no one else can."

"You think so?" Ichigo asked hopefully, looking over his shoulder into the scientist's cloudy gray eyes.

"Mm, hai, I do," Kisuke nodded, cupping his face and pulling him in for a slow, deep kiss.

Ichigo sighed happily, turning in Kisuke's arms to meet his lips and press closer to his warm, larger body. A soft moan escaped his lips as the shopkeeper nibbled on his bottom lip, sliding his tongue in and exploring the younger male's hot mouth. _Kami, I've never wanted anyone this way before, it's like I can't get enough of him, _Ichigo's mind spun deliriously as he tightened his arms around the blonde man, his fingers lightly exploring the defined muscles of his shoulders before trailing down the curve of his back, curling around his narrow hips.

Urahara pressed the teen back against the rock, kissing him deeply, hungrily as their tongues played and wrestled, curling around each other and sucking while he nipped gently at his soft, tender lips. He slid his hands down Ichigo's toned back, then trailed around to his stomach and traveled upward to his chest. Using his thumbs to rub and tease, he brought the orange-haired boy's caramel nubs to hardened, blushing peaks, tweaking and pinching them gently.

"Kis!" Ichigo broke away from the shopkeeper's lips, crying out as his head fell back against the rock as he arched his back. "Oh, Kami..."

"Like that, baby?" The blonde growled seductively, continuing his assault on Ichigo's nipples, ceasing the opportunity to move his lips down to the teen's elegantly long neck, biting into the soft flesh and sucking. His cock twitched and leaked fitfully at the sounds Ichigo was making and the way he offered himself up to Kisuke. _Kami, you're fucking amazing, Ichigo Kurosaki._

"Oh... _Oh, yes_!" He moaned helplessly, almost sounding like he was about to cry. Kisuke had barely touched him and he already felt ready to explode. "I – I'm... I'm so..."

Kisuke's smile was almost feral as he spread little kisses over Ichigo's throat, using his teeth and tongue here and there as he trailed downward. "I know, baby. So am I," he whispered, pressing his hips forward against the teen's, letting his wet, swollen erection touch Ichigo's own hardened heat, then began slowly undulating against him. "Feel me?"

A gasping, sobbing moan was all he got in response as Ichigo started grinding back against him desperately, whining and grunting as they moved against each other. "F – Fuck! K – Kisuke... I can't breathe!"

Kisuke chuckled softly, dipping his head down to suck a nipple into his mouth, nipping and licking around the hardened nub. "It's okay, just let go," he murmured softly, still rubbing their cocks together. He slowly reached down, wrapping his fingers around both their shafts and began pumping them in unison. At the same time he bit down on Ichigo's nipple harder, sucking on the mound of skin.

_Shit! Oh Kami, too much, I can't, I'm gonna... Fuck! _It only took about three firm, expert strokes of Kisuke's hand before Ichigo threw his head back and yelled out his release, his cock twitching and throbbing as string after string of milky, hot fluid exploded from him, seeming to never end. The pleasure was so intense it was nearly painful, and left Ichigo a sobbing, panting, trembling mess in Kisuke's arms. He finally sagged against the older man, vaguely aware of Kisuke gasping out his orgasm, his seed bursting out and splattering against Ichigo's lower stomach and thighs. Kisuke pressed closer to him, burying his face in Ichigo's soft, orange locks as he tried to compose himself. Ichigo clung to him, still quivering and weak as a kitten.

"Are you okay, watashi no koi?" He finally murmured, raking his fingers through Ichigo's hair as he planted a kiss on his temple.

"Y – Yes," Ichigo managed through his gasping breaths, nuzzling against Kisuke's shoulder.

Kisuke smiled. "You're so amazing, Ichi."

"M'not," the teen muttered, peeking up at the shopkeeper from where he was nestled against him. "But you are. Aishiteru yo, Kisuke."

Kisuke smiled, claiming Ichigo's lips in another, softer kiss. "Aishiteru yo, baby."

The two slowly calmed down, washing each other and relaxing before they washed off one final time, then got out and dried off, dressing in sleeping clothes and going upstairs. After saying goodnight to the others they went to Kisuke's room, snuggling close together under the covers. Ichigo leaned up to kiss the shopkeeper, letting his hands wander under his shirt and slide across the skin of his back. Kisuke groaned into his mouth, running his fingers along the waistband of Ichigo's boxers.

"Have I created a little monster?" He teased affectionately, trailing kisses over the bit of collarbone peeking out through the top of Ichigo's beater.

Ichigo blushed. "I just... I've never done anything like this before. You're the only person I've ever been with in... this way. The only time I've ever gotten off is when I've touched myself, but it's so different with you. Now that I've come to terms with who I am, I guess I'm just curious. Are you... You know... Ready again? Because if you don't want to..."

"Oh, trust me, it has nothing to do with my spirit not being willing. But at my age, sometimes the body needs a bit longer to recover. However..." He grinned devilishly as he pushed down Ichigo's boxers, crawling down his body. "That doesn't mean I can't help you out."

Ichigo smiled, his fingers drifting into Kisuke's blonde, wispy locks as the shopkeeper settled himself between Ichigo's legs, brushing kisses across his stomach and sucking on the hollow of a hip. Ichigo moaned, feeling himself growing hard almost instantly, carding his fingers through Kisuke's hair. The shopkeeper continued to tease him by trailing kisses down his thighs, licking and sucking at the sensitive skin on the inside, smiling at the way the teen arched and moaned with his ministrations.

"Kis, onegai..."

Kisuke gazed up at the boy with smoldering dark eyes, inching his face closer to the source of Ichigo's frustration and sending a puff of cool air on the heated, swollen head of his cock. The boy above him shivered, releasing a soft whimper as his hands tightened in his hair. Kisuke nudged forward, wrapping his lips around the head and suckling gently, pushing his tongue into the slit as he lightly held Ichigo's hips down on the bed so he couldn't buck. The teen panted out a soft curse, grunting and moaning at the delicious feeling of that hot, wet mouth engulfing him slowly. Kisuke kept his eyes on the boy, moaning softly around him to create vibrations as he began to move up and down, alternating between deep sucking and licking around the teen's thickened shaft, reaching one hand down to play with the soft sac beneath.

"F – Fuck! Kis, Oh Kami, that feels so fucking good!" Ichigo cried, squirming restlessly as he struggled not to push himself deeper into that skillful, tight mouth, cradling the back of Kisuke's neck as the man's head moved up and down. Ichigo stared at him in wonder, marveling at the beauty of watching his lover suck him, his pale, thin mouth stretched around his length.

Kisuke began sucking harder and moving faster on Ichigo's cock, bringing him to the very brink of pleasure, then deep-throated him and hummed long and deep. The boy's hands released his neck and dug into the sheets instead as he sobbed out his second release, mewling and whining as Kisuke's throat constricted around him as he swallowed. When Ichigo was finished, Kisuke slowly released his now limp member and licked his lips, spreading more soft kisses over his flat belly.

"Feel better now?" Kisuke murmured.

He received a soft snore in response. He looked up, trying to resist the urge to burst out laughing and wake Ichigo up. _Poor kid, I knocked him out, _he scoffed affectionately, pulling Ichigo's boxers up again before curling himself around Ichigo, pulling him close against his chest. He was asleep himself within moments.


	10. The Reason

**A/N: **Hey everyone! So, I decided from now on to make the chapters a bit longer so you can get more of the story at once and I can move things along a bit more quickly. In this chapter I decided to explore some of Kisuke's past, and start to set things up for Ichigo's return of powers. It won't be the same as the way they were returned in canon, but I think I've come up with a plausible idea. Thank you for all the reviews, including all my unsigned readers. And **Subaru** - Don't apologize, I totally didn't think you meant anything negative! The only reason I asked is to clarify what you meant, and I'm grateful for the advice. I'm glad you don't think I over-use it, and I somewhat agree with you, and tend to go back and forth on how I feel about using Japanese words in an English story. I suppose it feels justified because Bleach is clearly a Japanese manga/anime, but I do see what you mean. There are other stories where I haven't used any Japanese, and others like these where I use a few, so I guess I'm just experimenting. I really do appreciate your feedback, and don't think you meant anything negative! Thanks so much for the comments. :)

Anyway, since you've been so patient, on with the story!

**Song: **Hoobastank - "The Reason"

* * *

><p><strong>I've found a reason for me<strong>

**To change who I used to be**

**A reason to start over new**

**And the reason is you**

Kisuke woke up the next morning to warm sunlight trickling in through his bedroom window curtains, smiling down at the young man who was curled tightly against his side, quietly snoring into his shoulder. He gently cupped the back of Ichigo's head, lightly playing with his tangerine locks, planting a kiss on his temple and nuzzling his nose against one soft, flushed cheek. Ichigo almost purred in his sleep, his arm coming to rest around Kisuke's waist as he nuzzled deeper into the shopkeeper's neck.

"Mm... Kis..." Ichigo mumbled dreamily, clearly still fast asleep.

"Snoring _and _sleep-talking?" Urahara mused to himself, smirking. "You're too damn cute for your own good, Ichi-kun." He brushed a lock of hair out of Ichigo's eyes, then unable to stop the urge to touch his lover, pressed his lips to the corner of the teen's mouth before claiming his lips fully.

A soft moan escaped Ichigo's lips as he started to come awake, tightening his arms around the blonde man while returning his kisses. He settled on his back, allowing Kisuke to bring himself to lay on top of him, grasping for the bottom of his night shirt to pull it off when suddenly, the shoji door pushed open.

"Ohayo, boss, I was just..." Tessai began, then stopped short when he saw the position Ichigo and Kisuke were in, clearing his throat uncomfortably. "Gomen nasai, I – um – should have knocked first. Just wanted to let you know that breakfast will be ready soon, I'll see you in the kitchen in a little while. Uh, ohayo, Ichigo-san."

"Ohayo, Tessai-san," Ichigo replied shyly, burying his face in Kisuke's shoulder to hide his embarrassment.

Kisuke rubbed his back gently, surprised that he was also blushing himself. "Arigatou, Tessai, we'll be out soon."

The large, dark-haired man coughed awkwardly, bowing to his boss and Ichigo before quickly shutting the door and rushing off down the hall.

"Oh, shit," Ichigo groaned, hiding in Kisuke's chest. "Kill me now, please."

Kisuke laughed, ruffling his hair. "Aw, don't worry, it was just Tessai. Besides if I killed you I wouldn't be able to do this..." He slid a hand down between their bodies, cupping Ichigo through his boxers and starting to rub him tantalizingly.

The teen shivered at the touch and bucked into Kisuke's teasing hand, lifting his head to kiss the former shinigami taichou deeply, coaxing the blonde's lips to open so he could push his tongue inside and explore the wet, hot cavern of his mouth. Suddenly he pulled Kisuke's hand off him, flipping them over so he was straddling him and pinning his arms over his head.

"Ichi-kun?" Kisuke gasped softly, pulling away to look into his lover's tea-colored eyes.

"Last night I fell asleep and didn't get a chance to give back the pleasure you gave me," Ichigo explained, slightly mortified at the nervous crack in his voice as he spoke. "I want... I want to do that for you, I want to make you feel as good as you made me feel. Will – Will you let me?"

Kisuke gazed up into Ichigo's eyes, running his hands lovingly up and down his sides. "Are you sure?"

The tangerine-haired youth took a shaky breath and nodded slowly, staring back into his older lover's cloudy sky eyes. "Hai, I am. I'm scared, and I can't promise I'll be any good at it, but I do want to try."

Kisuke smiled, leaning up to plant a soft kiss on his lips. "Then I'm all yours, baby."

Ichigo smiled down at him, pulling his shirt up and over his head, then tossed it aside before leaning down and attaching his lips to the shopkeeper's pale neck, nipping and kissing his way down to his chest. Kisuke sighed contentedly, relaxing into the mattress and tilting his head back to invite more of Ichigo's ministrations. He released a soft groan as Ichigo's astonishingly skillful mouth closed over a dusky nub, sucking it and tracing his tongue around the center, nipping softly at the hardening bud. Ichigo continued working at the nub, then slowly made his way over to the opposite side, giving the other the same, loving treatment.

_I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but it feels... right. _He eventually let go of Kisuke's nipple and traveled downward, kissing and sucking a line down to his belly button which he pushed his tongue into, tasting the skin and closing his lips to create deep suction. Egged on by the way Kisuke arched into his touches and the breathy sounds of pleasure he made with each action, the teen hooked his fingers under the waistband of Kisuke's boxers, sliding them off his hips. Taking a deep, steadying breath he kissed his way over his stomach, mimicking the path Kisuke made on his body the night before, nipping and kissing at a sharp hipbone. With every inch he made toward the hard, thickened heat that was the center of his desire, his body shook harder. The hands that gently held the older man in place trembled softly, the mouth pleasuring soft, alabaster skin became uncertain and hesitant. At last he made his way slowly back to the fine line of dirty blonde hair, following it down until he found himself staring directly at Kisuke's throbbing, heavily leaking erection. He froze, mesmerized by the sight, the reality of everything sinking in.

"Baby..." Kisuke whispered in a pleasure-strained, thick voice, carding his fingers through Ichigo's hair. "Are you all right?"

"Y – Yeah, I think so..." the teen responded quietly, then glanced up and saw the way Kisuke was looking at him questioningly, sighing as he rubbed his nose against the shopkeeper's soft, flat stomach. "You already know that you're my first, and I guess I'm just... scared. You've probably had dozens of lovers..."

Kisuke laughed softly, his fingers gently stroking over Ichigo's face. "Not as many as you might think, but a few, yes."

"Well, it's just that... Since I'm the one who's never done this before, I'm afraid that I'll disappoint you," he admitted, looking away in shame.

"Hey," Kisuke's expression turned serious as he gently lifted Ichigo's face to meet his eyes. "No matter what, you could _never _disappoint me. I think you're absolutely incredible, and that will never change. Just relax and let yourself go, baby, use your instincts. Now come on," he encouraged. "It's okay, touch me, please."

Swallowing thickly, Ichigo allowed Kisuke to guide his fingers to wrap around the older man's cock, letting his lover show him what to do. What little pride he still held on to died a little bit more at needing to be led so much, but remembered Kisuke telling him it was a natural thing to ask your partner what and how they liked something if it was the first time and tried to push the sting of shame away. Instead he focused on the speed and tightness Kisuke demonstrated he liked best, eventually pushing the shopkeepr's hand gently aside to do it himself, stroking his lover's thickened, long shaft and squeezing gently at the head, watching in wonder as beads of pearly white liquid bled from the slit. He watched it trickle down onto his fingers, glistening in the sunlight, and decided he _really _wanted to know what it tasted like. Acting before he had time to psyche himself out, he bent his head between the blonde's thighs and swiped his tongue over the swollen, leaking head, lapping up the pre-come.

Urahara gasped and let out a strangled whimper of pleasure, his hips bucking upward of their own accord before he forced himself to lie still, his head falling back onto the pillow. "O – Oh, Ichigo!" He cried softly, fisting his hands in the sheets beneath him.

Brandy eyes flicked upward, watching the blonde intently as he alternated between long, flat swipes of his tongue and little kisses. He wasn't sure what to do with his hands, so he rested them on Kisuke's thighs, spreading them wider apart. He slid up to the head again, poking his tongue into the slit and teasing out more liquid, finding that he actually enjoyed the taste; musky and masculine with a hint of something sweet he couldn't quite place, but it was deliciously, distinctively Kisuke. Tasting his lover for the first time, feeling the twitch and throb of his member with Ichigo's ministrations, and listening to the shopkeeper's erotic noises all combined and went straight to the teen's groin, who realized he was getting painfully hard just from what he was doing to his lover.

"Kami, Ichi, so good... So fucking good... That's it, now put me in your mouth. Suck me, _onegai_," Kisuke found himself on the verge of begging his young lover, but was far too turned on to care much. He always knew this kid was amazing, but _holy fuck_, he had no idea. For Ichigo's inexperience with intimacy, he'd already nearly pushed Kisuke to the edge and he'd barely even done anything. A man in his forties should have a bit more stamina, but he would dare anyone to have the tangerine-haired teen between their legs with his wicked mouth on them to see how long _they _could last.

Ichigo mewled softly, his thumbs rubbing circles in the hollows of the blonde man's hips as he obeyed the gentle command, wrapping his lips around Kisuke's length as he began suckling gently. The shopkeeper moaned, panting and trembling beneath Ichigo.

"Kami, yes... _Yes_, like that... Now, ah! T – Take me in deeper."

Taking a deep breath in through his nose, Ichigo sunk down slowly, concentrating on the feel of the hot, wet flesh in his mouth and tried to push away the instantaneous urge to gag on the considerable length. He closed his eyes, recalling what Kisuke had done to him the night before, slowly running his tongue along the engorged vein that ran the length of Kisuke's cock, increasing the suction. With every grunt, moan and whimper his lover made Ichigo ground his own aching length against the mattress, clutching Kisuke's waist in a vice-like grip, beginning to move his mouth up and down slowly.

A low groan escaped him when Kisuke sank his fingers back into his hair, tugging and pulling lightly, the vibrations the sound made causing the blonde man to cry out in ecstasy and nearly losing control right there. He managed to get himself under control, his steel-colored eyes drifting closed as he relaxed, moaning and panting with every bob of Ichigo's head. Feeling his lover close, Ichigo took a deep breath and descended on his cock, but did so imperfectly and choked, pulling away as he coughed and sputtered.

Kisuke's eyes flew open as he sat up, touching Ichigo's back as the orange-haired teen turned away from him. "I – Ichi," he panted softly, "Gomen, I should have warned you, it's more difficult to deep-throat when you've never done it before. I'm sorry, are you okay?"

"Y – You're apologizing t – to me?" Ichigo finally managed, looking back at his lover with sad brandy-colored eyes. _I'm the one who should be sorry, it must have been so difficult to stop when he was so close before. _"I – I'm..."

Kisuke smiled tenderly, pulling his young lover into his arms and kissing his lips gently. "Shh, it's okay," he whispered reassuringly, propping up some pillows against the headboard and settling into a seated, reclining position. He gently grasped Ichigo's face in his hands, carefully lowering him back onto his cock.

Ichigo slowly relaxed, suckling and licking at Kisuke's cock hungrily as the older man's hands guided him up and down. He reached down and grasped the base of the shopkeeper's length, stroking what he couldn't get into his mouth, also teasing the tightly drawn sac at the base. Because he was so close before, it only took a minute or two longer, staring into Ichigo's eyes, before Kisuke's body stiffened beneath him as a feverish groan passed his lips, tugging on Ichigo's hair lightly. Understanding the gesture for the warning it was, Ichigo never the less stayed where he was, catching the long strands of the shopkeeper's essence on his tongue and swallowing several times, moaning. When the rhythmic pulsating of his lover's cock finally stopped he allowed the now soft appendage to slip from his mouth, nuzzling his face into Kisuke's stomach as he panted raggedly.

"Mmm..." Kisuke hummed in satisfaction, his fingers still running through silky strands of bright mandarin. "That was so good, baby. Kami, come're..." But when gently pulled on Ichigo's shoulders, the boy resisted. "Ichigo?" Kisuke chuckled softly, "Did you pass out again?"

Ichigo shook his head, the ends of his hair tickling the skin of Kisuke's stomach. "I – Iie..." He squeaked out, keeping his face hidden from the shopkeeper's eyes.

"Nani? What is it?" Kisuke asked softly, getting a little concerned when the youth still refused to move or look at him.

Slowly, Ichigo lifted his head and looked up at Kisuke shyly, then without a word he looked down, guiding Kisuke's gaze to his flaccid cock and the wet spot beneath him. "I – I came," he mumbled weakly, his shoulders hunching in shame.

"You... _came_?" Kisuke slowly repeated, incredulous. "Just from...?"

"Just shut up, okay?" The teen snapped, humiliation and the warm humming of post-release warring in his body as he pushed himself up, looking away. "I – I'm sorry... But I couldn't help it..."

"Baby, get over here," Kisuke said, wrapping his arms around Ichigo.

"No," Ichigo protested, swatting the scientist's hands away, still too humiliated.

Kisuke growled softly. "_Yes_," he insisted, forcefully pulling his young lover against his chest and holding him firmly there, catching his chin to make the boy look him in the eyes. "You came just from sucking me off and giving me pleasure. That... Is the sexiest damned thing I've ever heard in my life," he rumbled in a low, sensuous voice that made Ichigo shiver all over, whimpering as Kisuke engaged him in a dominate, rough kiss.

Ichigo sighed, wrapping his arms around Kisuke's neck. "It may be hot to _you_, Kis, but for me it's absolutely fucking mortifying. Do you know how it feels to be with an older, experienced man, and you come all over yourself just from listening and feeling him when you suck him off, without even being touched? It's like, I'm some overzealous puppy who can't even control himself."

"Stop being so hard on yourself," The shopkeeper admonished gently, bringing Ichigo to rest so that his head was cradled in the crook of his neck. "You're new at this and everything that happens is perfectly normal until you get used to it. I have no expectations on you at all. For the record, I think you've been amazing so far, but things happen sometimes and you can't always stop it. No one is in total control of their body's responses one hundred percent of the time, but it gets easier with experience, which you will gain. Just give yourself some time. And to answer your question, in fact I _do _understand what it's like. My first lovers were much older than me as well."

"Really?" Ichigo looked up, a rusty eyebrow quirking. "Wait a minute, did you say _lovers_?"

Kisuke nodded, running his hands up and down Ichigo's back. "I used to be poly-amorous, until I realized those kinds of relationships just don't work for me, especially since I always ended up in the 'secondary relationship.'"

"Who were you with? Were they shinigami? Do I know them?" The teen rattled off the questions zipping through his mind.

"Aren't we just a curious little kitten today?" The shopkeeper teased, scratching the back of Ichigo's neck affectionately. "But, ah well, if you want to know I have no reason to keep secrets. Hai, it was Ukitake-taichou and Kyoraku-taichou."

Ichigo's eyes widened to saucers. "Juushiro and Shunsui? Those old farts?" He nearly shrieked.

Kisuke threw his head back and barked with laughter. "Hey, watch it, kiddo, you happen to be in bed with a so-called 'old fart'. But, remember they weren't so old back then, actually in shinigami terms our age difference was about the same as yours and mine."

"Wow..." Ichigo mused, drawing mindless little patterns across the shopkeeper's chest with a finger. "How did it come about? I mean, if you don't mind that I ask."

"No, like I said, I have nothing to hide. It really started between me and Kyoraku-taichou when I was first promoted to 12th division taichou. Leading a division wasn't exactly in my personality and I was having a hard time, especially with Hyori, getting my subordinates to listen and accept me as their taichou. Kyoraku-taichou allowed me to go to him for advice, then eventually, one thing led to another and I realized I had developed feelings for him. One night, alone in his office, I got up my courage and kissed him, and we ended up being intimate. After that, I learned he and Ukitake were actually together and I was devastated, I thought my time with Shun-sama was over. But, Juu-sama was very understanding and welcomed me into their relationship. They were very good to me and we stayed together for about three years."

Ichigo nodded, the shock of Kisuke's confession slowly melting away to understanding. "So, what happened?"

"A lot of things happened, baby. First of all, that's when all my trouble began in Soul Society, and while Juu-sama and Shun-sama were both supportive of me, it wasn't long before we all realized there was nothing left for me to do but to leave... But, that's not really what broke up the relationship, problems came up long before that. I was young, naive, and easily jealous, and even though I cared deeply for Juu-sama, part of me wanted Shun-sama all to myself. And, like I said before, theirs was the 'primary relationship', and I was a 'secondary' to both of them, which put limitations on me as far as where I could go in my relationships with either of them. No matter how open and accepting they were of me, I knew they were more in love with each other than either of them were with me, and to be honest, more than I was in love with them. It's just the way it was, but I couldn't accept things as they were, so I broke it off right before Yoruichi and I came here."

"Gomen, that must have really hurt," Ichigo said sympathetically, kissing the spot on Kisuke's neck where he was nestled.

Kisuke smiled and kissed his forehead. "Ah, it's okay. Hai, it was painful back then, but it was a long time ago. We've spoken a few times since then and everything is fine."

Ichigo nodded, but chewed his lip thoughtfully, finally asking, "Would you... still want more than one, um, partner, if you had the choice?"

Kisuke looked down into Ichigo's eyes, running his thumb across his cheek gently. "You're the only one I want now, Ichi-kun."

Ichigo grinned helplessly, crawling back up Kisuke's chest for more deep, slow kisses. The pair finally got up and went into the bathroom to wash up, then went out to the dining room for breakfast with the others before going back to the lab so Kisuke could run more tests on Ichigo.

* * *

><p>"All right, baby, now just try to relax," Kisuke instructed the orange-haired boy lying on his examination table, putting electrodes on his forehead, chest and stomach, hooking them up to a machine. "This shouldn't be too painful."<p>

"Yeah, right," Ichigo grumbled petulantly, "That's what you said about the last test." He shifted uncomfortably, trying to settle into a better position and relax with all the wires attached to him. It wasn't that he didn't trust Kisuke – he did with his entire life – but after weeks of these experiments, he was getting a bit tired of feeling like the scientist's own personal lab rat. The older man never put him through anything too strenuous, but still it could be terribly uncomfortable, not to mention the frustration of going through it and coming up empty-handed time after time. Just today alone they'd been there for three hours.

"Gomen," Kisuke answered, slipping his hand into the teen's, squeezing gently. "I promise it won't take long, though, and then we're done for the day."

"Okay," Ichigo sighed. "Gomen for complaining, let's do it."

Kisuke smiled bracingly. "That's my boy," he answered tenderly, then reached over and very slightly turned the dial on the machine, sending an electrical kido current into Ichigo's body.

A sharp yelp ripped from Ichigo's throat as his body jolted. "Ow! Hey, I thought you said..."

"Gomen, gomen," Kisuke apologized quickly, pushing a few more buttons on his device. "I turned it up too high. Let's try that one more time..." He said thoughtfully, very slightly turning the dial again.

This time Ichigo only twitched slightly, grunting as he felt the residual tingling in his body from the little shocks.

"Hmm," Kisuke rubbed the scruff on his chin, then scribbled down some notes in his chart.

"What's 'hmm'?" Ichigo questioned anxiously, trying to sit up to read over Kisuke's shoulder.

"Well, I found something very interesting. You see, the last time I did a deep body scan on you when you still had your powers, I mapped out where all your spirit centers were located. As you know, spirit centers are what stores and distributes your reiatsu in your body. The currents I sent into your body are meant to stimulate them, and while the response was weak, the point is, the centers did react. It goes to further support my theory that your powers are not really gone, they have just gone dormant or inactive."

"Then how do we re-activate them?" The teen asked, hating himself for getting his hopes up, but to get his powers back...

"I don't know yet, but I have some ideas we can work on. Come on, let's go get some lunch," the shopkeeper answered, removing the electrodes from Ichigo's body and helping him up.

Ichigo nodded, following Kisuke out as he clasped the older man's hand, feeling content and hopeful for the first time in a long time.


	11. Breathe No More

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay everyone, I have been super, super, crazy busy lately. I hope this chapter will make up for your long wait, though! Thank you again to everyone for reviewing, alerting and favoriting it. This story has come to mean so much to me, and I'm glad it resonates with people as well!

By the way, I know it may be unlikely that there are many Christmas tree farms in Japan as I believe they use fake trees, but for the sake of the chapter I used the Americanized version of buying a Christmas tree. :P But I just wanted to say that so I don't get lectures on how they celebrate Christmas in Japan, trust me, I've done my research on that!

**Warnings**: Assault, non-con sex, violence, very angsty.

**Song: **Evanescence - "Breathe No More"

* * *

><p><strong>And I bleed<strong>

**I bleed**

**And I breathe**

**I breathe**

**No more**

"Okay, kids, go find us a Christmas tree!" Kisuke said as they walked through the entrance of the tree farm a couple minutes outside of Karakura Town.

Ururu and Jinta grinned, bolting off as Kisuke and Ichigo hung back, walking together gloved hand in mitten-clad hand, Ichigo holding the hand saw in his opposite hand. The shopkeeper looked over when Ichigo let go of his hand, leaning against him and tucking his head under his chin instead, sighing softly as he stared at the blanket of fresh powder beneath their feet.

"Penny for your thoughts, Ichi-kun?" Kisuke asked, finding his easy-going, jovial tone more natural to come by now that Ichigo was doing better. He hadn't cut in nearly three months.

"Hmm?" Ichigo hummed, snapping out of his reverie. "Nani?"

Kisuke smiled, rubbing his side. "You looked pretty deep in thought, I was curious what it was about."

"Oh, I was just thinking about my family. When us kids were little, Christmas was always such a big deal in my house, mostly because of kaa-san. From the beginning of December until the first of January, she had every inch of the house decorated with lights and ornaments. Picking out the perfect tree was her favorite part, though, and when I got old enough she would let me choose the one I wanted. It kind of became our special thing, you know?" he rested his face lightly in Kisuke's neck, and the older man thought he felt wetness on the lashes that fluttered against his throat. "For some reason, this year is hitting me really hard and I find myself missing her even more, probably because of everything going on and the fact that I can't be at home with the girls. Not that I don't love being with you and the others, but..."

"Hey, I understand," Kisuke reassured him, rubbing his side gently as he placed a kiss on the younger man's temple. "This is your first holiday away from your family, and even though I know we consider each other family as well, it's only natural that you'd be more than a little sad. I'm just sorry for being part of the reason you're not with them."

Ichigo shook his head, squeezing the shopkeeper around his middle gently. "It's not your fault, problems between me and tou-san started long before I was ever with you. I don't know why, he just... hates me. But we've never really gotten along all that great, so that's okay, I just miss my sisters."

Kisuke nodded, returning the teen's gentle squeeze on his waist. He wished he could honestly tell Ichigo that his father didn't hate him, but that was certainly how it appeared. "I know, we'll have them over soon for a visit, though," he said, hating that was all he could do.

The orange-haired teen nodded, seeming to brighten a bit when Jinta ran back over, Ururu right behind him. "Hey, c'mon, slowpokes! We found the one!"

"Okay, brat," Ichigo smiled affectionately, hefting the saw against his shoulder. _I wish I was holding up Zangetsu_, he thought momentarily, then brushed it off as he followed the kids to the tree they'd chosen.

"This one, Ichi-san," Ururu said, pointing to a tall, thick fir.

The teen looked it up and down, laughing softly. "Uh, I don't know if that would fit in the shoten, guys..."

"Oh, come on, you jerk! This is the one we want, you can do it, just chop off a lot from the bottom!" The red-haired boy whined.

"Onegai, Ichi-san!" Ururu begged.

Ichigo raised his eyebrows, smirking at Kisuke who just shook his head and laughed. "If we don't, we'll never hear the end of it."

Ichigo chuckled and nodded. "All right, then," he stooped down and began sawing into the heavy, thick bark of the wide trunk. "Man, it feels good to hack into something again."

"Maybe you'd better let me do that, Mr. Saw-Happy," the blonde teased, stooping down beside the teen.

"Don't touch my saw," Ichigo joked back, continuing to work on cutting the tree down. It took several minutes, but finally he reached the end of the trunk, feeling it give way, "Timber!" He called as the large fir crashed to the ground, unable to help his grin when Ururu cheered and clapped happily. "There ya go, brat," he teased Jinta, who pretended to look unimpressed, as Kisuke helped him to his feet. "I cut it down, _you_ haul it back home."

"No way!" The boy protested, grabbing Ururu's hand. "Come on, 'Ru, let's go get some hot chocolate and cookies."

Ururu giggled, hurrying off with Jinta to the little tent where they were selling refreshments to the customers as the men watched them. Ichigo smirked, shaking his head.

"That kid," he mumbled as he and Kisuke picked up the tree.

Urahara laughed softly. "He sure is something, isn't he?"

"Yeah, _something_," Ichigo agreed with a wry smile. They made their way over to the station where people could tie up their Christmas tree and pay, then went to find the kids, having some hot chocolate and frosted sugar cookies with them. When they finished up, Ichigo helped Kisuke tie their tree on top of the car before they drove home.

Yoruichi and Tessai met them outside the shoten, the violet-haired woman wrangling the sugar high kids while the men got the tree set up, then all of them gathered to decorate it. Forty-five minutes later, Ichigo lifted Ururu onto his shoulders to let her put the light-up angel on the very top, then they settled in the front sitting area to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Ichigo was right, the tree looked slightly too big in the small room with low ceilings, but they managed to make it work. Ichigo curled up beside Kisuke, letting Ururu settle against him while Jinta sat on Tessai's lap. They all talked quietly until the kids fell asleep, then carried them to bed before retiring to their own rooms.

"I don't think I can sleep yet," Ichigo said coyly as he crawled over to Kisuke on the bed, pulling him for a sensuous kiss as they laid back together.

"Mm," Kisuke hummed, running his hands slowly down the teen's sides. "That's probably due to all the sugar cookies you ate at the tree farm tonight," he laughed, nibbling softly on the younger man's soft bottom lip.

"Yeah, probably," Ichigo chuckled, trailing his kisses over the soft, pale skin of the blonde's neck. "But it works to your advantage, don't you think?"

Kisuke sighed in contentment, offering up more of his throat for the boy to devour as his hands slid down further and grabbed the orange-haired teen's ass, grinding their cocks together and smiling devilishly at the lusty moan he received in response. "Definitely."

* * *

><p>Ichigo walked back into the bedroom from the bathroom, hair still wet from his shower, and scowled at the shopkeeper who still lounged in the big, comfy queen-sized bed.<p>

"I really hate you," he grumbled as he pulled a shirt over his head. "Why can't _you _go to school while I get to lay in bed and sleep later?"

"Aww, poor baby," the blonde crooned as he crawled over to give his lover a kiss. He released Ichigo's lips, then slowly feather-soft kisses and little nips down his neck. "Don't worry, tonight when you get home you can lie in bed with me all you want, although I'm not sure you'll get much in the way of sleep," his last words vibrated against the dip of skin between the boy's neck and shoulder.

Ichigo couldn't help the soft groan that escaped his lips as he tilted his head back, offering more of his skin to Kisuke. "You're just making it harder to leave."

"Gomen," the shopkeeper apologized, letting his young lover go. "I'll see you later."

Ichigo sighed quietly and nodded, pulling on a sweater, heavy jacket, mittens and wound a scarf around his neck before he left, trudging through the foot-deep snow to his high school, a scowl forming on his face when the building came into view. He didn't tell Kisuke, but the real reason he dreaded his return to school was because shortly before Christmas break a group of guys from his senior class had started following and taunting him, sometimes they attempted to engage him in physical altercations. He could still undoubtedly take care of himself, but he'd lost a considerable amount of strength since he hadn't been training, and sometimes they came at him with knives or clubs, often catching him off-guard and cornering him when he was alone. He didn't know how they discovered it, but they knew about him and Kisuke, often calling him 'faggot' and making fun of his relationship with the older man. His karate skills got him out of the confrontations most times, but they managed to get several hits on him when things did turn violent, and sometimes he found himself concealing the injuries he acquired from them. It would have taken a lot more for him to be scared, though he admitted – only to himself – they were making him a little nervous.

Thankfully he didn't see any of said guys milling about in the halls, so he grabbed his things from his locker and hurried off to homeroom, catching up to Keigo and Chad. They walked into the classroom together, chatting easily as they sat down and waited for their sensei to come in.

"How was your vacation in Hong Kong, Chad?" Ichigo asked casually, throwing a glance toward the door to make sure none of those guys were walking by or spying on him.

"It was fun," Chad answered simply.

"You're a man of many words, Chado," Keigo teased with a friendly laugh. Ichigo laughed with him when Chad merely shrugged with a little smile. "Well, I didn't spend Christmas in China but it was still awesome!" He exclaimed, launching into one of his long stories about some girl he'd chased after and 'conquered', as he put it. Ichigo had no doubt Keigo probably made up the whole thing, but he and Chad let him tell it anyway, Ichigo glad the question about what he'd been doing hadn't come up. There was no shame for him in his relationship with Kisuke, but he still wasn't exactly sure how to come out to his friends, much less tell them he was now heavily involved with the much older shopkeeper who was once his mentor. He'd tell them eventually, when they really needed to know...

Hours later the final bell rang and Ichigo made his way back to his locker through the throngs of students eager to get out of school and go out in the snow. He'd managed to make it through the entire day without incidence from his bullies, although he saw one, the guy he'd figured out was the leader of the group, watching him in the cafeteria. Ichigo stared him down fearlessly until the guy retreated, a menacing smirk on his face. He threw on his coat and slung his backpack over his shoulder, excited to get home to Kisuke who said he would analyze some of the results from earlier tests he ran, heading out the backdoor to take the shortcut back to the shoten. Two blocks away from the school, what sounded like a branch snapped behind him, and upon turning around he found himself face-to-face with the gang.

"Hey, Kurosaki fag," The leader, whose name Ichigo had earlier discovered was Manabu, sneered.

"What the fuck do you guys want?" Ichigo growled back, his hands balling into fists at his sides, watching as they swarmed around him, creating a barrier preventing him from getting out.

"Where's your boyfriend, faggot?" Another boy, Daichi, chuckled darkly. "Looks like Romeo isn't around to save you, princess."

"Shut the hell up!" Ichigo yelled, letting his backpack drop to the ground. "Back off, or you're going to regret screwing with me."

The gang laughed uproariously, glancing at each other as they closed in on Ichigo. "Ooh! The little princess has a foul mouth," Manabu exclaimed in a wickedly gleeful tone. "What do you guys say we shut his pretty face up?"

It was then Ichigo realized they all had baseball bats swinging at their sides, raising them as they descended upon him. He moved to block and dodge the attack, something he would have easily been able to do when he trained regularly, but months of not working out plus all of his heavy close slowed him down now. Pain seemed to explode in his body everywhere at once; Daichi's bat connecting to the back of his knee, Manabu's landing with a sickening crack to his elbow, another on his left shoulder and one to his ribcage. He gritted his teeth as he dropped to his knees, biting back his cry of agony, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of seeing his pain. He rolled away, narrowly missing Daichi's foot to his side, his bones cracking sickeningly in all the places their weapons impacted. Managing to pull Manabu off his feet, punching the other youth as hard as he could across the jaw before attempting to crawl away.

"Get him!" Manabu howled, scrambling to get up as the others surged forward, grabbing Ichigo and pinning him down.

Everything seemed to happen in a blur after that as their attacks came in a violent flurry of activity, cold metal slamming into his face, breaking his nose as blood flooded down his face. A hit upside the head, stars dancing in front of his eyes as his vision went gray. Another to the opposite leg, followed by more blows that broke his ribs one by one, the bone snapping like twigs.

_**Get up, Ichigo, you must get up! Fight! Fight to live, Ichigo! **_A disembodied, familiar voice bellowed desperately in his mind.

_Z – Zangetsu...? _His own inner voice called back.

_**C'mon, King, yer better than this! Kick their asses, King!**_

_Oh Kami, Shirosaki! _Encouraged by hearing the spirits' voices for the first time since the war and still pumping with adrenaline, Ichigo tried to move again, but found himself restrained by the boys around him. _I – I can't, oh Kami, I can't move. Gomen nasai... I've failed, I'm too weak... Can't fight back anymore..._

_**Iie! Ichigo!**_

_**King!**_

"Say sainara, faggot," Manabu growled as Ichigo stared dazedly up into his demonic, rage-contorted face before he swung again, smashing Ichigo right in the face.

A sob ripped from Ichigo's broken body with the final blow, his mind spinning away into blackness and an incredible feeling of lightness passing over his body. He was mercifully unconscious as the other boy yanked down his pants, exposing his bruised, cut, bloody flesh to the freezing winter air as he desecrated Ichigo's body before leaving him in the snow, covered in sticky crimson and milky semen, to die.

* * *

><p>Kisuke glanced up at the clock for the millionth time, then cast his smoky gaze outside the window as he paced back and forth across the shoten. The streetlights came on over an hour ago, which meant Ichigo should have been home long before that. He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair as he went over to check his phone again. Surely if something came up Ichigo would have called to tell him, but there were no messages. Growling in frustration, he threw his phone back onto the table, looking over when Yoruichi slunk into the room in black cat form.<p>

"Kisuke," the cat said in its deep voice. "Something isn't right, it's not like Ichigo not to come home or call to let us know where he is. We need to go and find him, Tessai said he'll stay with the kids and I'll come with you."

The shopkeeper nodded, going to the closet to retrieve his jacket and gloves. "Hai, I'll go toward the school while you look around near his house. He may have gone to see Karin and Yuzu and gotten into a fight with Isshin, but you're less likely to be spotted in cat form."

"Hai," she agreed, racing out when he opened the door for her.

After pulling on his heavy snow boots he walked outside and began trudging up the block toward Karakura High School. The light snowfall that began half an hour earlier was now a full-on blizzard, the heavy flakes obscuring his vision as they swirled around him in the windy night. He shivered and wrapped his arms around his middle, burying his quickly freezing nose in the high collar of his coat as his slate gray eyes scanned back and forth, looking for his lover in the mostly deserted streets.

"Ichi-kun? Baby?" He called out against the howling winds, shoving the strands of hair that blew into his face away from his eyes. "Ichigo, come on, where are you? You need to come home now! Ichigo!"

He continued walking north, finally seeing the faint, dusky outline of Karakura High in the far distance. Though he didn't understand why, a sense of dread washed over him and gripped his heart with fear, prompting him to speed up his pace as he fought against the snow that threatened to slow him down, now calf-deep and getting higher. Suddenly, he saw the silhouette of someone standing under a streetlight next to a crumpled form in the snow, a car parked by the sidewalk. Kisuke broke into a dead run, panic seizing over him as he got closer and realized it was Isshin's car, and his now former friend was the one standing under the yellowish beam of the light. But the mangled, shredded form lying face-down in the snow couldn't possibly be Ichigo. The shaggy, matted rust-colored hair had to belong to someone else, the broken, twisted body couldn't belong to his strong, courageous, tough-willed lover. It couldn't be...

"Isshin, for fuck's sake! Is... Is that Ichigo? What the fuck happened? Ichi!" The shopkeeper screamed frantically as he bolted forward to get to the unconscious body he admitted with sickening horror must be his love. Isshin stepped in front of him, pushing him away.

"Don't touch him," He said in an oddly distant, emotionless tone, his gaze turning back to his fallen son. "It wasn't supposed to be this way, they weren't supposed to hurt him. I told them not to hurt him," he rambled nonsensically, staring at Ichigo with haunted, strangely cold dark eyes.

"What?" Kisuke hollered back, the wind rising around them to a scream that distorted his hearing. He was sure he didn't hear Isshin right. "What the fuck are you saying, Isshin? Did you do this? Did you set Ichigo up to be hurt? Are you telling me this is _your _fault?"

"If you hadn't interfered with us, none of this would have happened to him," Isshin answered disconnectedly, like he wasn't even aware of Kisuke's questions. He knelt down by Ichigo's motionless form, touching his fingers lightly against the pulse-point of his neck. "But they weren't supposed to hurt him, I just said to make him regret his choice to be with you, to show him the error of his ways so he'd come home where he belongs."

"You've fucking lost your goddamned mind!" Kisuke bellowed, hatred and rage slowly replacing his shock. "If you didn't mean for this to happen, then why the hell are you just fucking standing there while he's dying? Get out of my way, he needs help!" He shakily pulled out his cell phone and began to call 911 while trying once again to get around Isshin to Ichigo.

"I did call, the ambulance is already on the way," Isshin responded, finally answering something directly though his voice still held that odd monotone. "He still has a pulse, there's nothing else to do until they get here. You should just get out of here, Kisuke, go home and leave him to me. Look what's already happened because of you, don't let him suffer anymore on your account. Do him a favor and stay away from him."

"And leave him to you? No chance in hell! You've fucking lost it, Isshin, you need help. There's no way I'm walking away and letting you have him. _You're _the reason this happened, and when the paramedics get here I'm going to tell them..."

"Tell them what, Kisuke?" Isshin asked coldly, his eyes narrowing in disdain. "That you've been molesting a seventeen year old kid and poisoning his mind against his own father? And what do you think they'll say to you? Who are they really going to believe, a doctor and father of three whose had his son ripped away from him, or the pedophile who's held him in his house and raped him repeatedly?"

"Pedophile? Raped?" Kisuke yelled, incredulous. As if on cue, approaching sirens blared in the distance.

"Better go while you can, Kisuke. Ichigo will be fine once you're out of his life. All you have to do now is just turn around and walk away."

Kisuke shook his head, tears welling in his cloudy-sky eyes as he stared at the man in front of him, unable to recognize him as the close friend and comrade he once knew. He gazed back down at Ichigo as small, hot tears fell onto his frozen cheeks. _Ichigo, watashi no koi..._

The ambulance sped up the street and lurched to a stop when Isshin flagged them down, several EMTs leaping out and rushing over to the unconscious, unmoving teen boy.

"What happened?" One of them barked, looking from Isshin to Kisuke and back.

"My son was attacked, I just drove up now and found him this way," Isshin lied, making Kisuke's blood boil although the blonde stayed silent, glaring at his lover's father. "Onegai, you have to help him."

"We're doing all that we can, Dr. Kurosaki," the femal EMT reassured him, then turned a suspicious eye on Kisuke while her colleague radioed for help.

"My name is Kisuke Urahara, I'm..." He started, then caught sight of the warning glare Isshin sent him. "Just a family friend. Dr. Kurosaki and I got here at the same time and found him," he finished, his eyes downcast in shame for aiding Isshin in his lies. _But if you ever have any hope of getting him back, no one can know the nature of your relationship with Ichigo, _Benihime's voice comforted in his mind. _You are doing what you must to protect him in the only way you can right now._

She looked at Isshin as if looking for confirmation that it was true, and the doctor nodded before looking back at Ichigo. "Is my son going to be all right?"

One of the EMTs working on him nodded as they quickly loaded Ichigo into the ambulance. "I believe so, but we need to get him to the hospital as quickly as possible. Would you like to ride with us, doctor? I'm sure the police would meet us there so they could ask you questions at the hospital, so you can stay with him."

"Yes, arigatou," Isshin agreed, glancing at the shopkeeper one more time before he climbed into the vehicle next to Ichigo's gurney, taking Ichigo's hand.

The emergency medical team jumped into the ambulance with him, continuing to work on stabilizing Ichigo as they put an oxygen mask on him, an IV in his arm, and wrapped heated blankets around him. The female worker looked back at Kisuke.

"The police may also want to ask you some questions, will you give me your address so they can visit you?"

Kisuke gave them the address of his shop, watching as they drove away in the direction of the hospital, feeling as if someone had just taken a jackhammer and shattered the glass ball of his life. He stood there like a frozen statue in the snow, not even feeling the icy wind as it whipped around him and chilled his body.

_Ichigo, baby, I'm so sorry..._

He dropped to his knees, the snow soaking through his pants and freezing his legs as he sobbed into his hands, his loud, choking, body-wracking cries lost in the screeching winter night air.


	12. Without You

**Can't erase, so I'll take blame**

**But I can't accept that we're estranged**

**Without you**

**Without you**

_Sleepy brandy-colored eyes slowly fluttered open, a deep confusion settling over him as he took in the scenery around him. None of it made sense, not the cloudless azure sky or the bright, warm sun, the birds chirping merrily in the trees or the sound of rushing water in his ears. Nothing hurt, but his body felt heavy and sluggish as he sat up and looked down the Karakura Town riverbank, the sun sparkling on the water like a thousand diamonds and people in boats and on jet-skis. When did the seasons change? He remembered clearly walking in the snow, bundled up as he trudged home from school. He remembered the chill of the rising wind as it whipped around his face and froze the tip of his nose, threatening to blow off the scarf around his neck. **Kisuke. I was going home to see Kisuke. What happened?**_

_Realization dawned on him like the languid rise of the morning sun. Memories flashed in front of his eyes, rapid-fire snapshots of a camera; those thugs from school circling around him, sharks closing in on a little guppy. Angry words shouted back and forth, the pain exploding from so many different places as they attacked, then his body falling bruised and beaten on the cold, snowy ground. Tears pricked his eyes. **Does that mean I'm...?**_

_Suddenly, he realized he wasn't alone._

_"Ka – Kaa..." He stammered in disbelief of the beautiful woman in front of him, his face going ashen._

_"Hi, baby," Masaki said with a smile. She opened her arms for her son. "Oh, my sweet little boy, I've missed you so much."_

_"K – Kaa-san!" Ichigo cried, immediately crawling over and collapsing in her arms, clinging to her as the tears flowed down his cheeks. All the grief and pain escaped from him in loud, heavy, child-like sobs that he let out against her shoulder as she cradled him in his arms like she used to when he was young. "M – Mommy... Mommy... M – Mommy!" He repeated the word over and over like a mantra, trying to make himself believe it was real, that he was finally back in his mother's arms. "G – Gomen nasai, mommy... Gomen n – nasai for everything... I'm so sorry I killed you! I'm so sorry you died... S – So sorry for everything... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" The words kept spilling from his lips almost without his bidding them to, unable to stop._

_"Shh, my Ichi-kun, shh," Masaki soothed quietly into his ear, rubbing his back as she gently ran her fingers through his hair, rocking him back and forth. "Why are you sorry, watashi no musuko?"_

_"B – Because I should have known it was Grand Fischer that day and not a little girl, and I shouldn't have gone to the river. B – Because you died protecting me, s – so it's all my fault. A – And because s – since then, I've done s – so much wrong to m – make you ashamed of me. I – I'm nothing that you would have wanted me to be; I failed you," he sniffled, little choking, heaving sobs bursting from his chest as he curled deeper into her lap, pressing his face into her neck and breathing in her scent._

_"Oh, no, my darling, no," she whispered as she settled him more firmly on her lap, holding him close against her chest. "I died that day because you were my entire world, Ichi-kun, you and your sisters were my only reason for living, and I couldn't bear the idea of something happening to you. Given the chance, there is nothing I would change about that day, and I would never trade your life for mine for anything in the world. It was a choice that I would gladly make again, nothing for you to feel guilty about or hold any shame. And as for beyond that, my sweet Ichigo, there was never a mother that was more proud of her son than I am of you. Everything you are, everything you've ever done is exactly what I hoped you would be, my strong, proud, beautiful son. You have made me so proud and honored to call you my child."_

_Ichigo began to sob all over again, warmth flooding into his heart as he tightened his arms around her, burying his face into her wavy chocolate brown hair. "I've missed you so much, okaa-san. Ever since you died it's like there's been this huge, black hole inside my heart. It felt a little more complete when I was with Kisuke, but even he always knew there was a part of me that would always be missing because you weren't there with me. No one can fill the space you did. But now I have you and I feel so whole again, I don't think I'll ever be able to let you go..." He stopped, realizing what he just admitted to his mother, tentatively meeting her eyes. "Are you angry with me for falling in love with him?"_

_"Of course not," she answered, bending forward to plant a soft kiss on his forehead. "You know all I've ever wanted is your happiness, whatever that is for you and whoever you choose to be with. Are you happy with him, musuko?"_

_"Well, I was..." Ichigo sighed heavily as he pushed himself up so he was facing her. "What happened after those guys attacked me, okaa-san? All I remember is laying on the ground and looking up at Manabu as he raised the bat over me. Did he kill me? But if I'm dead, then where are we? This isn't Soul Society... Why wouldn't I end up there when I died?"_

_She smiled at him affectionately, lightly touching his cheek. "You're not dead, musuko, but you almost were. They reached you in time and you're now in the hospital in a coma. You've been unconscious for three and a half weeks."_

_"Nearly a month?" He gasped, his eyes widening. "H – How is that possible? It only happened a few hours ago... or that's how it feels. But I just woke up here with you, so if I've been in a coma for over three weeks, where have I been?" He shook his head, trying to clear his confusion as he looked out over the water._

_"I don't know," she admitted. "My own sense of time is somewhat distorted. You were already here, sleeping, when I arrived, and I've been waiting for you to wake up. It must have been a few days at least."_

_"You arrived?" He repeated. "So, this isn't where you've been since you died?"_

_She shook her head. "I live in Soul Society."_

_His mouth dropped open. "Soul Society? But that can't be, I've been in Soul Society hundreds of times and I never saw you. Why... Why didn't you come to me?" He asked, a wave of guilt washing over him at how hurt he was at the idea that his mother hadn't sought him out._

_"Believe me, if I had known I would have done everything in my power to see you. I live in the Rukongai, and those of us who dwell there have very little idea of what is happening in the Siereitei, so I never even knew you were there."_

_Ichigo nodded, then settled back and rested his head on Masaki's lap. "Why did this happen to me, kaa-san? Things were going pretty well; Kisuke and I were happy, I loved living at the shoten, things were better with me and Karin... I just don't understand. Why did those guys single me out? And the other thing I don't get is how did they know about Kisuke and I? My friends don't even know about us yet, so who told them?"_

_Masaki ran her fingers through his hair gently, looking down at him with sad eyes. "Musuko, that's what I came to talk to you about. Your tou-san is not well, and you must be very careful. Do not believe anything that anyone says besides Kisuke and his friends, and your sisters. I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm very worried. Isshin has become so angry that I haven't been able to reach him like I used to. He's closed himself off even to me, and we have to reach him before he's too far gone to come back to us."_

_"Okaa-san, are you telling me tou-san was behind those guys attacking me?" The teen asked his mother, horrified. "Why would he do that? Does he hate me that much that he'd... want me to die?"_

_"I don't know why, baby," she replied sadly. "Like I said, there is something terribly wrong with him. We have to find some way to help him out of this darkness he's been consumed by, and you have to protect your sisters in the meantime. He's taking his anger out on them since you left."_

_"The girls? Oh Kami, he's hurting them because of me?" Ichigo cried, tears sliding down his cheeks._

_Masaki brushed the wetness off his face, cradling his cheeks in her hands. "Everything will be all right, darling, I'll be there to help you get him back. We just need to work together."_

_"H – How do I get through to him, though? Ever since you died it's like he and I are so distant from each other. He never listens to anything I say, he just gets angry with me. No matter what I do it's never good enough for him..."_

_"Do you trust me, watashi no musuko?"_

_"Of course, more than anyone," Ichigo answered._

_"Then believe me when I say everything will be okay. You'll figure out the right thing like you always do, and as I told you, I'll always be right there with you. But, it's time for you to go back now, darling, there is much for you to do and many people who need you," she told him, gently pulling him upright._

_Ichigo looked into her eyes, his own brandy-colored orbs full of regret. "I don't want to leave you, mommy, not after I just got you back. I can't be without you anymore, it hurts too much..."_

_"It is not time for us to be together, my sweet boy, but we will be someday, and when that day comes we'll never have to be apart again. But you still have a lot of life to live, musuko, and I want you to live it well and find happiness."_

_He released a quivering breath and nodded, hugging her tightly as he buried his face in her shoulder, taking in her lovely scent once more and trying to memorize exactly how it felt to be in her arms. "I will live well and be happy, for you, I promise," his voice cracked with emotion, but he couldn't bring himself to be ashamed of it. "Aishiteru yo, mommy."_

_"Aishiteru yo, baby boy," she whispered, holding onto him tightly. "Now turn around, there are two other people who need to see you."_

_"Huh?"_

_Ichigo grunted softly as a sudden wave of intense vertigo struck him, and the scene with his mother by the river spun away into hazy grayness. Then when the world finally quit spinning and his vision returned to him, he found himself perched on the roof of an endlessly tall skyscraper inside his inner world._

_"What?" He muttered to himself, looking around. "Okaa-san? Where are you?" He called, then gasped when the ground suddenly began to quake, leaping from the building to another skyscraper when the first crumbled and toppled to the ground, smashing into another as broken glass and steel flew every which way. That's when he realized that in his absence, with no connection to Zangetsu, Shirosaki or the powers they once gave him, their inner world was slowly disintegrating._

_"Ichigo."_

_The orange-haired teen looked up in the direction of the voice, seeing a dark-haired figure clad in black perched on top of one of the last erect buildings. "Old Man!" Ichigo exclaimed, leaping over to his zanpakuto. He froze and stared at the spirit who sat near the edge of the skyscraper, looking sickly pale and gasping raggedly for breath. "Old man? What's wrong?"_

_"Ichigo," Zangetsu struggled to get each word out. "I am dying. A zanpakuto cannot live without their master; they feed off one another and borrow on each others' powers, so when a master dies or loses his spiritual powers, the zanpakuto spirit within their blade dies and fades away as well. Because you were so powerful I have managed to feed off what energy you left me with, but my strength is running out. Unless we can reconnect, in a very short time I will be gone."_

_"Iie, iie, that can't happen!" Ichigo said desperately, kneeling down beside the weakened spirit. He grasped Zangetsu's arm when another hard tremor rocked the skyscraper and the side where Ichigo had stood crumbled. "How can I save you, Old Man? Tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it!"_

_"You must let Kisuke infuse you with his power to regenerate ours. We need him, or it will be hopeless... You have to get back to him quickly."_

_"Kaa-san says I'm in a coma, I don't know how I'm going to get away from tou-san after I wake up. What happens if he won't let me go?"_

_"Then Shirosaki and I will fade away, and your shinigami powers will be lost forever," Zangetsu answered despairingly._

_Ichigo felt salty tears prick his eyes, then quickly blinked them away, shaking his head firmly as he said in determination, "I won't let that happen, no matter what, I'll get back to Kisuke and save you guys somehow. I swear to you I will!" He looked around, suddenly taking notice of his Hollow counterpart's absence. "Where is Shirosaki?"_

_Zangetsu turned slowly, his face contorted in pain, and pointed down to the area below them. Ichigo squinted, then jumped from the building and landed softly on the ground, spotting the hollow barely standing amongst the rubble. He looked as sick and weak as the old man._

_"Shirosaki..." Ichigo started, reaching out to catch the Hollow who was barely able to stand upright from being so weak._

_"Bastard!" The albino Hollow's watery, raspy voice hissed as he lunged at Ichigo, who narrowly escaped getting his head chopped off by Shirosaki's black katana. Ichigo's sudden movement caused him to stumble and fall, panting heavily and coughing. His gold and black inverted eyes glared balefully at his former master. "This's all yer fault! Ya should'a let me take over like I told ya to, I always knew ya were too weak and pathetic ta really be the King. Now we're dyin' and it's all yer fault, ya worthless piece of shit!" The Hollow screeched, lunging forward and tackling Ichigo to the ground._

_"Knock it off, Shirosaki! It wasn't my fault that I lost my powers, I didn't want it any more than you did. Now I'm going to do the best I can to save you guys, but we can't fall apart before I even have a chance to fix things. We need to work together," Ichigo pleaded with him, trying to get the clawing, scratching, biting Hollow off him._

_"That is enough, Shirosaki," Zangetsu said sternly as he landed down beside them. "Ichigo is right, if we are going to make it we need to help him, not lay blame or point fingers. You need to let go of your anger and trust in our master."_

_Shirosaki growled low in his throat, glaring at Zangetsu. "Stay out of this, Old Man! I'm not going to die because this pansy is too weak to fight! He couldn't even stand up against those guys, how is he going to get his powers back? It's hopeless! I should have killed you when I had the chance," the albino spat angrily in Ichigo's face._

_"If you kill him, we will die anyway," Zangetsu reasoned calmly with him. "Now get up before I have to force you."_

_"Try me, ya old bag of dirt!" Shirosaki challenged, laughing maniacally._

_Zangetsu narrowed his eyes, whispering an incantation to create a small volley of kido that he sent flying at Shirosaki, knocking him off Ichigo and throwing him into the base of a collapsing skyscraper. Shirosaki emerged a moment later from the large billow of dust the impact of his body created, spitting up blood and seething with anger. But, Ichigo realized with a pang of despair, the once frighteningly powerful Hollow could not fight back._

_"Damn you to hell, Old Man!" He screeched._

_"I tried to warn you," the old, dark-haired spirit answered tiredly, exhausted just from conjuring up the little shakkahou. He ignored Shirosaki's cursing protests, turning back to Ichigo. "You have to go now, time is running very short."_

_"But what if I'm so injured that I can't even move? What do I do?" Ichigo asked helplessly, afraid to face whatever his new reality might be._

_"Quit yer whinin' an' go!" Shirosaki yelled, sending his own volley of kido crashing into the teen's chest, knocking him off his feet as his mind spun back into darkness._

* * *

><p>"I think he's waking up!"<p>

The oddly distorted, far away voice sounded in his ears before he opened his eyes, which felt glued shut. Blinding light assaulted him when he finally cracked them open, causing pain to explode in his head and prompting him to snap them back closed again. A weak groan that barely sound like it came from him escaped his lips, slowly reconnecting to his stiff, weak body. When he attempted to swallow, he choked on the ventilator down his throat, his eyes flying open in panic.

"Ichigo-san, it's all right, just relax," a nurse tried to soothe him, brushing away the tears leaking down his face.

Wide, frightened spiced-chocolate eyes darted around the room, looking desperately for the shopkeeper. Kisuke was nowhere in sight. One arm was held tightly in place by a thick, heavy white cast, the other arm splinted. Both legs were also casted, elevated in slings above the bed to help with blood flow. There was a bandage across his nose, keeping the broken bone in place, as well as layers of gauze wrapped around his head and his midsection to fix his broken ribs. Tubes and wires came out of every imaginable place. One eye was practically swollen shut. He was a fucking mess.

"Ichigo," he heard a relieved, masculine voice from somewhere by the door, his heart leaping for joy.

_Kisuke!_

But a moment later everything came crashing down on him as Isshin's face appeared above him, his father taking his hand. "Oh, Ichigo, watashi no musuko, I'm so glad you're awake," Isshin cried, lightly stroking the orange locks that stuck out of the heavy bandages.

Ichigo's eyes widened in horror and filled with tears as he recoiled, starting to sob all over again. A doctor and nurses rushed around him as his heart monitor blared from beside him, the teen's heart rate escalating as his distress increased. Tears streamed down his cheeks, little whimpers escaping him from around the breathing tube, staring in shock and terror at his father, his mother's words echoing in his mind.

One of the nurses injected something into his arm, stealing away his consciousness once again and pulling him into the black void. He faintly heard the nurses voice, as if it were coming from the end of a long tunnel.

"This happens sometimes when patients first wake up," she explained, likely speaking to Isshin. "They become overwhelmed and can often go into panic attacks like Ichigo had. The next time he wakes up things should be much better, just let him rest now."

_Kisuke... Kisuke, where are you? Please, I need you, don't make me stay here alone! Onegai... Kisuke, my love... Please, don't leave me..._

* * *

><p>Kisuke sat at the kitchen table in the shoten, the images of the night Ichigo was attacked running through his mind; Ichigo's broken, shattered body lying bloody in the snow, Isshin's wild, frightening look and his emotionless admittance of setting up the attack, watching the ambulance pull away with his lover and the man he despised more than anything inside. The events played in an instant loop in his mind, not even stopping when he slept, driving him ever closer to madness.<p>

_You promised you'd help him. You promised that you'd protect him and never let anything bad happen to him again. All of it was a fucking lie. He nearly died and you weren't there to do anything to stop it, and you can't do anything to help him now. Everything you told him was false, and now he's gone. You fucking failed him in the worst possible way_, his mind screamed relentlessly at him.

He got up from the table and dumped his untouched, cold tea down the drain, then turned to go into his lab where he'd locked himself away every day for the last month. Then his eye caught sight of something; a picture on the table where the phone rested that Ururu had taken of Kisuke and Ichigo on Christmas morning by their tree, surrounded by wrapping paper. They were both embracing each other tightly, their faces pressed close together and happy smiles on their faces. Kisuke gritted his teeth, his vision turning bright red as he looked down, spotting Jinta's baseball lying on the floor. He walked over and picked it up, turning it over in his hand and grasping it firmly, then cocked back and threw it with all his might, growling in fury. The ball sailed through the air, smashing through the kitchen window, the glass pane exploding as glass flew everywhere.

He stared after the ball as it landed in the yard and rolled a couple more feet before finally stopping, not even noticing when Yoruichi, Tessai and the kids all ran in to see what had just happened after hearing the window shatter.

"Kisuke..." Yoruichi began to say as she took a step forward.

"Onegai, Yoruichi," he begged softly, turning to look at her with tear-filled steel-gray eyes. "Just... don't say anything," he finished, dropping to his knees as he began to sob.

The violet-haired cat woman exchanged worried glances with Tessai, who ushered the children away while she came forward and knelt down beside her old friend. She gently brushed her fingers through his soft blonde locks, then pulled him into her arms, rocking him back and forth gently.

He sobbed in her arms until he didn't have any tears left, then allowed her to help him to his room and into bed where she crawled in with him. He buried his face in her shoulder, falling into an exhausted sleep as she watched him worriedly, sighing sadly.

_Oh, Kisuke... I told you this would end in heartbreak for both of you. Why do you never listen to me?_


	13. An Animal Trapped In Hell

**A/N: **Life has been so crazy busy I can't even explain to you, so I'm sorry this update took so long. I will try and be more vigilant about my updates, but like I said things have been so hectic with my new job plus everything else going on, my schedule is BOOKED. But anyway, thank you for being so patient, I love you all!

By the way, I didn't mention it in the last update, but in case anyone was curious, the Japanese word **musuko** means 'son', and clearly **'watashi no musuko'** means 'my son. I also added it to my list of translations on my profile in case you need reference. On to the chapter now!

**Song: **Bury Your Dead - "Broken Body"

* * *

><p><strong>This is real pain<br>These are real tears  
>This is the world falling on me<strong>

**Is this what you want?**  
><strong>Part of your great plan?<strong>  
><strong>You wanna see me fail?<strong>

Salty droplets of sweat poured down his face, matted his orange locks to his forehead and stung in his eyes. Every muscle shook with the effort of holding up the four-pound medicine ball cradled in his quivering, sweaty hands. It was an improvement; just a few weeks ago, he'd only been able to hold up the two-pound ball with a great deal of help. Progress was slow, at times going at a one-step-forward-three-steps-back pace, but he would take anything he could get. Any time he started to get down on himself or think how pathetic he felt, he just needed to remind himself it was much better than lying in a hospital bed, not even able to feed himself or sit up on his own, or even speak. Thank Kami those days were over.

The month and a half spent in the hospital was devoted to re-learning how to do all the aforementioned things and getting him strong enough so he could go back home. He suffered two major blows to the head, damaging both the frontal and temporal lobes of his cerebrum, which caused his inability to be able to speak and move. It also caused problems with his short term memory which still affected him; if there was something he needed to do, he knew to write it down or he'd forget. On top of all the physical injuries; his shattered elbow which needed six weeks in a cast and surgery to repair, his fractured wrist on the opposite arm, both legs broken which had just been released from the casts that had stayed on for six weeks longer than his arm, and a broken nose – the emotional and mental side effects were just something else he was forced to deal with. _At least I'm alive_, he kept reminding himself when his spirits were low.

That wasn't so easy to remember in the first couple of weeks after he woke from his coma, when all he could do was lie in bed and cry, begrudgingly allowing Isshin to see to his needs that the nurses didn't take care of. The pain, fear, and loneliness of being without Kisuke felt like it would never end, and it took a long time before the doctors and his therapists could get him to even try to work at getting better. Day after day went by with Ichigo refusing to let anyone inside his room, ignoring the doctors and nurses when they came to check on him, and refusing to eat or drink. All he wanted was be with his mother again, safe in her arms where he didn't have to worry and nothing or no one could bring harm to him. Kisuke's lack of attempting to come and see him clearly meant he didn't want his teen lover – _Former lover? _He wondered – so what was the point in living? He couldn't go back to how things were before he fell in love with Kisuke, that much was for sure. Why couldn't Manabu just have killed him? It would have been better. Far more merciful than this.

It took another venture to his slowly decaying inner world, a stern talking to from Zangetsu and another ass-kicking from Shirosaki before he decided to stop feeling sorry for himself and get his ass in gear. His zanpakuto told him that because of Ichigo's connection to Kisuke, he was able to communicate with Benihime, and she told him that her master still deeply loved the orange-haired teen, but he couldn't get to him because Isshin had security on alert to send him away if he tried to come visit at the hospital, and he was trying to figure out what to do without giving Isshin the opportunity to break them apart again. Ichigo didn't know if it was true or if the female zanpakuto was just trying to give him some hope, but he decided to hold onto it anyway. If he worked hard enough to get himself well, he could go to Kisuke and find out for sure what the shopkeeper felt and if he still wanted their relationship.

"Kurosaki-san? Are you all right?" His physical therapist, Yoshi asked gently, the young man's hazel eyes gazing at the teen in concern. "Come on, throw it back to me once more, then you're done for the day."

"I'm fine," Ichigo said as he snapped back to reality, then rubbed a hand over his flushed, wet face to wipe away the sweat before tossing the ball to Yoshi with a loud grunt of exertion.

"Awesome, great job!" The young therapist enthused with a grin on his handsome face. "Okay, good work today, go and grab some water now, Kurosaki-san."

Ichigo nodded. "Arigatou," he panted out, grabbing a towel to wipe his face, neck and arms off with, then grabbed his crutches and hobbled over to where his bag lie, getting out his water bottle and taking a deep, long drink. He sighed when he finished, sitting down in the wheelchair he still needed to make it long distances. "Damn, Yoshi-sama, stretches barre work, the exercise bike and strength training? You're kickin' my ass," he said in a light, joking tone as he bent over to retie the shoelaces on one foot, but made a sound of pain and grabbed his head.

"Another headache?" Yoshi asked, frowning a bit worriedly as he came over. "Here, let me help you," he offered, stooping down to tie Ichigo's shoe for him.

"Pisses me off when that happens," Ichigo grumbled, but didn't refuse the help. He rested his aching head in one hand, watching Yoshi's slightly shaggy raven hair fall into his eyes when he bent forward. _He's actually a good-looking guy, _Ichigo mused to himself, then immediately felt a pang of guilt twist through his heart, looking away quickly. _How could I think something like that about someone other than Kisuke? _Unbidden tears stung his eyes, sliding down his cheeks before he could stop them. It seemed much harder for him to control his emotions now, another side effect of what he'd been through.

"Hey, Kurosaki-san, don't get frustrated," Yoshi reassured him, putting a warm, calloused hand on his thigh, making Ichigo tense up slightly. "It will take some time, but eventually things will get back to normal. Don't worry, you're doing really well, look at the progress you've made. You're light-years away from where you were in our first sessions, and you'll only get better from here."

"I know," Ichigo said quietly, wiping the wetness off his cheeks quickly. "Gomen, I was just... thinking about someone."

"Oh?" Yoshi quirked a curious, raven eyebrow. "Someone special? A girl?"

Ichigo shook his head. "I'd rather not talk about it. This person and I haven't spoken since I was hurt, so I really don't know what's going on."

"Hey, I understand. Well, in any case, I know you already have a psychologist to talk to, but I'm also here to listen whenever you need it," the other man offered. "Whatever I can do to help you, just let me know."

"Arigatou, I appreciate that," Ichigo answered softly, subtly pulling his leg away from Yoshi's touch.

"No problem," Yoshi gave him another open, friendly smile. "Speaking of psychologist, you want me to take you down there for your appointment?"

"Iie, but arigatou, I can make it down by myself," Ichigo said, eager to get away from the attractive young therapist, although he felt guilty for it. Yoshi had been nothing but kind to him in the last four and a half months, but still, all he could think of was how much he missed Kisuke. No matter how much he found himself attracted to the other man physically, he knew where his heart truly lied, and nothing would be okay until they were back together. _I just hope it's what he still wants..._

Wheeling himself to the elevator, he rode down from the fourth floor to the second, then made his way to his psychologist's office, deliberately going as slow as he possibly could. Unlike Yoshi, Ichigo couldn't say he'd bonded to Dr. Miyagi, the man that was assigned to his case shortly after he awoke from his coma. The older man with dark brown hair and thick-rimmed glasses reminded him a little too much of Sosuke Aizen, not to mention he felt the doctor was more working as a spy for his father rather than an advocate for his patient. He pried Ichigo far too much about his previous relationship for the teen to feel comfortable with him, and seemed to want to coerce the boy into believing it was his lover that set up his attack. Of course, Ichigo always insisted he knew differently, which only seemed to anger and frustrate the man. Ichigo couldn't wait until he'd eaten up his allotted sessions with the doctor, and tried to make himself as late to their appointments as he could so he didn't have to stay as long.

Inevitably he arrived in the office, checking in with the receptionist before following a nurse back to Dr. Miyagi's office, which looked like the stereotypical counselor's office; neutral, earthen tones and dark leather furniture with the doctor's expensive cherry wood desk in the middle. The doctor looked up from a stack of papers he was working on when Ichigo knocked and entered the room.

"Ah, Ichigo," he said in his forced gentle, soothing voice, glancing at the clock. "Punctual as always, I see," he added with an edge of sarcasm.

"Hai, sorry," Ichigo mumbled as he parked his weelchair by the door, then hobbled over with his crutches and sat on the plush leather couch. "Physical therapy ran a bit later today."

"Mm," Dr. Miyagi hummed disinterestedly. "Well then, why don't you tell me how you've been doing?"

_Because you creep me the fuck out_, Ichigo actually thought about saying it aloud, but decided he better not if he didn't want to get ranked on at home by his father. No doubt Mr. Miyagi totally disregarded the doctor-patient confidentiality rules and told Isshin everything he said. "Um, I've been okay, I guess. Sleep is still a little rough because I have nightmares, and I find myself going into flashbacks more often during the day. Concentrating on anything for too long is difficult and gives me really nasty headaches, and I'm trying to write things down so I won't forget, but sometimes it leaves me even before I get to a pen and paper."

Dr. Miyagi made another non-committal grunt, making Ichigo grit his teeth in annoyance. The doctor's next question made it clear that he hadn't listened to a single word Ichigo just said. "And what about this Kisuke Urahara? Have you had any contact with him?"

Ichigo seethed. "I told you I'm not comfortable talking about Kisuke with you," he ground out, hands balled into tight fists. His tension only served to intensify his headache.

"And why is that, Ichigo?" Dr. Miyagi asked in his sickeningly sweet, feigned concerned voice.

"Just because," Ichigo snapped, his arms crossed over his chest as he glared at the old man. "I'm not comfortable talking about Kisuke, end of story."

"You know you were sexually assaulted the night of your attack. Kisuke Urahara coerced you into a sexual relationship with him. Hasn't it ever occurred to you that he could have been the one to rape you that night?"

"No!" Ichigo yelled angrily, slamming his fist down on the arm of the couch. His arm ached dully with the action, but he didn't care. "Kisuke would _never _hurt me, not for anything in a million years –"

"He could have simply wanted to dispose of you because he was no longer interested in your relationship, and that was the way he chose to do so."

"Shut the hell up! Kisuke would never dream of doing anything like that, he _loves _me! And he might be staying away now, but that's just because of my father keeping us apart. The time we spent together was the happiest time of my life, and I know without a doubt he felt the same way and wanted to stay with me. I _know _who is behind what happened to me, and it was _not _Kis, so don't even fucking try your mind games with me, old man!"

"You're getting irrationally angry, Ichigo," Dr. Miyagi said with a smug little smirk. "Could that possibly be because you aren't so sure? Perhaps you do believe, somewhere deep inside, that it was Kisuke's fault, but you don't want to face the truth."

"You want to know the truth?" Ichigo hollered, his eyes blazing as adrenaline pumped through his veins. "The truth is that my own father set up that attack to break Kisuke and I apart, because he never wanted us to be together and because he was angry with me for running away to Kis when things got bad at home. _That's _who was behind me getting hurt; my father, the guy whose dick you're proverbially sucking right now, and it was Manabu who raped me, _not _my lover."

"Then why did Kisuke show up right after your father discovered you? How could he have possibly known where you were? Couldn't it be possible that your pedophile of a so-called lover poisoned your mind against your father so much that you are in denial about what truly happened?" The older man insisted, his own eyes taking on an angry glint.

"You know what? Fuck you, and fuck this bullshit," Ichigo growled as he got to his feet, grabbing his crutches before walking to the door, sending the doctor a scathing look as he left. "I wonder what the board of health would if they knew you were going against your oath and giving out private information about your patients? Maybe we'll find out."

"Making threats? How _interesting_," the doctor answered condescendingly, that infuriating little smirk still in place.

Ichigo scowled at him darkly, flipping him the bird as he stormed out of the office. He was halfway to the elevator when he realized he'd forgotten his wheelchair, but decided he would rather die than step one foot inside that asshole's office again. Part of him expected security to come after him and drag him back to the office, but no one did. Instead he was left alone to struggle downstairs without his chair, ready to drop from exhaustion and pain when Yoshi's voice called out to him from across the lobby.

"Oi, Ichigo, wait up!" He called as he jogged over to the teen, stopping when he got over to him. "What's up? I thought your appointments with Dr. Miyagi usually lasted an hour. Is everything okay?"

"Hai," Ichigo panted out as he sat down on a bench, trembling as he tried to calm his nerves and clear the red from his vision. "Our appointment just... ended a little early. I don't really care to talk about it."

"Okay, well, your tou-san probably won't be here for a while because he expects you're still in your session, right? Want me to drive you home so you aren't stranded here? I just got off work, so I'm leaving, anyway."

Ichigo gave him a grateful smile. "Onegai, that would be great. Are you sure you don't mind?"

Yoshi smiled back sweetly as he sat beside the orange-haired teen. "It's not a problem, really, give yourself a minute to catch your breath, then I'll go to get my car and pick you up outside the entrance of the hospital so you won't have to walk so far. By the way, where is your wheelchair?"

"Left it back in Dr. Miyagi's office," he mumbled, one hand working on his calf to relieve the ache from walking. "I guess I was in kind of a hurry to get out of there."

"So, I guess something did happen then, huh? It's okay, you don't need to talk about it if you don't want to. That old geezer is really an asshole, though, isn't he?" The other man asked, raising an eyebrow again.

_Damn, he is cute when he looks at me like that_, Ichigo thought regretfully, a blush creeping up his neck to his cheeks. He scoffed, "You could say that again."

"'That old geezer is really an asshole,'" Yoshi repeated in a parrot-like voice, and both of them laughed harder this time. "Trust me, he doesn't have a lot of friends around here, and most of his patients end up leaving him because of his more, well, unethical practices. How did you get stuck with him, anyway?" Yoshi asked, and Ichigo realized the hazel-eyed man had scooted closer to him and had one arm stretched out behind Ichigo's shoulders, their knees almost touching.

Ichigo shrugged. "He's just the guy my tou-san wanted me to see, he came to talk to me when I was still in the hospital."

"Well, I'm sorry about that, maybe your tou-san just didn't know how Dr. Miyagi is with his patients," Yoshi suggested.

_Or maybe he knew exactly how Dr. Miyagi is and that's why he threw me to him. _"Yeah, maybe. Anyway, I'm going to see if I can switch to another psychologist, because I really don't think I can handle dealing with him on top of everything else."

"I understand," Yoshi nodded sympathetically as he reached over to squeeze Ichigo's shoulder. "Like I said, a lot of his patients decide to leave him, and a couple of them have complained to the board of health about him. Maybe you should, too. Want me to give you the number to call them?" He queried, lightly rubbing Ichigo's shoulder.

The orange-haired teen found himself tensing up slightly as he had before when Yoshi touched him, but then relaxed and leaned slightly into the slightly older man, chastising himself for it the whole time. He nodded to Yoshi's question. "Hai, I think I would like to do that, arigatou."

"Any time, so just go ahead and stay here while I bring the car around, it's not far so I shouldn't be too long," he said as he stood up.

Ichigo nodded silently, watching Yoshi head out of the building and disappear from sight. He returned a few minutes later, helping Ichigo to his car before he climbed into the driver's side. They talked a bit as Ichigo directed him on the way back to his house, then he turned to Yoshi when he pulled up by the sidewalk.

"Arigatou for the ride and everything," he said, unsure why he suddenly felt so shy when they'd already spent so much time together over the past four months.

"You're more than welcome, it was nice to spend a little time with you away from the hospital. Maybe we could do it again sometime?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah, maybe," Ichigo agreed with a little, sheepish smile, feeling his cheeks heat up again. "It was fun."

Yoshi grinned and nodded, then grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down two phone numbers, then handed it over to Ichigo. "The one at the top is the office for the board of health, just talk to somebody there. We're hoping that if Dr. Miyagi gets enough complaints, he won't be able to practice mental health anymore. He shouldn't be allowed to treat people that way, and I'm sorry again for what he did to you."

"Thanks, but there's nothing to be sorry about," Ichigo said, then wrinkled his brow a bit in curiosity. "What's this other number?"

"My home phone number," Yoshi said with his own bashful little smile, biting his lower lip. "Call me any time you feel like getting together."

"O – Okay," Ichigo stammered a bit, an odd rush of excitement and guilty pain washing over him, gnawing at his stomach. He opened the car door and got out, getting his crutches from the back, then shut the door and waved awkwardly to the raven-haired man. "I'll see you later."

Yoshi flashed his million-dollar smile. "Same time, same place, Wednesday afternoon. It's a date," he said with a wink.

"Um, yeah, Wednesday, see you then. Arigatou again," Ichigo answered, dying to get into the house and away from this handsome, good-natured guy who made him far too nervous. "Ja ne," he said before turning and going as fast as he could into the house.

"Ja ne!" Yoshi called behind him, no doubt still with that killer grin on his face.

Ichigo slammed the front door a little too hard, turning around and lightly pulling open the curtains to watch as Yoshi waited for him to get inside, then drove away. He sighed heavily, then made his way into the kitchen to get something to eat. The girls were still at school and Isshin was likely still in the clinic working, so he had the house to himself for the moment. After making himself a sandwich and eating it at the dining room table, he went into the living room and collapsed on the futon where he'd been sleeping so he didn't have to climb the stairs to his room.

Laying back with his arms cradling his head, he tried to close his eyes and clear his mind from all thoughts of his physical therapist, instead focusing on thinking how he could get back to the shoten to see Kisuke. Maybe he could somehow get in touch with Yoruichi and Tessai, and they could help get him over there without Isshin finding out. He thought about just asking Yoshi to drive him there one day after therapy, but quickly discounted that idea; for one thing, it would be really awkward to involve Yoshi in his relationship with Kisuke, even if they never met, but also, he couldn't shake the odd feeling that somehow Isshin was probably in contact with Yoshi as well and could find out about whatever they did together. Not that Yoshi seemed like an untrustworthy man, but he could never be totally sure. Soon exhaustion won out and he drifted to sleep curled up on his side, Masaki's loving eyes gazing down at him from the poster on the wall.

"Ichigo," Isshin's angry voice awoke him from his nap hours later.

Ichigo grunted softly, his eyes blinking owlishly as he looked up at his father. "Nuh, what?" He mumbled in a groggy, sleep-strained voice.

"What is this I hear about you storming out of Dr. Miyagi's office in the middle of your appointment?" Isshin demanded, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I dunno, what did you hear about it?" Ichigo countered, too sleepy to think better of his sarcastic tone.

"Don't give me that, Ichigo, just answer my question; Why did you walk out on Dr. Miyagi?"

"Because he's an old, nasty, unethical jackass who treats his patients like shit, and I decided I wasn't going to put up with it," Ichigo gritted out through clenched teeth, sitting up to scowl angrily at his father. "Besides, he wasn't really there to help me, the only purpose he served was for you to get information on me and Kisuke."

"I asked to be informed about your treatment so I would know if there was anything I could do, that's all. Dr. Miyagi was gracious enough to take on your case despite how many patients he already sees, because he's a personal friend of mine. You're going back to him and you'll apologize for what you said to him," Isshin insisted.

"Like hell I will," Ichigo spat back. "Dr. Miyagi is a fucking joke, and so are you, and I have half a mind to report you _both_ to the Japan National Board of Health. The fact that you two are so buddy-buddy means that he has no business seeing me, that's called a conflict of interest. Now I'm tired and want to sleep, so fuck off, you old, psychotic goat," he growled, then flopped over on his other side and yanked the blanket over his head.

Isshin growled, tearing off Ichigo's blanket and flipping him back over roughly. "Now you listen to me, you little brat!" He roared in his son's face.

"Ow!" Ichigo yelped as pain rocketed through his still healing body at the rough, harsh movement. "Get your hands off me, that hurts!"

"Listen here, _little boy_," Isshin said in a low, deadly tone, his eyes blazing angrily. "You are _my _son and you're living in _my _house now, which means you do what _I _say. And if I want you to see Dr. Miyagi, then that's exactly what you'll do _without complaints_! As for that pedophile who was fucking you, he's gone now. He just used you for his own selfish, perverted needs and then threw you away like the garbage he thought you were. And when you graduate, I'm sending you to a university in Tokyo and you'll never see or hear from him again."

Ichigo said nothing, staring back at him defiantly as he trembled with rage, knowing there was no use in arguing with him. _He's not well, _Masaki's voice reminded him. "Let me go," he repeated lowly.

Isshin sneered at him, pushing him back roughly on the couch before he stalked from the room, casting a dark glance over his shoulder at his son. A moment later, Karin appeared in the doorway, frowning.

"Are you okay, Ichi-nii?" She asked as she walked over to him, straightening out his blankets and helping him settle back.

"Yeah, kiddo, I'm okay," he replied. "Arigatou. Could you grab me a painkiller, onegai? They're on the desk in my room."

She nodded and headed upstairs to his room, then came back down with two pills, detouring into the kitchen to grab Ichigo some water before she came back out and handed him the medicine.

He swallowed the pills and took a long sip of water, then rested back. "Thanks, babygirl," he said softly, then opened his blanket and patted the spot beside him. "Lay down with me for a minute, please?"

Karin smiled and nodded, crawling on the futon beside her brother, her head rested on his chest. "Gomen that tou-san is on your case again," she apologized, sliding her arms gently around his waist.

He rested his chin on top of her head, one hand rubbing her side tenderly. "Hey, it's not your fault. I'm just sorry he's been at you because he's pissed off at me," he replied, then leaned down so his mouth was closer to her ear, "I'm going to find a way back to the shoten, and then I'll bring you and Yuzu to live with us. I don't want you to have to deal with this from him anymore."

She twisted around to meet his eyes, her own hopeful and sparkling with excitement. "Really? You'll bring me with you this time?"

"Hai, I promise," he smiled.

She beamed up at him, then snuggled back down against his chest and closed her eyes. He rubbed her side and played with her hair a bit as she drifted to sleep, then dozed off again with the help of the pain medication, his confrontation with Isshin nearly forgotten in the pleasantness of his sister's company. She'd been great all throughout his recovery, as had Yuzu, both of them coming to see him in the hospital and helping out with whatever he needed at home. He didn't know what he would have done without either of them, and he vowed to make a better life for them to repay their kindness.

Hours later, long after the sun had gone down he awoke once more to find himself alone. Sitting up slowly with a grunt of discomfort at the stiffness in his body, he looked over at his digital clock that he'd brought downstairs so he could get himself up for school and discovered it was nearly one o' clock in the morning. He slowly got up and made his way into the kitchen, finding the wrapped up dinner plate of food Yuzu left in the refrigerator for him. As quietly as he could so not to wake his sleeping family, he stuck the food in the microwave to heat it up, then lounged back on the futon as he ate it. After he finished, he collected the dishes and started to get up to go and wash them when suddenly, a light tapping on the window made him jump and look over. Golden feline eyes gazed at him from the sill, the sleek black cat's tail waving lazily.

Ichigo quickly set down his things and padded over to the window, casting a nervous glance behind him to make sure his father wasn't going to come downstairs. He slid open the window and smiled at the cat. "Yoruichi-sama!" He whispered happily, but his smile quickly dropped at the worried look on the black feline face. "What is it?"

"Ichigo, you must come with me now, Tessai has the car parked around the corner," Yoruichi said in her deep voice. "Kisuke is not well."

Ichigo's eyes filled with tears of worry, and without hesitation he grabbed a light jacket and his crutches, silently leaving the house and rushing as fast as he could after Yoruichi, not caring about anything but reaching his love.


	14. Cross My Heart

**A/N: **I am SO sorry, you guys! I cannot even begin to explain how absolutely insane my life has been since I last posted, and I just have not had the energy, physically or emotionally, to update the story. But I feel really, really horrible for making you all wait so long, so I made the chapter a bit longer than the others. From now on the updates will come faster, I promise, because things seem to be settling down (knock on wood). Again, SO sorry for making you guys wait for so long. I hope the chapter makes up for it!

**Song: **Marianas Trench - "Cross My Heart"

* * *

><p><strong>And I do want to show you<br>I will run to you, take you 'till I  
>Can't stand on my own anymore<br>I cross my heart and hope to die **

"Domo, Ichigo-san," Tessai greeted from the front seat as Yoruichi and Ichigo crawled in the back.

"Hey, Tessai-san," Ichigo answered, then looked back down at Yoruichi who curled into his lap while he buckled up. "So, what's wrong with Kisuke?"

"I think he's become so depressed without you that his body has become physically ill," the black cat explained, gazing up at him with sad, desperate golden eyes. "He barely eats anything, refuses to get out of bed, won't speak to anyone, not even the kids. All he does is stay in his room and blame himself for what happened to you. He's gotten so weak that his spirit centers have begun to shut down from his body's poor condition."

Ichigo's eyes widened in horror. "Are... Are you saying that Kis is dying? Because of me?"

"If he continues this way, hai, I'm afraid he will," Yoruichi confirmed reluctantly.

"That's why we needed to come and get you, so we can stop that from happening," Tessai interjected, meeting the tangerine-haired teen's brandy eyes in the rear view mirror.

"I'll do whatever I can," he promised, gazing out the window as he added quietly, "As long as he still wants me."

They rode the rest of the way to the shoten in silence, then Ichigo followed them up the pathway and into the dark building, leaning heavily on his crutches. As soon as he walked in the door he found himself nearly tackled by two small bodies.

"Ichi-san!" Ururu exclaimed happily as she threw her arms around his neck.

"It's about time, you jerk!" Jinta added, giving him a half hearted squeeze around the middle but looking like he really wanted to kick him.

Ichigo laughed softly, hugging Ururu as he ruffled Jinta's crimson hair. "Go easy on me, guys, I'm still healing," he smiled at the violet-haired woman who had shifted back into human form and the dark haired, goateed man. "And I'm happy to be back, too, I missed you guys. Even you, brat," he smirked at the scowling little boy.

"Shut up," Jinta snapped, "Or I'll take those crutches and beat you with them."

"Yeah right, squirt," Ichigo chuckled again. "I'd really like to see that but, shouldn't you two be in bed?"

"The car woke us up, we just wanted to see you," Ururu explained sweetly.

Jinted nodded. "Yeah, and hoping you could do something to snap the boss out of the funk he's in. He's acting like a bigger jerk than you."

"Jinta," Yoruichi said warningly.

The boy threw out his arms in defense. "Well, it's true!"

"I'll see what I can do about it," Ichigo promised as he carefully stood back up from his kneeling position.

"Now off to bed, you two," Tessai said, ushering the kids back to their rooms.

Once they were alone Yoruichi pointed down the hallway. "Kisuke is in the bedroom, he was asleep before we left."

Ichigo nodded and thanked her, then crept quietly down the hall to the room he used to share with his lover, pushing open the door so not to wake the sleeping man. He paused in the doorway to gaze at the blonde shopkeeper who slept curled on his side around one pillow, the second cradling his head. The way his pale blonde hair fanned out around his face with the moonlight illuminating his soft, alabaster skin made him look almost angelic. The teen's lips curled up in a soft smile as he stepped inside the room and shut the door behind him, then padded over to the bed on silent feet and sat on the edge. A closer look showed Kisuke's mouth turned slightly downward in a soft frown, his brow furrowed as little discontented sounds escaped his parted lips, dark circles under his eyes telling of many sleepless nights since Ichigo had left.

"Oh, watashi no koi," he whispered, bending forward to nuzzle against the older man's longer facial hair before pressing his lips softly to the shopkeeper's slightly chapped ones.

The blonde's smokey eyes blinked sleepily, looking dazed and unfocused for several minutes before they cleared and settled on his teen lover's face. "I – Ichi?" He asked in disbelief. "Y – You can't be... This has to be a d – dream..."

"Iie, baby, it's not a dream. I'm here," Ichigo reassured him, planting more kisses over his face and down his throat. "Gomen that I've been away for so long."

"H – How did you get here? Does Isshin know?" Kisuke asked, panic creeping into his voice as he propped himself up on his elbows. "Ichigo, we can't do this, your tou-san..."

"I don't give a shit about him or anything else right now," Ichigo said firmly as he pushed the shopkeeper back down. "All that matters is that we're finally here together, and I love you and... Kami, I've missed you!" he half-sobbed, settling on top of the blonde more as he invaded his mouth more voraciously and ran his fingers through his hair. "I missed you so, so much... I thought I would die from it..."

Kisuke groaned softly while a million conflicting thoughts spun dizzily through his mind. _Oh Kami, he's back and it feels so good to be like this with him again... But we can't do this anymore, it already put him in danger once, and I won't let him get hurt because of me again... Fuck, but I can't help myself! He feels so good, his lips and hands and body on me, oh shit... _He kissed the tangerine-haired seventeen year old back helplessly, his fingers questing under Ichigo's shirt and skimming lightly over the sinewy muscles of his back. "Ichi..." he managed his lover's name through the barrage of steamy, hot, passionate kisses while gently turning them so he was above Ichigo.

The orange-haired teen smiled helplessly, running his hands over Kisuke's thinner but still muscular torso, re-learning the dips and curves of the man's body. When they finally parted to catch their breath, panting and flushed, Ichigo gazed up into Kisuke's dark gray eyes. "Why didn't you come to see me?" He asked, not particularly mad, just curious.

"There was nothing I could do for you, baby," Kisuke sighed, playing with Ichigo's longer pumpkin-colored hair. "Besides, the security your tou-san had around you made it nearly impossible to get into the hospital, and... Let's be honest, Ichi, it's my fault that you were hurt in the first place. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away, not making things harder on you."

"It made it harder on me to be away from you," Ichigo told him as he nuzzled his neck warmly, still planting little kisses on his skin. "But I understand, and it's okay. None of that matters, anyway, just that we're together now." His lips drifted lower, down the broad expanse of Kisuke's chest, closing around a nipple and beginning to suckle the little caramel nub. While his mouth teased and played across the stiffening pebble, his other hand slipped further below the covers, rubbing his cock through the cotton of his boxers, feeling it stiffen under his touch as well.

The older blonde shivered and groaned softly, his body arching into the sensation as his head fell back. "Oh, I – Ichi!"

Ichigo released the nipple with a wet pop, then raised his head and smiled at his lover. "Kis... Make love to me. Onegai," he breathed pleadingly as he stared into Kisuke's smoky eyes, his own tawny brown orbs full of need.

"Are you sure?" Kisuke asked, touching Ichigo's cheek with his fingertips as his other hand ran up and down his side.

"_Yes_," the younger man answered eagerly. "Want you, need you. I've been so empty without you, onegai, fill me up again." He raised his hips to accentuate his point, rubbing their cocks together.

Kisuke moaned hungrily, grinding back down against Ichigo as he attacked his mouth with biting, hard kisses. Ichigo responded just as intensely, nibbling on the blonde's soft bottom lip while he slipped off his boxers, then allowed Kisuke to peel away the layers of his clothing as well, until there was nothing left between them. The shopkeeper's mouth lazily meandered over the peaches and cream skin of Ichigo's throat to his chest, finding a nipple and sucking on the rosy bud. The younger man hissed softly, his body arching into the erotic sensations that he hasn't felt in so long, but then whimpered at the pain it caused in his still healing body. Kisuke immediately pulled back, his steel gray eyes full of concern.

"Gomen nasai, baby," he whispered. "Did I hurt you?"

"You didn't do anything," the teen replied in a slightly strained voice as he repositioned himself. "That just happens now and then when I move the wrong way, it's mostly my leg. I'm okay, sorry."

"It's okay, just lie whichever way is most comfortable," he told the boy, shifting his own weight so he wasn't lying so heavily against him.

"It's fine now," he answered, then bit his lip sheepishly. "I really killed the moment, though, didn't I?"

"Not at all, baby," the shopkeeper smiled warmly at him before he dipped his head back down and began to give the teen's other nipple the same treatment he gave the first. As he did his fingers ghosted over Ichigo's hip, curling around his thickening erection and beginning to pump slowly.

"O – Oh Kami, Kis!" Ichigo cried out, his head falling back on the pillow as he bucked into Kisuke's hand and grasped for the older man's inflamed cock and mimicked his motions.

Kisuke growled out a moan, thrusting back against Ichigo and rubbing the heads of their members together as they stroked one another. The shopkeeper continued his descent down his young, beautiful lover's body until Ichigo was forced to let go of his cock, which made the carrot-top teen mewl in protest until the blonde's hot, wet mouth wrapped around him and began to suckle. Ichigo sobbed out a long, keening whine, unable to stop his restless hips from bucking up into the deep cavern of Kisuke's mouth while the shopkeeper struggled to keep him from thrusting too hard, alternating between languid licks and deep suction on his lover's straining arousal. Peach-skinned, calloused fingers buried themselves in the older man's thick blonde mane that was longer than the last time Ichigo had seen him, the young tangerine-haired boy panting as he watched Kisuke's mouth rise and fall rapidly on his cock, driving him to the brink quickly. He felt himself about to burst when Kisuke's mouth abruptly left him, but just as tears of frustration rose in his eyes the very tip of that long, devilishly skilled tongue followed the engorged vein down his shaft to the soft sac beneath, taking an orb into his mouth and gently sucking as his tongue ran over the smooth, tightly drawn skin. The sweet, erotic noises his ministrations elicited from the younger man went straight to the shopkeeper's groin, causing him to moan around the small globe between his lips. As he moved onto the other orb a hand sneaked down to relieve the ache, though he moved slowly so not to come too soon.

"Kis! Onegai, d – don't stop! Fuck, so good... _So good, baby_!" The young man cried as he tugged on his lover's blonde locks so hard that Kisuke nearly cringed, but didn't care enough to stop.

_He's so beautiful this way, so wild, and vulnerable, and open to me. I don't know what I did to ever get so damn lucky, but fuck if I'm not glad for it. I can't believe it, this beautiful, strong, brave, amazing man is **mine**, all **mine**... _The blonde's eyes stung as he contemplated on all the events that led them to this moment, and while he knew it had been a difficult road for both of them, he couldn't bring himself to regret a single thing. If he had it all to go again, he wouldn't have changed a single damn thing if he knew it would bring the only person he'd ever truly loved into his arms. Everything was worth it for him, and he didn't have any doubt that Ichigo felt the same. Blinking away his tears, he released the second orb and let his tongue slide down across Ichigo's perineum, teasing it before traveling back even further between Ichigo's cheeks. Above him, Ichigo gasped and tensed.

"Kisuke?" He panted uncertainly, trembling from pleasure even as he frowned nervously. "W – What...?"

"Shh, it's okay, baby," Kisuke soothed him quietly while his thumbs rubbed slow circles in the hollows of his slender hips. "Do you trust me?" He asked, kissing and nibbling his way along one creamy, soft thigh.

"Y – Yes, more than a – anyone," Ichigo sighed as he slowly relaxed, his fingers still lightly stroking the ends of Kisuke's hair.

Kisuke smiled, "Good." He kissed his way back over the perfect curve of Ichigo's bottom, nudging his way between the soft cheeks as his tongue flicked out and swiped over the little tight pucker between them. The younger man yelped, his hands falling out of the shopkeeper's hair to fist in the sheets beneath him, his body wracked with hard shudders of pleasure as he bucked upward. The blonde smirked to himself, his smoky eyes glinting as he looked up at his lover's sweetly flushed face contorted in sheer ecstasy. It made his heart ache joyfully to see the perpetual scowl that usually dominated his lover's face smoothed out, replaced by contentment and happiness, and knowing it was because of him and the love they shared.

His tongue slowly traced around the little ring, poking at the center but never pushing inside, snaking the other hand around his thigh to stroke his cock. Ichigo mewled and squirmed against the new, frightening but wickedly pleasurable sensations, spreading his legs wider to try and invite that sinful tongue to explore more of his most secret place. Since he and Kisuke first became intimate he often fantasized about what it would be like to be taken in that way by his lover, but he could have never imagined how amazing the reality of it could be, and it wasn't just about the physical pleasure, either. In all the time he'd dreamed of it, he never considered how emotional such an act could be, or the amount of trust and dedication letting someone so close required. He wasn't the kind to let just anybody near his body this way and neither was Kisuke, and the sentiment hit the teen like a ton of bricks in that moment; Kisuke was as deeply, madly, and helplessly in love with Ichigo as the orange-haired boy was with him, and he was going to prove it to him right now by giving him the most meaningful gift a person can give another. Ichigo was finally about to give away his most sacred possession, his innocence, and he couldn't imagine anyone else he would have wanted to give it to than than the blonde who was kneeling between his legs and worshiping his body. Their eyes connected, the smoldering look in those murky stone-gray depths leaving Ichigo breathless and dizzy, then Kisuke carefully pushed the very tip of his tongue inside the boy's tight pucker, just far enough to send a jolt through the body of his lover and light up all the little nerves around his entrance.

The wet appendage playing at his entrance, the hand moving faster on his cock, and the sight of the blonde man stretched out between his legs all suddenly became too much, and Ichigo threw his head back as his hips snapped upward and he began to crest the wave of pleasure. "F – Fuck!" He nearly screamed as his cock pulsed and throbbed heavily in Kisuke's hand, string after string of pearly white fluid erupting from him and onto Kisuke's hand as he clawed at the sheets and bucked helplessly.

When the teen's body finally relaxed against the mattress, Kisuke pulled back slightly and lapped up the remnants of Ichigo's release, then crawled up his body and pulled him in for a deep, languid kiss to give Ichigo a taste of his own essence mixed with the blonde's flavor. "Mm, you taste so sweet, watashi no koi," he nearly purred, nuzzling his nose against the crook of Ichigo's neck. "Like... _Strawberries_."

Ichigo groaned, "Don't kill the moment, baka," he said with his classic stubbornness as he closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath.

The older man chuckled, nibbling on Ichigo's collarbone lightly. "Sorry, baby," he apologized, though he didn't sound at all sorry.

The orange-haired teen smirked down at him, running his hands up and down his sides. They lie there for several moments, just breathing in each others' scent and enjoying being together again until Kisuke propped himself up on his elbows to gaze down into Ichigo's spiced cocoa eyes. "Ichigo, I – " He bit his lip with a sigh, unsure of how to explain to his lover all the things that filled his heart as he pressed his nose into damp, vibrant tresses. "I missed you so much, you've no idea..."

Soft fingertips brushing across his lips silenced him. "I _do _know, baby," Ichigo insisted, stroking the older man's cheek with his thumb. "Because everything you felt, I was feeling exactly the same way. And while it makes me sad that you had to suffer like I did, I'm glad, too, because part of me was afraid that you would give up on me and find someone else. Not that I didn't have faith in you, but..."

"I know, baby, it's okay. But you have to know that I'd never give up on you or us for anything in the world. You're far too important to me to just walk away from and forget. Please, understand how much I love you and always remember it."

"I do understand now," he reassured him as they laced their fingers together. "And I love you, too. I promise I'll never doubt again."

"Good," Kisuke smiled, cupping Ichigo's face and bringing him in for another tender kiss, brushing the strands of bright tangerine out of his eyes. He gazed into those pools of deep red-brown when they parted, finding his own heart was racing in his chest. "Ichi..."

"Yes," he answered before the blonde even asked. "Yes, yes, _yes_. Take me, all of me, make me yours."

Kisuke moaned softly at his lover's enthusiasm, kissing him before he urged Ichigo to turn onto his stomach, but the orange-haired teen resisted. "I have to stretch you first, baby," he explained when he saw the nervous look on Ichigo's face.

"I know, but can I stay on my back like this? Even though I really do want this, I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little scared and I – I think being able to see you, to look into your eyes will help," he admitted, slightly embarrassed, but he knew Kisuke would understand.

"Oh, yes, baby, yes, of course, you just stay whatever way feels most comfortable to you," he said, then reached into the top drawer in the nightstand and rummaged around until he found the bottle of lubrication he was looking for. He squirted out a generous amount onto his fingers, then spread it around to make sure they were fully coated, adding more to make sure he had enough. Out the corner of his eye he saw Ichigo watching him, the expression in his eyes a mix of anxiety and curiosity, and smiled as he held out the bottle for Ichigo to inspect further.

Ichigo dipped his fingers into the gloppy lube and rubbed it around to see the consistency, then sniffed it. "It smells good," he observed.

Kisuke gave him a sly grin. "It's flavored, too."

"Flavored?" Ichigo repeated, wrinkling his nose a bit, then licked his finger lightly, his expression falling. "_Strawberry_? Are you fucking kidding me?" He deadpanned at the shopkeeper.

"What? What's wrong with that?" Kisuke laughed as Ichigo just scowled at him more. "It reminded me of you."

Ichigo groaned as he scrubbed a hand over his face and through his hair, his cheeks flaming red. "You're fucking impossible."

"I know," Kisuke chuckled again, then pouted cutely at the teen. "But you love me for it, don't you?"

"I suppose so," Ichigo sighed, then laughed helplessly as he wound his arms around the blonde's neck. "Yes, I _know_ so."

The shopkeeper smiled warmly, claiming Ichigo's lips once again in a slow, sweet, disarming kiss as he put more lube on his fingers just to be extra sure, then slid his hand down between the boy's thighs, moving Ichigo's hips forward a bit to give him more room. "We'll do this really slowly, okay? And if it starts to hurt or you want to slow down even more, or stop, just give me the word."

Ichigo gave him a tight nod as he took a deep breath and released it slowly, relaxing as much as possible even though he felt himself begin to tremble and his heart felt as if it was about to fly out of his throat.

Kisuke nodded back, finding his own fingers trembling nervously as he stroked them around the winking, tight pucker where his mouth was moments before, skimming its circumference and pushing a bit before pulling back again, letting Ichigo first get used to pressure around the area. Ichigo grunted and bit his lip, but stayed calm and pliant. Once he was sure his lover was okay so far, he once again added more lube to his first finger, then pressed it back to Ichigo's entrance and pushed until just the tip was inside. The tangerine-haired teen released a strangled noise in the back of his throat, a sheen of sweat coating his peach skin as he panted softly, the feeling of pressure and being stretched open strange and uncomfortable. But as weird as it felt, he was relieved that it didn't hurt like some of the horror stories he'd heard. Kisuke allowed him to adjust, then slowly wriggled his finger in a bit deeper until finally his knuckle disappeared. He paused again, looking down into Ichigo's eyes lovingly.

"Still doing okay, lover? Do you need me to go slower?"

"No, I'm fine, onegai, keep going."

Kisuke smiled affectionately, nodding as he began to move his finger back and forth inside Ichigo's heated, silky inner walls, wiggling around a bit to stretch him out. Ichigo moaned a bit more loudly, his body tensing up slightly with the movement that felt even stranger than when Kisuke was still, but controlled himself enough not to make Kisuke stop. He suddenly gasped and cried out when the end of Kisuke's finger brushed a spot deep inside him that caused him to arch up off the bed as his cock, which was starting to get hard again, twitched and leaked pre-come onto Kisuke's hand that stroked him.

The shopkeeper continued to prepare his lover as slowly and gently as he could, although he ached to be inside him and his own cocked throbbed painfully from being denied stimulation or release. He forced himself to focus on Ichigo alone, carefully adding fingers one by one and stretching him open while teasing his prostate until Ichigo was a writhing, panting, bucking and whimpering heap beneath him. He'd made it to three fingers buried to the knuckles.

"Fuck, Kis, enough fingers," he panted out. "Want you, need you inside me right now. Please, I can't wait anymore. Onegai, take me now."

"Okay, baby," Kisuke answered tenderly as he spread little kisses along Ichigo's jawline and down his throat, carefully withdrawing his fingers from inside Ichigo's tight, hot walls that were now slick with lube. He reached for the bottle to slick himself up next, but Ichigo batted his hand away, grabbing the lube himself and pouring some onto his hand.

Kisuke watched him, smoky eyes almost black now, hungry and lustful, as Ichigo reached down and began to stroke him. The former shinigami captain moaned deeply into his lover's sweat-slick neck, bucking sharply into his hand, but forced himself to stay still, aware of how close he was from not being touched for so long and not wanting it to end before it began. A sudden swell of aggressive need rose up in him and he yanked Ichigo's hand away with a growl, pinning the teen's arm over his head as he took him in a biting, hard, possessive kiss that made Ichigo convulse and rumble out a groan into the blonde's mouth, returning the kisses with equal passion. Keeping the orangette's arm pinned down with one hand, Kisuke used the other to grab himself tightly around the base of his cock as he touched the swollen, reddened head to Ichigo's prepared entrance, then bent forward to let his own weight help him push into the teen. He bit down on the orange-haired boy's lower lip as Ichigo gasped and sobbed into his mouth at the feeling of being entered by his lover's large, heavy cock that was more than all three of his fingers combined. The hands tightening almost painfully on his shoulders brought Kisuke back to himself and he froze, his eyes widening in horror as he stroked Ichigo's hair away from his face and peppered his skin with little, feather-light kisses.

"Kami, Ichi, I'm so sorry! Fuck, did I hurt you? Are you okay? Oh shit, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," he apologized over and over, berating himself for losing control and being so rough. _You promised him you'd be gentle and look what you did, you fucking stupid asshole! Fuck, you just ruined the most important night of his life, damn you! Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

"Kisuke, stop, it's okay," Ichigo reassured his frantic lover as he managed to calm himself down, relaxing as his body got used to the feeling. "You didn't do anything wrong, I'm fine. Just give me one more minute, okay?"

"Hai, of course, baby, take as long as you need, we're in no hurry," Kisuke answered, still trying to soothe his lover with gentle touches and sweet kisses to make up for his rough entry inside him.

Ichigo smiled, returning all of Kisuke's loving ministrations as his body slowly adjusted to his lover's length being inside him. He breathed in and out deeply, enjoying the deep connection of their bodies and the deep, emotional sense of being made one. In all his life Ichigo could never remember another time he'd felt so whole, so complete, so fulfilled, and in so many more ways than just physically. It was almost overwhelming, but beautifully so.

"Okay," he finally said after several moments. "You can move now."

Kisuke lifted his head from where he was languidly sucking on a perky caramel nipple, re-adjusting his weight so he rested mostly on his forearms, then pulled back slightly and pushed back in. Ichigo's hands tightened on his shoulders again and he released a shuddering moan, but it sounded more from pleasure than pain, so he repeated the move while shifting a bit to nail the little bundle of nerves inside. The orange-haired teen cried out as his prostate was bumped just right, raking his blunt nails down the shopkeeper's back, marring his pale skin with thin red lines. Kisuke groaned, his head falling back as Ichigo attacked his neck with hard bites and rough kisses, tightening his hands on the boy's slender hips as they rocked into each other, picking up momentum as their passion increased.

"Ichi, you feel so good, baby... So tight, hot, deep... Kami, you're perfect!" Kisuke exclaimed, reaching down to stroke Ichigo's straining cock, hitting his prostate repeatedly.

"F – Fuck! Harder, faster, please, Kisuke!" Ichigo begged as he bucked his hips to meet each of Kisuke's thrusts and wrapped his legs around the older man's waist to bring him in deeper.

Kisuke obliged happily, picking up the speed of his thrusts as he stroked Ichigo's cock at the same time, his other arm wrapping around his waist while he nipped, sucked and kissed over every inch of creamy, peach skin that he could reach. It didn't take long before both men felt their climaxes rapidly approaching, both crying out and moaning as their bodies slammed together desperately and their mouths and hands drifted everywhere. Suddenly getting an idea, Kisuke slowed to a stop and, while Ichigo mewled and whined at him for stopping, moved them over so he was lying on his back and Ichigo was seated on his cock, straddling him.

"I want to see you ride me," Kisuke told him huskily, letting his lover once again get used to the change of position.

Ichigo bit his lip coyly and smiled down at his lover through the damp orange locks that fell into his eyes, only taking a few seconds this time before he started to move. He found that maintaining an up-and-down rhythm put a bit too much strain on his injured body, so instead he settled into a back and forth grinding motion with Kisuke's hands on his hips to help him. He planted his hands on the blonde's chest, bowing his head as sweet whimpers, moans and cries spilled from his parted, kiss-swollen lips, shivering at the delightful burning friction between their bodies. Beneath him Kisuke panted and moaned deliriously as he drank in the unbelievably beautiful sight of his lover moving atop him, his perfect body shifting back and forth as his long hair swayed around his shoulders, his cheeks flushed and his eyes closed in ecstasy. Never in a million years would he have imagined when he first met the stubborn, willful, amazingly strong teen that he would end up here, making love to him. They had come such a long way, and the older man would never stop thanking his lucky stars for bringing this incredible man into his life.

"K – Kis, touch me, _please_," Ichigo's whimpered plea brought him back to reality and he released the death-grip he had on the boy's hip to stroke him again in time with his thrusts. "O – Oh, Kami! Fuck, I can't anymore... I – I need to... I'm gonna..." The teen sobbed, bucking into Kisuke's strong grip as he rocked back and forth faster so the head of the shopkeeper's cock rubbed his prostate _just right_.

"Come on then, baby, come for me," Kisuke murmured, twisting his hand around the dripping, swollen head of Ichigo's cock, tugging roughly as he bucked his hips in rapid succession to ram his prostate over and over.

Ichigo threw his head back and screamed out as his body convulsed wildly above Kisuke, his cock throbbing and twitching as milky seed exploded from him and splashed over both their bodies, his mind spinning away into oblivion. He didn't even have time to stop before Kisuke grabbed onto his hips in a vice grip, going completely rigid and still as he cried out his own release, filling Ichigo to his core in white-hot bursts. He realized he'd squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he came, and when he opened them he gasped sharply. Above him Ichigo's entire body glowed, his reiatsu increasing around them as it grew steadily until Kisuke could barely see him in the blinding light, then he realized his own reiatsu was glowing and sparking around him as well, almost seeming to feed into Ichigo's. The young boy cried out as his power enveloped him and exploded around them in a hard burst of reiatsu and light, then abruptly faded as he fell, exhausted and panting, onto his lover's chest. They both lie in silence for several minutes, completely stunned, then Ichigo looked around the room dazedly, a sound of utter shock and joy escaping him when his eyes fell on the corner of the room.

"K – Kisuke! Kis, look, Zangetsu is lying next to Benihime!" He sobbed, looking down at his lover as tears of happiness and relief spilled onto his flushed cheeks. "My powers are back!"


	15. Little Earthquakes

**A/N: **Eek! I almost feel guilty for this chapter when you guys responded to the last one thinking everything is going to be all good and happy. Sorry, everybody, but remember this story is ANGST. In any case, I'm quite prepared to receive some hate mail for this one, but I PROMISE if you stick with me, Hotaru-san will make everything okay again soon! Okay, maybe not REAL soon, but you know, eventually. Anyway, sorry to anyone this chapter disappoints! I hope you still love me. *Gives sweet puppy dog eyes* I still wuv you...

By the way, I know I've been slacking in the responses to reviews, but I promise I will make my way through and answer you all. You'll never know how much your support for this story has meant to me *crosses fingers that I don't lose that support with this chapter* and I love you all to the moon and back. In the meantime, a HUGE thank you to EmoBunny4Eva, Mina Kye, Hinata-Rae 7-3.15, jakondas, SexyBeast, my lovely, amazing Lady Avotil, Lil Mexican, Love Psycho, Mrs. Grimm and Cuzosu. I love, love, love, love, love you guys! Thank you so much from the very bottom of my yaoi-loving heart! *Does the over one hundred reviews dance and blows kisses to everyone*

**Song for this chapter: **Tori Amos - "Little Earthquakes"

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><p><strong>Oh, these little earthquakes<strong>

**Here we go again**

**These little earthquakes**

**Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces**

Kisuke winced as Ichigo somewhat hurriedly disengaged their bodies, making the older man's flaccid cock slide from him with a wet _plop_ sound, as he crawled off the bed and ran over to his katana. "Be careful, baby, you just made love for the first time and you're probably..." He trailed off as he watched how easily Ichigo moved about, not affected in the slightest by their recent activities. _Oh, to have a youthful body again, _he thought with a smirk as he shook his head.

"Your body isn't _that _old," Ichigo retorted as he picked up Zangetsu, staring at the long, oversized blade like he'd never seen it before, turning it over in his hands and swinging it experimentally.

"Nani?" Kisuke quirked a pale eyebrow at his lover. "I didn't say anything about my body."

Ichigo scowled at him. "Come on, don't mess with me right now. I just heard you say..."

_I didn't **say **it, baby, but you heard it anyway_, Kisuke's eyes twinkled in the darkness as he communicated into his lover's confused mind.

"Oookay," Ichigo said slowly. "Now you've gotta explain what the fuck is going on. First, I get my powers back after we make love, and now I can hear your thoughts? How is any of this happening?" He asked as he made his way back over to the bed, carrying the katana with him, not ready to let go of Zangetsu yet.

"Shinigami call it Soul Connection," Kisuke explained while gathering his lover into his arms, Zangetsu lying at Ichigo's side. "You see, because we are spiritual beings as well as part human, when we engage in such an intimate act like making love, not only do we exchange bodily fluids, but our spiritual energy also connects and binds together. It allows us to have this psychic connection, as well as feel what each other feel, see what one another see, and connect to each other's memories and past experiences. Basically, it ties our souls and our lives together permanently."

"Wow..." Ichigo said in wonder, though a slight pang of fear went through him at the idea that he could no longer hide anything from his lover, now Kisuke could see everything including the darkest, most desperate times of his life. _Not that I don't trust him enough to let him see those things, but I'm not used to people seeing so deeply into my life, and I've always wanted to shield him from seeing the depth of how bad things have been for me... _He chewed his lip, frowning pensively.

"Don't be scared of this, watashi no koi," Kisuke tried to comfort him as he tightened his arms around his waist. "You also have the ability to control what I see and what I don't, you have the freedom to close me off from anything you don't want me to know about... But, I hope you won't do that. I know you have been through a lot of traumatic, difficult things in your life and you feel like you need to protect the ones you love from the darkness of your past, but you need to know that I love you, not despite what you've been through, but _because _of it. I'm not going to run away just because of something that happened to you in your past, how you felt or things you did. My life hasn't always been a bed of roses, either, but I trust you enough to let you see even the ugly, negative things because I know you love me. We just need to have faith in each other, ne?"

Ichigo smiled and nuzzled the blonde's shoulder affectionately, draping the arm that wasn't holding Zangetsu over his middle. "Hai, we will, it's just going to take some getting used to. But anyway, that explains the connection, but how did I get my powers back from... doing _that_?"

"Well, as I told you the results from some of the examinations I ran on you showed that you still had spirit centers and reiatsu within you, but it was just lying dormant because you exhausted your powers when you fought Aizen. The reiatsu I released inside you with my climax obviously reached your spirit centers and broke them open, so to speak, which re-energized your reiatsu and brought your powers back."

The teen nodded slowly, taking in the information and trying to process it all. "Okay, that makes sense. Now I get what Zangetsu meant when he told me that you were my only chance to get my powers back."

Kisuke propped himself up on an elbow, interested. "You spoke with Zangetsu? When?"

"Apparently while I was lying comatose in the hospital, somehow I was able to enter my innerworld and spoke to both Old Man and Shirosaki, they both were in a weakened state and told me they would die if I didn't get back to you soon they would die and our innerworld, that was already crumbling, would disappear completely." He paused, then added quietly as a lump formed in his throat, "I – I also saw my kaa-san."

His slate gray eyes widened as he stroked Ichigo's vibrant hair. "Oh, baby..."

The orange-haired boy sniffled quietly and burrowed deeper into his lover's arms. "Before I went to my innerworld, I ended up somewhere with her... The Karakura Town in my mind, I guess, because we were at the river where she died. She was the one who told me that dad was behind the attack and told me not to believe anyone when they said it was you who set it up. And she also told me..." His voice cracked with emotion although he smiled through his tears, "She told me she's happy you and I are together."

The shopkeeper smiled, leaning down to kiss a wet cheek. "I'm glad she is, so am I."

"Me, too," he said, giving the shopkeeper a watery smile, then wiped at his eyes and sniffed. "Ugh, sorry. I don't know when I turned into such a crybaby."

"You are no such thing," Kisuke assured him as he rubbed his side, keeping him close.

Ichigo composed himself, then began to sit up. "Come on, let's go spar, I need to start training and get my strength back!"

"It's late, baby," the blonde laughed as he tried to coax his lover back in bed. "We might wake the others up, I'm actually surprised they didn't all charge in here after your reiatsu fluctuated before. And to be perfectly honest, I really don't think I have the energy to spar right now, remember I've been ill and my spirit centers are weak, plus my body was taxed from making love to you, not that I didn't enjoy it. Let's go to bed and get a little rest, then tomorrow we can go down to the training room, okay?"

The substitute shinigami pouted for a minute, but finally relented and got up to set Zangetsu back against the wall near Benihime, then returned to bed and curled up against his older lover's body under the covers.

_**Well, color me surprised! **_Shirosaki cackled happily in his mind. **_King actually did somethin' right fer once in 'is life!_**

_**Shush, **_Old Man Zangetsu admonished the darker spirit inside his master's blade, then spoke to Ichigo. **_You've done well, Master._**

Ichigo grinned in the darkness as he snuggled deeper against Kisuke, his face resting back in his favorite spot in the crook of the shopkeeper's neck. _Thank you, guys, for coming back to me, I don't know how I ever lived without you, _he answered them as he drifted off to sleep.

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><p>The next morning Ichigo awoke to find himself no longer wrapped up in the blonde former shinigami taichou's arms. He frowned and scrubbed his eyes to clear them of sleep, then sat up and looked around. Instead of lying beside him, Kisuke was at the edge of the bed slightly hunched over, his chin resting on one hand as he looked at something he held in the other. The teen blinked a few times as the fogginess of sleep began to wear off, then crawled over behind his lover and planted a kiss on Kisuke's shoulder.<p>

"Ohayo," he mumbled, his voice still gruff from sleep, then rested his chin where he'd kissed to see what the other man was holding. He froze in place the minute he saw it.

"Who is Yoshi?" The scientist's voice was controlled and calm, but held a note of tension beneath the surface that was unmistakable to his young lover.

"H – He's my physical th – therapist," he stammered out as he swallowed thickly, his tongue feeling as if it had turned to sandpaper in his mouth. He clamped down on the memories of his car ride home and the thoughts he'd had about Yoshi's attractiveness, desperately hoping that Kisuke wouldn't notice the block of their connection.

"And why would your physical therapist give you his personal number?" Kisuke pressed, turning a skeptical cloudy eye on the younger man.

Ichigo sighed. "Because things have been really difficult these past few months, and he's seen how I've been struggling. My tou-san hooked me up with this bastard of a psychologist that was just trying to bait me into giving him information about our relationship that he could report back to my dad, and Yoshi said it's not the first time he's engaged in unethical behavior so he gave me the number to the medical examiner's office so I could put in a complaint. We're hoping if enough of his patients come forward they can shut down his practice. Besides, he's become a good friend, the only person besides you I know I can trust. He told me to call him if I ever needed someone to talk to, that's all."

"I see," the older man answered, though he didn't sound at all relieved by Ichigo's explanation. Setting the paper down, he turned to look his lover straight in the eyes. "And that is all you feel for him? Just friendship?"

"Of course!" The tangerine-haired boy insisted, his tone taking on a bit of anger and hurt. "Why, what did you think? That I would _cheat _on you?"

"I didn't say that, but you and I were apart for a long time and..."

"You _do _think I was unfaithful!" The boy accused, now yelling as he yanked himself away from the shopkeeper, glaring into his eyes. "How in the _hell _can you say, or even _think _something like that? Look at everything I did to be with you, leaving home and risking being caught by tou-san who would do Kami knows what to me, all because I love you and _want _to be with you! Do you really think I would do that if I had been with someone else?"

"Maybe you just got lonely, or you were going through such a rough time that you needed to find comfort in the closest person available, or you could have thought I didn't want you anymore due to my absence from your recovery and thought you had to move on. I don't know, Ichigo," he admitted. "But you're trying to block me, that much I can tell, I feel the wall you've put up in your mind so I won't find out whatever it is you're afraid to let me see."

"Alright, fine, you want to know? You don't have to read my mind, I'll just tell you. Yes, I was _terrified _when you never came to see me that it meant you didn't want me anymore, and it just about ripped my fucking heart out. And there may have been a brief moment where I was attracted to Yoshi, but that's where it stopped. You're the only person I've ever loved, and the only one I can even imagine being with for the rest of my life, _no one else_. I've already said I'm sorry that I doubted you, but I would _never _go as far as to be unfaithful with someone just because I wasn't sure of where you and I stood. I wouldn't, Kis, I _couldn't _do that. You're my life, Kisuke Urahara, the only thing in my life that really matters to me." With a dull kind of horror and self-hatred, he realized that he was once again crying, taking in ragged gasps of air while tears streamed down his cheeks and dripped off his jaw to the floor. _I feel like I'm going to drown in my tears one of these days._

"The fact that you were attracted to him is evidence alone that you had doubts about us," Kisuke said in a choked voice, his heart aching painfully at the sight of his lover crying because of him, but he couldn't deny the way things were. _Yoruichi was right, my foolishness only led to heartbreak. _"And maybe we need to stop and face up to some hard facts. You're a young man who is at the very beginning of your life, and I'm a much older man. Our relationship, as much as we've enjoyed one another, is wildly inappropriate since you are still technically underage. You came to me for help and I, unable to hide my feelings for you, allowed things to go far beyond where they should have. I promised to help you get back your powers, and we've done that, and you are in a much better place emotionally than you were at first, which was another of our goals. It seems to me that now that we've accomplished what we both wanted, maybe now it's time to... end things here before one of us gets hurt."

Ichigo shook his head furiously, unable to believe what he was hearing. It wasn't possible; last night they made love and formed the deepest bond two souls could possibly make, and now Kisuke was trying to leave him? A sudden urge to pinch himself washed over him to make sure this wasn't a dream. It _couldn't _be real. "Y – You don't mean that, you _can't _mean this! What about last night, when you made love to me and spirit connected to me? You're telling me that none of it means anything to you now? And as for me getting my powers back, yeah, I wanted that, but that isn't even _half _of what this has been about for me. It's not like I was sleeping with you just to get my powers back, I didn't even know it worked that way, and even if I did I wouldn't have gone that far for that reason alone. I'm in love with you, Kisuke, and I would have been with you whether or not you could have helped me, because I realize I've _always _been in love with you. And you're saying the only reason you've been with me was to help me? How the fuck can you even _say _that to me?"

"I love you, too, Ichigo," Kisuke answered quietly, defeated. "But let's be honest, it could never work between us in the long run. You deserve someone who is your age that you can grow and experience life with; if you stay with me, you'd be throwing away your future. Being older than you, I can't promise how long I'll be around and then you'll end up alone. I care for you too much to let that happen. You should be with someone like Yoshi, a younger man who can promise you a life-time together."

"I don't _want _Yoshi, I never did! He could never understand me the way you do, and I could never love him or _anyone _for that matter like I love you. If this is just about him, I'll stop going to him for therapy, I'll just ask to have somebody else do it. I never have to see him again, if that's what will make you happy. If you said that you wanted me to lock myself inside the shoten, in this room for the rest of my life and not see another soul as long as I lived, I would do it. _Anything _to be with you," he was begging and he fucking hated himself for it, it stung his pride worse than crying, but still he couldn't stop himself. After what he'd been through, what _they'd _been through, he couldn't let them fall apart now. He couldn't handle it, and as much as it killed him to admit he was that weak without Kisuke, it was the truth. "_Anything_," he added pleadingly.

"That's what scares me," the shopkeeper said softly, staring down at a spot on the bed. _No, be strong, you know this is what's best for him, _he scolded himself as he forced his eyes back up to meet tear-filled cinnamon pools. "It's time to end this now. In the long run it will be better for both of us." _Now you can get your life back without me in the way of everything. To let you move on I need to let you go, no matter how much it hurts, and fuck, it does. So much more than you will ever know._

"No, no, no, no, _no_, _NO_!" The younger boy screamed as he launched himself into Kisuke's arms, grabbing onto him as tightly as he could and sobbing brokenly against his shoulder. "You can't do this to me, you can't leave me like this. Not here, not now, _please_. Please, don't... Need you... Can't do this alone..." His voice faded to faint whispers as he clung to Kisuke's nightshirt which he'd slipped back on, his tears staining the material on the blonde's shoulder. "_Please_."

"Yes, you can," Kisuke told him softly but firmly, resisting the instinct to lay the younger man down, crawl on top of him and make love to him all over again. "You're strong enough to do this on your own, you don't need me anymore. Come on, Ichi, be the brave man I know you can be. You never needed anyone, and you don't now."

"C – Can't... N – No... P – Please..." he sobbed, grasping Kisuke's shirt so hard and tight he heard the material rip under his squeezing fingers.

The blonde sighed and started to gently pry Ichigo away from him. "You need to go now," he said a bit more sternly, putting on his best stoic face. If he could, he would have curled up in a ball and sobbed right along with Ichigo.

"Bastard!" Ichigo suddenly bellowed, reeling back and hitting the shopkeeper with a hard right hook across the face. The blonde made a sound of surprise, touching his stinging cheek as blood trickled down from the cut Ichigo's nails made. Scrambling to his feet, he threw on his clothes and fumbled to grab Zangetsu, but in his rush he stubbed his toe on the dresser and crashed to the ground, his aching, still injured body screaming in white hot pain. He released a howl of rage and agony, but recoiled when Kisuke ran over to help him.

"Don't touch me!" He screeched, almost sounding like Shirosaki instead of himself, forcing himself up even though his body resisted, then bolted from the room. Kisuke was calling after him, but he couldn't hear anything over the roaring in his ears and his harsh sobbing as he left the shoten as quickly as he could, ignoring Yoruichi and Tessai yelling after him.

Yoruichi frowned at Tessai in confusion, then left the kids eating breakfast at the dining table and headed down the hall to Kisuke's room. She knocked on the door and waited, hearing nothing.

"Kisuke? It's me."

"Please, go away, Yoruichi."

The violet-haired woman scowled. "Kisuke, what happened? Ichigo left."

"I know. I really don't want to talk about this. Please, let me be alone."

She growled softly under her breath, annoyed and worried for both men, but didn't argue. Instead she went back down the hall and walked outside to find Ichigo, but the seventeen year old was nowhere in sight. "Ichigo!" She called, her golden eyes deep-set with concern as she scanned the area. No Ichigo. "_Ichigo_!"

A few blocks away from the shoten, Ichigo's legs finally gave out from under him and he collapsed on the sidewalk, damp from a rain shower earlier in the morning. He sat hunched over his knees for several moments, his chest burning and his eyes still blurry. The honk of a car horn startled him a moment later, and he looked up to see Uryuu in his father's Toyota, his sapphire eyes looking at his devastated friend worriedly. Ichigo thought about waving him off, he really wasn't in the mood for company. But Uryuu just stayed there, letting his car idle, until the orange-haired teen forced himself up and walked over to the passenger side of the car. Uryuu unlocked the doors, an unspoken invitation, and Ichigo got in, shutting the door behind him. Neither one said anything for several minutes, Ichigo staring out the windshield with blank, hollow cinnamon eyes, Uryuu watching him and waiting. Finally, the raven-haired teen spoke.

"Ichi? Are you okay?"

Ichigo didn't answer, still listlessly gazing out the window. "Can you take me home?" He heard himself ask, his voice oddly monotone. The tears had stopped. He was empty. Broken. Hollow inside. _No, not okay, never okay again._

"The shoten?" Uryuu tried to clarify what his friend meant.

He shook his head robotically, his voice still completely flat and emotionless. _There's nothing left in me, I'm dead. You're looking at a ghost, a phantom of who I used to be, Ishida. Do you understand? __**Can **__you understand? _He couldn't even find a voice to respond.

"Your house? Are you sure?"

He nodded.

Uryuu frowned, but agreed to do as his friend asked, putting the car back into gear and heading toward the Kurosaki house, his mind full of questions he wasn't sure he could ask. Ichigo didn't really look in the position to answer, in any case, so he decided to wait until later. _But wasn't he living at the shop with Urahara? I know he and Dr. Kurosaki were fighting. Why would he want to go back there now? _The other teen wondered, but again kept silent. The ride to the Kurosaki residence was silent and tense, Uryuu's sapphire eyes shifting over to Ichigo now and then, who just rested his head against the window with that distant look on his face. When they first pulled up along Ichigo's house, the orange-haired teen didn't even notice until his friend lightly touch him on the arm, then startled when his orange-haired comrade yanked away like Uryuu had burned him.

"G – Gomen," the midnight-haired teen stammered, nervously pushing his thin rimmed glasses back up on his nose. "Um, we're here."

"Thanks," Ichigo mumbled, climbing out and closing the door behind him. He turned around when his friend said his name again. The look in his spiced chocolate eyes sent a chill down Uryuu's spine. Like Ichigo was looking straight through him. The Quincy was suddenly very, very afraid for, and somewhat _of _the young man he'd known practically all his life. Especially when he realized for the first time Ichigo was holding Zangetsu at his side.

"Um, come hang out with Chad, Orihime and I sometime," he stumbled through his words, nervously wringing the steering wheel. "We, uh, we miss you."

Ichigo barely nodded, then turned around and walked mechanically to his house and disappeared inside.

Isshin was waiting for him when he got inside. _Of course, _Ichigo thought bitterly.

"Where did you go last night?" His father demanded.

"I went out," he answered shortly as he brushed past his father to the stairs. He would probably have to crawl, but come hell or high water he was getting into his bedroom.

"Did you see _him_?"

"Maybe."

"Turn around and talk to me! Don't walk away when I'm asking you a question!" Isshin barked.

Ichigo turned around, his eyes boring holes into Isshin as he lifted Zangetsu up warningly and snarled, "Don't fuck with me, old man."

Isshin's eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he stared at his son in disbelief, a wave of fear washing over him. He swallowed thickly, but didn't say anything more as his son struggled upstairs, finally managing to get to the top and going to his room. He shut and locked the door tightly behind him, then silence fell back over the house.

Ichigo hadn't been in his room in months, never able to make it up the stairs before, but he didn't take any time to gaze around and take back in the sight of the small bedroom. Instead he stripped off his clothes and crawled in bed, reaching under his pillow and groping around until he found the razor blade he kept there just in case. He stared at the shiny silver blade that winked seductively at him in the sunlight that trickled in through his curtains, scraping it across his wrist a few times, but exhaustion prevented him from making any real attempts to kill himself. He quickly dropped off to sleep, praying that he would wake up and all of this would just be a nightmare. When he woke up he would be back in Kisuke's arms in the shoten, and everything would be right again. As he drifted off he tried to connect to the shopkeeper's mind or see what his lover was doing, but he felt Kisuke blocking him off. He wondered if the spirit connection could be broken, and if his (former?) lover would choose to sever it.

If he did, and if he really meant it when he said they were over, Ichigo knew he wouldn't survive. Death would be the only option without Kisuke at his side.

_But I won't give up yet. Kisuke, I'm not giving up on us that easily!_


End file.
